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Show WASATCH MOUNTAIN APPIN: TIMES APPAPGORT The Boston Building #9 Exchange Place For Those Who Want Their Workplace To Be a Destination of Distinction Enviro-correctness Not For NEUROTICS by |.B. Rappaport Ww: here we are in the age of environmentalism. And it just so happens that I, Irving Berlin Rappaport, am one heck of an environmentalist. (I would have said one “helluva” environmentalist, but I was told that kind of language wouldn’t hold in this family-oriented publication.) As 1 was saying, I am so environmentally in tune, that I heat my abode with a wood stove, rather than electricity or natural gas Now before you start with the “Green Burn Day” and the “Red Burn Day” thing, just remember that the very first source of heat, other than the sun and testosterone, was a wood fire. That’s right. And anyone who saw Quest For Fire can bear me out on that As you'll recall from that movie, the guys in the wolf-skin overalls left their northern cave dwellings for the south in search of fire. They later met up with some chics wearing leopard-skin bikinis from some southern tribes and — you guessed it — fires everywhere But don’t let me digress. The real point of this monthly column is to cut through the refuse and ‘straighten you folks out on the real Dos and Don'ts of the environmentally aware. See, the problem these days is that not only are we living in the age of environmentalism, but we also are enduring the time of so-called political correctness. We are told to do this or don’t do that because it is “environmentally friendly.” But half the time, the “environmentally friendly” label is bogus. For example, did you know that recycled toilet paper is not made of previously used toilet paper? Yet we are told to use it because recycling is good for the environment. It just doesn’t make any sense. It’s much more environmentally friendly to just place a copy of the Sharper Image catalogue in the bathroom. That is what I call “instant recycling.” Another misconception is this idea that Americans create too much garbage. It is true that we each produce about 41/2 pounds of garbage a day, here in the United States. Roughly speaking, that’s a national total of One Billion pounds of garbage each day, 3605 days a year. Or about 200 Million Tons of garbage every year, right here in the good ol’ USA. But who cares? Do you know in Michigan, where it is flat, they use garbage to build ski hills. That’s right, one ski resort there is actually built on a landfill and is named Mount Trashmore. This is a true story, folks. So why not kill two birds with one stone? The ski resorts want to expand and, at the same time, we’re running out of landfill space. I say we start piling up our garbage in the parking lot at the Park City Ski Area and build another mountain to ski on Simple solutions are best. It does make sense, if you stop to think about it I call that “recreational solid waste.” But back to my thesis: this politically-correct-thing is really getting out of hand. Recently I've been criticized for driving my car too much. People come up to me and they say, “Hey, Rappaport You're no environmentalist. An environmentalist wouldn't drive his car back and forth between Park City and Salt Lake ever lay ness.” partially burned hydrocarbons pouring out of my exhaust pipe don't really effect the ozone layer or the rest of the environment very much. Look at it this way: if everyone else around here rode the bus and car-pooled, the damage done by my driving would be so minimal as to be impossible to measure Yet, the enviro-nazis insist on calling me a polluting bum. It just ain't fair that individual car users, like you and me, are criticized for air pollution. We are what I have termed “Neutral Environment Users Rejecting Outward Toxins In Correctness,” or NEUROTICS, for short. Like car use and air pollution, we NEUROTICS get blamed for a lot of stuff that really isn’t our fault or responsibility. For example, is it our fault the forests in the Northwest are being depleted, just because, as a nation, we throw away enough paper to build a 12foot wall of the stuff from L.A. to New York City every year? Of course not! And is it the fault of us NEUROTICS that there are fewer and fewer salmon in the Columbia River just because we like electricity and grilled fish? Of course not! And is it our fault that Lake Eerie catches on fire, simply because we like to keep our lawns green in the summer with a little help from the Monsanto Corp.? No way! There, don’t you feel better? Next month you'll feel even more relief after I explain how Congressman James V. Hansen’s proposals for open-pit mining and clearcut timber harvests in our national parks really aren't bad ideas. 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