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Show WASATCH MOUNTAIN TIMES Inside My Skull There Arose Such A Clatter By Randy Hanskat he other night some kids were out front singing Christmas carols. (They must've really wanted to get a jump on things, since I’m writing this in October. Just play along, OK?) Anyway, here they are singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas in lovely four-part harmony, when they got to the part about figgy pudding: “We want some figgy pudding. We want some figgy pudding. We want some figgy pudding. So bring it right here!” I laughed. Such a queer line, that one. But then to the horror of my Miss-Manners-side came the next line: “We won't go until we get some. We won't go until we get some. We won't go until we get some... . ” Thinking it was just a lyric, I went inside and watched the rest of the Gator game on TV. But when the game ended at the final whistle, they were still out there. They meant figgy-pudding-business! At this point = » panskal “The Hamster randy . exactly choir boys and girls. Vixen. She must get some interesting cat calls when not in the Christmas season, “Hey Vixen, why don’t cha pull my sleigh?” Blitzen — that’s another story. Word is MADD is out to get him. D.U.I.s from Dayton to Daytona. And he’s driving a sleigh in inclement weather? Who's in charge of this funhouse? Finally, tinsel. What is the deal with THAT? Is tinsel supposed to mimic something that occurs in wintertime to evergreen trees in the wild? Just what would that be? When the trees molt aluminum foil? You’ve got to admit it does make a speedy decorating item, though, especially when using the-entire-box-hurlingmethod. Your tree now resembles that bad guy in Terminator 2 when he was melting. There, now I feel better, a catharsis with mistletoe. “Answers to these and other pressing Holiday questions. . . on the next Sally.” Anyway, you. .. you. . . you fruitcake heads, have yourselves a Merry Little Christmas. And go ahead, throw in a Happy New Year, too. @ Wise Men? — If they were so wise, why were they riding camels? Why not ATVs, even a Hummer? And, hello, you live in a desert? Why not show some of that wisdom and pick up a place in the Greek Isles? These guys would've — gotten thumped on Jeopardy. Let’s move on to the Big Man. What's with all the aliases? Santa Claus. Kriss Kringle. Saint Nicholas. Saint Nick. The Round Mound of Christmas Found. You think he’s got some- they singing military drill continued to show good were songs, spirit. but Thinking fast, I crumbled Fig Newtons into some a few yogurt, passed it off as figgy pudding to the lot of ‘em, closed the door behind me, and locked it. But then I began pondering this figgy issue: What the hell is figgy pudding? Who has ever had any? Is it worth its starch? And nonetheless, isn’t it rather to tell the host rude, you’re not leaving until he or she gives you some of the ghastly concoction? The more I pondered, the more I realized figgy pudding is just another one of those holiday peculiarities that keep me tossing and turning during what is meant to be a long winters nap. In order to get some sleep, I decided to analyze them. But as I go through these, feel free to stop and discuss them amongst yahselves. thing to went AWOL hide? Maybe from he Weight Watchers. That beard shouts “disguise” to me. carols Christmas Other than the above-mentioned figgy pudding extortion plot, there are other lines which give me pause. Deck the Halls starts off innocently enough with its whimsical boughs of holly and fa la las. Then it veers right into dicey sexual terrain with “Now we don our gay apparel.” Hold it right there! Obviously they aren’t singing this one in Colorado anymore. But gay apparel? Sure, it’s well-cut, in fashion, and probably a bit outspoken, but is it really necessary to shell out that kind of cash? Ne’ we come to the antlered crowd, those nutty reindeer. In that particularly touching homage to Rudolph, there is a rather mean-spirited verse. Beyond laughing at him and calling him names, it delves into serious discrimination. “They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games.” First off, what games? Twister? Pin Mule Deer? Spin the why not let him play? grades last quarter? money from an are With this ad buy one long sleeve po cket ‘Fshirt and get $76.95 the other for half price! regular price while supplies last. reindeer the Tail on the Antler? Second, Didn’t he make Did he accept agent? Where’s Howard Cosell when you need him? And the other reindeer aren’t PAGE 7 MICROBREWERY 367 West 200 South, Downtown SLC ¢ 363-7000 |