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Show Pease APPIN’ APPAPGORT ee eee #Summit Books § § nse MASSAGE 649-0030 @eeeeoeoeeeoeooeoeneeoeoeoeoe eee e808 Deanna UFO Abducts Utah Jazz Affleck, LMT House Calls By Appointment --exercise your mind... By I.B. Rappaport Everyone is wondering how it is that the POWDER better this year than they have in the past. Well, I have the answer: Through a bizarre set of circum- stances I have come across irrefutable scientific evidence that the Jazzmen were abducted by a UFO that may have increased their roundball skills. Here’s what happened: As you will recall, I described last month a dream I had in which I was abducted by the Olympic UFO. In reality, it was no dream. It was ... well ... reality! I was pulled up by a 10 million candlepower tractor beam into a hovering craft, much like those seen over Phoenix, Arizona during the Hale-Bopp Comet. Inside, I found Juan Antonio Samaranche, the Olympic guru; Tom Welch, the Salt Lake Olympic guy and Deedee Corradini. They offered me purple beer and showed me a baby that looked like Earl Holding. Man, was that an ugly baby. Apparently by accident, I was beamed into a very strange place that looked like the sound room at R.C. Willey. There, in her- metically-sealed, plastic bubbles on top of strange-looking onyx slabs, were what appeared to be at first glance androids built to resemble exactly the Mailman, Tag, the Big Dog and Stock. This blew my mind. Were these aliens who, by the way, called themselves Samaranchians from the planet Samaranche - going to replace the real Malone, Ostertag, Carr and Stockton with androids so identical they could even fool the player's wives? I hid behind a piece of machinery that looked like an old-fashioned Wurlitzer juke box, as a team of Samaranchians entered the room in surgical dress. One-by-one, they prepared the guys - or their identical androids, I didn’t know which - for surgery. slam-dunking a basketball through a hoop that had been wheeled into the operating room. Wow, | thought. They are going to program these androids to play and then control the NBA finals through their Deep Purple computer! I quickly got undressed and slipped on a Jazz uniform and positioned myself on a slab next to Stockton. I couldn't wait to get programmed to slam-dunk on command, hit 30-foot jump shots at will and even stuff Michael Jordan. Not to mention earn some cool millions and get all those fantastic babes. One at a time, Tag, Big Dog and Stock were fitted with micro-chips and programmed. Then it was my turn. The Samaranchians, who all look like Juan Antonio Samaranche with big ears and big noses, inspected me and then wrinkled up their noses, like I had a foul odor, or something. Suddenly, one of them pulled a lever and I found myself sliding head-first down a PRO AUDIOSALES AND SERVICES 7054 SOUTH 2300 EAST + SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH 84121 VOICE 801.94.AUDIO+ FAX 801.942.3136 Park City Deer Valley Wolf Mountain FREE ESPRESSO Snowbird Alta Solitude /Brighton Salt Lake Valley OR TEA BEVERAGE with this coupon! open daily...655-9446 Salt Lake Pork city 801-944-9444 801-645-9444 w*eeee Lnke Powell — Houseboats ond Lodging Nestttes ees hast te 780 Main St. Park City ee ‘This could be the start of a delicious relationship. long chute. I awakened in my own bed with a strange sunburn. That's how I know this whole thing was real. Then I watched as the Jazz beat Houston in two games at the Delta Center. I watched again as they lost two in Houston. That’s when I realized that the Samaranchians were simply switching Deep Purple on and then off again to test the programming. Of course the Samaranchians switched Deep Purple on again and the Jazz destroyed the Rockets. So, if the Jazz lose to Chicago, it’s really not their fault. On the other hand, if they win ...@ First, they placed Malone on an operating table, face down. Then a big machine, something like a chrome-plated drill press came out of the ceiling. With the sound of a dentists drill, ic embedded what appeared to be a micro-chip in the base of the Mailman’s skull. What happened next, was truly startling: The Samaranchians began programming Malone - or his identical android - with a big computer they kept calling, “Deep Purple.” The Mailman jumped up and began KayAndo Aud aris Stop in and say hi, relax and browse while you enjoy one BEACH isthe Residential Sales eteslemticalry Toll Free 888-944-9555 It’s hard to know what to expect from new neighbors. But when Starbucks moves into town, you can expect the best. As the #1 purveyor of specialty coffee, we offer an exceptional collection of roasts and blends, created from the finest coffee beans in the world. 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