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Show The Dog Days of ne 1996 a OLF IN THE NINETIES— WE MEAN OF COURSE THE 1990’S, ‘CAUSE WE RARELY BREAK 100 OR THE TEN COMMANDMENTS RE-WRITTEN BY DAVE PECK | _ Outside of Cricket, you would be hard pressed to find a game with more preposterous rules than Golf. It — is a relatively simple game. a funny shaped stick, and whack the bejezeezus out repeatedly until it rests in Drop one and hit away. And buy used laugh-riot; it helps their game, balls in bulk from now your friendship, to no end. 7. Thou shalt concentrate until you break eighty. _ 3. Unless betting, thou shalt be concerned with thine own score and not thy partners. A good friend of mine, and I’m sure you all know You take use it to of a ball a hole in the ground. Yet it is the simplest someone like this, helpfully counts is a water hazard or that part of a everyone’s score but his own, condemns Mulligans though he’s never broken 100 in his life, invokes arcane rules about loose impediments and yaps_ about the, “Albatross” (3 under par) he’s going to get. This behavior is annoying, emasculating and meddlesome. _ Worry about your own score and try to ignore the pest. When betting, however, the mulligans go the way of the Dodo. : 4. Though shalt break at least water hazard so situated that it is not one club, intentionally, in thy golf possible or is deemed by the Committee to be impractical to drop career. This is crucial for many reasons. It exorcises the golf demons that haunt your bag. It’s a great cathartic release, probably saving you from something worse. Mostly things in life that become complex under scrutiny. This game possesses the soul like no other. It brings out | the worst in everyone. Because of Golf’s propensity for the ne’er-dowell spirit, a complex set of rules has been created. No one wants to tote the encyclopedia-length rules around, and most book of us of don’t even understand it anyway (e.g. — this helpful definition of a lateral water hazard: “A lateral water hazard a ball behind the water hazard in accordance with Rule 26-1b’”). “Huh, - you-cry,. “exactly” we respond. Try this primer for basic life on the links. ; 1.Thou shalt not delay the golfers behind you.-In the USGA though, you will feel so ridiculous in calls for a two-stroke penalty. If this front of other golfers that you’ll never do it again. If you aren’t humiliated enough on the links, you then get to bring the sorry shrapnel to the golf shop to be reshafted, where you will hear every dumb joke about rule were properly enforced, you can broken clubs ever told. Twice. bet the guy who plumbobs his putt, 5. Thou shalt yell “FORE” at the top of thy lungs any time a ball is going within a '4 mile of another rulebook, rule 6.7 refers to slow play as Undue Delay, which infraction tosses a fistful of grass to check the wind, does deep breathing Shakra exercises until he’s calm, then finally jerks the two-footer a meter past the hole, would just line saving the other 71 - course and the twenty list considerable time _ putts. Even if money the longer you think the more green will up and hit it, golfers on the on the waiting to hit their own is on the line, about the shot, appear in your mind between the ball and the hole. Just hit it. Or if you can’t do that - wave me through! There is no excuse _ for not letting a group through if you have an empty hole in front of you. 2. Thou shalt not search for a lost ball ‘til the cows come home. This is a corollary to Commandment #1. First of all, time is money. Even a Tour Balata costs three bucks at the most, and if you’re playing those you shouldn’t be hitting shots deep into_ the gorse like the rest of us. Any other ball isn’t worth your time, or that of your playing partners. I don’t care that your ball was graced with your family’s coat-of-arms that dates back to opening day at St. Andrew’s, it’s still just a pimply plastic toy that won’t survive the back nine anyway. length and “Drive for show, size of the wave, putts for the umpteenth time. The distraction will do them good, and perhaps speed up their play. The one exception to this rule is for extreme violators to rule #1. Repeatedly time. 8. Thou shalt not admit new love interest that thou eARISM 4 aa this is a real Page y - tn oO insanely ; addicted to the game of golf. Tell him or her about your Denali expedition _ where three mates died in an avalanche. Show him or the Andes, surfing Waimea je The tail light and tailgate handle for yO 95 Nissan Truck Toyota Truck USED TRUCKS & AUTO PARTS WE’RE BUYING CARS & TRUCKS THAT HAVE BEEN TOTALED. CALL 801-973-6234 or 1-800-286-6234 ‘ moonlight. ; Windsurfing | C ‘year Cirque in the — ..PLUS a humongous collection of parts for. other vehicles with more arriving daily! aand thity— skiing fot, | Pa Oe| Wolverine 87 @ Your left window regulator for your 84-88 Bay For Sale Ludicrously low, assininely affordable, preposterously priced! | =>Bie Vivace 270 slalom board, straps and two blade eevee | fins,: $250 (new $1049) $350 with deluxe padded D2 aphrodisiac, : ‘trying to find your soul- think to a 3 art rarely convince them to let you through, but it makes you feel better and can encourage an interesting dialogue with them at the next hole. 6. When playing with a lefty, after he cleaves out an ugly half-acre. Left-handers of champions miss two foot putts all the ‘and feet, thou shalt remember to say “T know what the problem is, you’re standing on the wrong side of the ball!” and then laugh uproariously as if you’ve never heard it said before. it’s the motion splitting the fairway with a three- hitting into an offending group will of land and scrapes the ball twenty but haven’t played in a couple years, you’re still a damn good golfer and should admit it. It’s always easier to find excuses for a bad round than to apologize for making others look stupid on the course. The exception to this rule is when there’s serious money on the line, in which-case bar no holds. 10. Though shalt never vata golf on TV when thou couldst be playing it thyself. Unless it’s the Masters or U.S. Open. dough” hundred yard rocket; it’s a feeling that lasts for days sometimes. No - matter that you then go on to threeputt fora double-bogey, you still had _ the drive of the day. Besides, PGA in club members are plumbobbing their | for not sandbag. captain of your golf team at Andover the ocean.” Nothing feels better than lethal Billie Barouk putter can be putt shalt Don’t tell new golf acquaintances that you “stink on ice” and then shoot a 76, calling it a “lucky round.” - They will think you an ass and never play with you again. If you were the on alacrity of thy probably also pontificate “It’s not the but silently hitting into another player is an egregious crime and can result in some nasty confrontations. An enraged octogenarian wielding a downright scary. A side benefit to yelling is when you are near a green where the stodgiest, most uptight 9. Thou. drive, leaving the short game for when thou retirest. The length of your drive is directly proportionate to your man-or-womanhood. Those who quote that tired old adage her your scars from mountain _ biking. Regale your sweetheart with tales of | hang gliding _ player. There is no shame in yelling, ~ the their finger as soon as possible. and you're | Kine foil board bag. mates « Save the golf stories you until hear do.” course, “I Of if your date lets it slip that he or she is also a golf junkie, get a ring on 13 =>Mistrat Ecstasy BUMP AND JUMP/wave board, 8'4", straps and 2 fins, $425 (new $1100) S>FIBERSPAR World Cup Carbon boom, 5'6"-7'0", with Da Kine adjustable lines and uphaul, $175 | Hot Sais Maut 4.0 Gridlock Wave, $150 © Hor Sais Maui 4.5 AWOL VR bump and jump, $200 “Hot Sais Maui 5.0 AWOL VR bump and jump, $200 Da Kine Kalama chest harness, medium $30 Da Kine padded fin stash, $15 Call dave @ 801.647.5851 — |