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Show editorial Phone: 626-7121 Editor in chief: Mellyn L. Cole - - ... r7 You, too, can be a columnist! By Joe Bartenhagen news editor-The Signpost When I took the test that's supposed to tell you what you're going to be when you grow up, I scored heavily in the "standing, gawking and scratching yourself real slow" and the "not knowing very much about anything, really" sections, which meant that I could choose between being a professional game showcontestant-handler or a columnist. Never having been one to "handle," I chose to be a columnist. As a columnist, 1 get paid quite a bit to have opinions about simply everything. I don't get paid in money -a lot of people choose to give me hens or mid-size wiener dogs in exchange for my opinions. But I also get paid with a thing called respect, which is something that can't be accurately measured, but it's about $ 1 .79 per metric dram. The important thing to remember about being a columnist is that you don't have to know anything about the subject in order to have an opinion on it. For instance, I am very much against Mike Tyson going up to people and biting their ears off. Even though I do not know Mike Tyson personally, nor have 1 ever tasted ear for myself, I know that this is probably a bad thing and, therefore, something that I should be against. But, the best thing about being a columnist (apart from being able to drive a super-cool car -the 1997 two-door Chevy Spam lowrider) is that you get to offer up opinions without being asked. All you have to do is have some vague semblance of a reason why you believe what you do, which is a lot like being Bill Clinton. I am for the UPS strike, because no one should have to dress like that for a living. I can only hope they bargain for a new uniform, or what we in the opinion business call a "fashion scheme." Might I suggest a sleeveless, low-back blouse, in any color, though purple really says fast and accurate package delivery to me. Add a sombrero, flip-flop sandals and a terry-cloth robe, and not only can we go back to having a reliable international delivery service, but we can also say hello to a new era of business fashion. I am for cigarette smoking, against gun control and against mandatory seat-belt laws, all for the same reason: natural selection. When column-writing in America in the 1990s, it is important to have substantive opinions, for some reason, on only two things: the British Royal Family and family values. In the case of the British Royal Family, I am against them because they remind me of my own family, except that we are photographed far less frequently than they are, we have better teeth, and we resist the temptation to marry each other. Family values was a term coined by former vice-president Dan Quayle to define a Republican platform in 1992, which, in many ways, resembled my own columnist's platform: short on substance and short on substance. That year, the Republicans came out against the liberal wildness of the Democrats in a campaign that said little more than, "If you vote for Bill Clinton, he will personally come over to your house and force you to smoke marijuana." As a columnist, I am for family values, as long as it means that Bill Clinton will not come over to my house. The final thing to remember about being a columnist is that it's very important to remember how unique your opinion is, and, if it's not unique, then at least it's in print. And, if it's in print, the hen or wiener dog is on its way. Quote of the Day "She's 5'6" but she probably believes she's 6'5". It mokes her o good player and a great competitor." Al Givens, volleyball coach on Jaime Sant o Where have all the choices gone? Choice: a strong word with some strong connotations, a word which is having its strength sapped daily, whether it's by large corporations or small groups of small people who feel they know what's better for the public than the public themselves. For instance, a recent parking stipulation at the ZCMI center in downtown Salt Lake City will allow patrons only one hour of free parking for validations obtained at the Crossroads mall, whereas the stickers were previously awarded the two hours posted on the front of the stickers. Crossroads mall still extends the courtesy to their patrons of accepting ZCMI's parking validations at their two-hour face value. Granted, the stickers are expensive for the vendors to pur chase, and many stores require a minimum purchase before doling out validations to customers. Still, it seems a matter of mere courtesy to help people out, especially when considering the parking project which has Main Street in SLC all torn up will do nothing to benefit mall patrons, but is exclusively for residents in the new building project currently underway in Salt Lake City. A current situation in Provo has the public in an uproar on both sides of the spectrum. esmmBm When an established bar decided to offer additional, more exotic entertainment to its patrons, the conservative Mormon community in the Provo area organized an effort to close the bar. Allegedly headed by the same leaders who successfully organized the neverending picket of an adult entertainment center in Wendover, the effort has met with a lot of media coverage and surprisingly little objection at this end of the valley. What gives these few the right to decide the needs of the many? Additional taxes on cigarettes are not only a bad idea socially, but the concept is not financially profitable and serves only as an attempt to control the general smoking public and teach them a lesson that smoking is "wrong." In order to be a financially viable concept, perhaps the tax should be applied to a product which would be consumed or purchased by a larger segment of the population, creating a larger profit margin. Not only would the tax be more financially profitable, but any one segment of the population would not be punished for their lifestyle choice. Tax on cigarettes to teach smokers a lesson is equivalent to taxing shaving cream to punish clean-shaven men. People are going to continue to smoke and shave, and there's always someplace else to park. By Lisa Jensen features editor-The Signpost w t" 1 Recipient of the UPA General ExcelSence award Editor in chief Managing editor News editor Campus affairs editor AfkE editor Sports editor Copy editor Features editor Graphics editor Photo editor Production mngr. Advertising mngr. Online editor Secretary Adviser Publisher Signpost fax Mellyn L. Cole Taylor S. Fielding Joe Bartenhagen Patrick Parkinson Debra Jandreau Andrew Aragon Tyler A. Holt Lisa M. )ensen Nicole Sheets Gregor Heise Derrick Andersen Chad Montgomery Dan Mills Georgia Edwards Dr. S. Josephson Dr. Kathy Edwards 626-7121 626-7105 626-7105 626-7983 626-7105 626-7983 626-7105 626-7507 626-6358 626-6358 626-6358 626-6359 626-6358 626-7974 626-6164 626-6464 626-7401 the Signpost s published Monday. Wednesday and Friday durina fall. winter, and spring quarters. Subscription is $9 a quarter. The Signpost is a student publication, written, edited and drafted by Weber State University students. Student fees fund the printing of this publication. Opinions or positions voiced are not necessarily endorsed by the university. 7he Signpost welcomes letters to the editor. Letters must include name, address, telephone number, relationship to staff and the writer's signature. The Signpost reserves the right to edit for reasons of space and libel and also reserves the right to refuse to print any letter. Bring letters to the editorial office In UB 267. or mail to: the Signpost, Weber State University, Ogdea Utah 84408-21 10. Attn: Mellyn L. Cole, editor in chief. |