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Show Eggs, Pancakes and a Fresh Lobotomy — a —L bn Bacon, Mental "WASATCH COUNTY COURIER” treats for the holiday season Courier staff A Halloween Story by Jean Croasmun, slew tells the sol ‘side of ham,” my friend oT waiter. “T don’t dink that’s legal, J say.’ etal | “What, no coffee” ob : tell Patty. . : “Ir’s animal fat, Patty.” “Mmm-hmm,” she says. Maybe Patty has forgotten, vit I haven’t. Patty’s a vegetarian, the one who scorned me at my last carnivorous meal ten years back. “Animal rights, animal rights,” she’d yell. “They have faces. It’ll be in your colon for weeks. How do you know dears ol it’s not dog?” “We had them. every day wen we were in California,” Patty says. “Cat hunting,” she says. ~ Now, I’d swear Patty was joking except I know that Patty is one of the few people to inhabit the earth that wasn’t blessed - with any sense of humor. None, whatsoever. That’s ultimately what makes her such a darn good lesbian, ee feminist. “You weren’t really you?” | ask again. CSS I know they have coffee here, I’m léoking at the pot of it sitting on the table. and the cup of it in my hands. “Okay, Patty, what ae hunting cats, were f “Doris? Oh ‘man now.” I gave her hc “Look, I guess this all comes as quite a tough to be me. So I’m at the grocery store one day and | see this couple with four or five little kids and the Husband is \ ? i ‘ ‘ ee é : " ak To Win 50 Reel Monday through Friday and 10 am to 4 pm on Sandys Registration. deadline is Friday at noon. Random Drawing each Friday at noon. a +t Restrictions bi “ ; Drop Off Entries at: a *, AA Ogden’s Carpet Outlet 2210 2. ‘Comments & Questions? . Be pc i s *2 . s ; South Hwy 40, Suite C, Heber rd ; eo 657-1129" = og - Contact The Wasatch ee Courier a) 654- 2661 with Patty’s Diet none left and the waiter says “Let me tell you, being just like everyone to prove it. And [ have lots more > time or ct else ‘is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. No one bothers me, no one notices my hand: me, “How dey you figure?” and as far as everyone knows, I’m always so damn happy. | think I'll change my name to ee or Brandi or something that ends. in I look at the wend. ek: anxious. I’m anxious. | have things to do, I want to eat, and the Stepford wife across from me “Biscuits and gravy, side of ham and a moody female. It all shows in my needlepoint.” surprise to you, but, well, I just had to make some changes. It was just getting so Find the three Mingos. Fill out the registration form. Register at Ogden’s Carpet Outlet S _ Heber City location (2210 South Hwy. 40, Suite C). They are open from 10 am to 6 am, returns slab of meat in the oven or on the grill. — doesn’t seem to be bothered by anything. _ Dresses are faster to put on than pants. I'd like to scream but instead I order. And it’s so nice not living with that My face goes blank. Patty continues. es there’s Well, Jed, that’s my husband’s name, Jed, he makes all the decisions for me pretty — days.” Zip: ‘waiter now I’m heterosexual. Got me a husband I can start having babies. It’s easy to make dinner tasty when you can just throw a. _ State: The Coke. f reach for the pot of coffee but him about my pancake preferences. He know how much Doris could’ve taken me — tells me they can’t do it. for? Now she can’t even sue me because much. I’m going to quit work here soon so J -| most of the time. Now that Peis girl, I can’t hunt. with the men.” before in my life been so “People change, you know. It’s pretty dog- Bucks! | “Oh, no, don’ t be silly. I just sat in the car “And you ‘re happy?” - gone difficult to find a good woman these and Win 1 $50 Phone. 1: — re can you be seeing a y ask Patty. - 4, -y%e'all out in the kitchen, too. I tell 1 amsays.so glad“Do that" for!she fighting [wasonealways no listened to me,” you _ incidentally looks very odd on her seeing ~ how she’s a man-hatin’ feminist who physically favors Johnny Cash. “You're a. ee City: ‘ “Did you kill. any —, happy. You know that gay marriage thing I spit coffee across the sa narrowly missing Patty’s polka-dot dress, which, Winner does not have to be present during drawing. Winner will receive $50 coil and get their mug in the paper. One registration form per person! Participants must be 16 or = and must present a valid driver's license for verification. | / cr minute. foe the first time in my 33 years, I fate es absolutely nothing to say. | squeak outsie “P've never Pm seeing a REGISTRATION FORM Find Mingo | my coffee. “Ts Doris beating you?” SS flere’ S pew lai room, and fried up the biggest, greasiest I ask, sipping ics! Lisl ~ for that combo. I’m thinking about order- home, told Doris to take a hike, hopped _ ing the pancake platter with no butter, no on the internet, met some men in a chat | ~ eggs, no sausage. | tell him | need anoth- I ask. Name: ' decision about breakfast. I really want yogurt and gtanola but this isn’t the place ing way to make tofu palatable and I real- ized that I had had enough. So I went didn’t.” ? The waiter is doling at me, awaiting my ae _ burger you've ever seen. It was like mak-. ‘Patty shakes hes Bead, “Too ised to get a ing an appointment for a gnc lesbian, Patty. man?” “Wine country?” | ane dbadaaB as Ne, Peay, cup around here,” she says. . “That’s what makes ‘em: sO tasty,” ’ she says. weil ALLL : - months county fair, you know.” there I am trying to find some new, excit- _ : “Legal, schmegal. Who carés about the “You're phe right?” 2 say to Paty She | law?” Patty turns to the waiter, patting _ shakes her head. him on the rear. “And bring me a Diet . “No, no, no. | just can’t " enscels of “S Coke with that, too, will you hon?” those biscuits and gravy,’ she says. “You know they've got lard in — Msllid La ldh ~ helping with all the dessins oe big slabs of meat into the cart and paying for all the groceries and the wife just looks so happy tending to those younguns, and “Not house cats. We were hunting Bie cats, cougars, ’ she says. Pl] have the biscuits and eravy with a side of hash browns. Oh, and give mea Diet Coke,” I tell him. “Thar anand,” Patty says. “You'll be so much on once — stop pee ee ~ Your what?” “My needlepoint. I won first prize at last | . self.” ‘MINGO! MINGO! MINGO! This Weeks Winner! | | | | | | | | | | ! . | | | | | | Mingo Pays a Visit to Sandie Pays! Sandie Pays, of Heber City, found out it pays Mingo contest week after week. As last week’s lucky winner, Ms. Pays said she enters faithfully along with three friends every week. After entering the drawing at the Larry J. Coet Chevrolet dealership last week, she found out that her diligence really pays off! : Ms. Pays is pictured in the center along with her granddaughters, Sara Bonnett age 8, and Paige Bonnett age 2. Also sharing in the Mingo fun is Loree §J. Coet, pee owner, pictured on the. ‘right. . Don’t forget to enter. this week’s contest at Ogden’s Carpet Outlet. Enter before noon on Friday as the drawing is sched- uled immediately thereafter. a to enter the | al sa he sill Ortober 26, 1999 E ; |