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Show | The Utah Symphony has The Summer The View From Moab Tourists on a Spit, Se a ee a or Humble Pie 3- Are you a YUPPIE/Boomer in a BMW with spoiled rotten kids in the a fa By Jim Stiles few years ago, I met a woman from New em York at one of Moab's popular greasy spoons. She looked fatigued ... defeated. To no one in particular, she said: "You people * Jon Doc Tennille ceverinsen Trisha Celino Yeatwoe ) Romero R t achman' not concerto At Three I asked Doc Severinsen Concert Saturday, August 2, 7:30 p.m. Saturday, July 5, 7:30 p.m. Utah Symphony and Chorus again. Henry Mancini Tribute Commerce. Blood, Sweat & Tears. Saturday, July 12, 7:30 p.m. Stars of Broadway Saturday, July 19, 7:30 p.m. Toni Tennille Saturday, July 26, 7:30 p.m. Abravanel Hall Russian Rhapsody Friday, July 11, 8:00 p.m. Featuring Rachmaninoff’s Third Piano Concerto (Heard in the movie Shine) Dmitri Teterin, Pianist Saturday, August 9, 7:30 p.m. Bill Conti, Conductor Trisha Yearwood Saturday, August 16, 7:30 p:m. 1812 Overture! Saturday, August 30, 7:30 p.m. Bruce Hangen, Conductor Blake Stevens, Piano Snowbird Russian Rhapsody Sunday, July 13, 3:30 p.m. Featuring Rachmaninoff’s Third Piano Concerto Stars of Broadway Friday, July 18, 8:00 p.m. Henry Mancini Tribute Latin Fiesta Friday, August 8, 8:00 p.m. Bill Conti, Conductor Friday, July 25, 8:00 p.m. Friday, August Utah 1812 Overture! Saturday, August 23, 7:30 p.m. 1, 8:00 p.m. Symphony — Joseph pump out the She fled for the door and was never seen I am not a member of the Chamber of While many tourists fear being bitten by rattlesnakes, it's true that there's no bite like a Moabite's. And because human beings are always a little uncomfortable in unfamiliar settings, it gives the impression that tourists represent the dumbest subculture in our socalled Global Society. But this is not fair. Having been a tourist myselfin places where I felt like a fish out of Silverstein, Music Director Tickets from $13 to $35. New cabaret seating at Snowbird. ¢ Discount Packagese LTCC a CMO Uo OOM COL eight concerts for the price of six For tickets, call the Utah Symphony at 533-NOTE (6683) Or Visit the Box Office at 123 West South Temple I want help. Pick your category and pay attention ... 1- parents almost 30 years ago. But you spoiled the little buggers rotten and now they rarely look up from their Gameboys, and when they do, they articulate the experience as best they can by saying, "This sucks." Sure, you'd like to kill them. So would we. I am not a parent. Some of these kids need to be conscripted into military service. Take away their electronic games. Make them get out of the car and look around. But don't turn them loose on our streets. We have enough of a gang problem, already. 4- Are you our "economic salva- tion?" A mountain biker? water, / realize that you tourists simply need assistance. In order to survive, you need to learn how to deal with us. Latin Fiesta Sunday, July 27, 3:30 p.m. Doc Severinsen to town alive." My eyes were crazy. Independence Weekend Craig Jessop, Conductor them expensive gas and replace it with regular because that's what I wanted in the first place. The man just stared at me... I mean... what was his problem? I stood there and ‘stared at her. "You're right, lady. You'll be lucky if you get out of Deer Valley PAGE 6 ¢ JUNE 1997 the Post Office, I suggested that tourists should go ahead of other people because we're in more ofa hurry. And then, at the gas station, Great Locations... a : around here really hate tourists, don't you?" "What? We love tourists," I schmoozed. "Well, explain this," she said. "First, at backseat? You waited to have kids until you were financially secure. First the Beemer, then Beavis and Butthead. Now you want to show them the American West, recreating the great trip you remember taking with your Do you drive a 42-foot motorhome? Try not to draw attention to yourselves. (That's a good one.) When you pull into a crowded grocery. store parking lot, don't park your rig diagonally across nine normal parking spaces, forcing the rest of us to park at the back of the lot. In national parks, don't ask the ranger to help align your satellite dish. Rangers are now heavily armed and many of them are extremely unstable and on medication - or, very bored and on medication. 2 Are you a European tourist driving a 'Rent-a-Wreck'-type station wagon? If you are at the grocery store and you're ready to pay, remember: You have to go to the back of the line. It's a silly custom, but you can't go to the front of the line when there are already people iz line. If you violate Do not tell us you nomic salvation. You from some locals like, bubble-headed spandex are our town's ecomay get a response "Salvation this, you freak!" ; Please, keep in mind that while Moab has been designated the "Mountain Bike Capital of the World," most of us still ride pickup trucks, dip snuff and spit out the window. Many of our elected officials still think wilderness is a commie trick. Finally, don't wear lycra if you don't have the bod for it - men and women, alike. In fact, men are by far the greater offenders, especially when they have no butt. Have you ever seen a guy wearing lycra and he has no ass and it's all droopy in the back? Yes, I am a heterosexual fale, and I try not to notice but it's like police photos ofa bad car wreck. You're disgusted but you look anyway. If you are a buttock-free person, try overalls. 5. Try to be humble. This is the key to everything. IfI have sounded intolerant of tourists, you've misunderstood me. I know how dopey tourists can be because I become a dopey tourist every time I leave home. Humans will forgive damn near anybody for being stupid, if they'll just admit it. It's arrogant, stupid people, the deadliest combination of all, that make my blood boil. So the next time you invoke the ire of a Moabite, simply because you were confused, do what I did when my own confusion angered a cab driver in New York. He was about to toss me out of his cab when I said, this custom, it's called "butting in line," and "Look, Americans despise a line butt-er. from Utah!" His mood changed. His eyes glowed with compassion. He never uttered another harsh word. With a few modifications, you can save your butt, too. ‘Don't say, the former Canyonlands “But vee are German." assistant National superintendent Park once As of said, "We whupped you twice and we'll whupp you again." I'm screwed. I'm an idiot ... I'm If you have one. Good luck out there. @ |