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Show UVU REVIEW A7 OPINIONS Chubby girls don't get dads Eating disorders aren't just about weight, and the struggle can last a lifetime By Lacy Bentley Staff Writer rainbowsinblue@gmail.com I am seven years old. Mommy said Daddy left because she got fat. I'm going to get skinny and beautiful so Daddy will come back. My friends eat Twinkies and Ding Dongs in their lunches every day. They are going to get fat and their Daddy's are going to leave them. Not me. I only eat half of everything on my lunch tray. I'm so good and so happy. He's coming soon, I just know it. I'll send him a picture of how skinny I am so he can love me. My friend is chubby. Her daddy hugs her at her birthday party and cuts her birthday cake. Is he making her fat so he can leave? I don't understand. Chubby girls don't get daddies. They can't be loved, but she gets a mommy and a daddy and a birthday party. I want to go home where no one will notice me cry and no dumb mommy will ask me what's wrong. I hate mommies. I didn't know chubby girls could have nice mommies and daddies. I don't know what to do. Today I ate four dingdongs. My stomach hurts like I could throw up, but the ding-dongs will make me chubby so I can have a daddy and a mommy I like trying to get fat better than trying to get skinny. I like treats and I like chicken and rice with gravy. It's been a lifetime and I will never be thin enough for him to come back. She will never love me. Whatever. I'm getting tired of hearing how thin I am. The next person who calls me "bean pole" just might get one to the face. Besides, eating makes me feel and if they had my pain, they'd quit feeling too. Just leave me alone. I think I'm going to have to quit track. I can't keep up. I do okay on days I can buy a sandwich for lunch. It really helps, but my brother needs some stuff for school, and I need to buy my yearbook. I do okay on a Sunkist and Score bar. I want him to be able to have what he needs for school. Why does everything hurt so much all the time? I hate the ER. Mom's new toy had to carry me in this time, my legs gave out. I guess this is it for track. My stomach is being ripped apart from the inside. I tried to tell them I was going to pass out. Idiot nurse told me to stop being dramatic, so I puked some vile green shit all over her white shoes before 'Hi, I'm Lacy and I'm anorexic. Please don't kick me out. I don't know where else to go.' And the leader smiles at me. 'Welcome, dear. Stay as long as you want. We are a family here.' I fell out of the wheel chair. Yeah, I'm faking it. Idiot. Brian asked me to many him I am so happy! I love being part of a family. Every time I walk in the door Brian's mom is cooking. I can't wait to be part of this forever. She is amazing and says brides should be "plump." I'm not so sure about that, but they love me and I don't care about anything else. It is safe to eat here. I'm getting married next week. What am I doing? He's not Brian. His mom isn't Joyce. Let's just get this over with. I can't breathe anymore. I stopped breathing a long time ago. The baby is 15 months old and I finally dropped all the Over one half of teenage girls and nearly one third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking, vomiting and taking laxatives. No baby wants a fat mama. Don't worry kid, I've got this. Something is wrong. I can't stand up without blacking out. Last night I fell trying to use the bathroom and woke up collapsed over the tub. I think I broke a couple of ribs. I'm scared. In group we are talking about self-destructive behaviors and Chris brought up eating disorders. I read the literature she gave us. Does she seriously think I'm anorexic? I don't feel anorexic and if I was I would definitely know. I'm not stupid, Chris. I went to AA tonight with a woman I met last week. There are no meetings for people like us, so we find what we can. She goes to meetings everyday. This is my first one and I am terrified. A kind and toothless old guy walks out from behind the counter, hands me a Blue Book and tells me it's going to get better. I don't know why, but I believe him. He knows something and I want to know it too. I go in and sit down with my new friends. "Hi, I'm Lacy and I'm anorexic. Please don't kick me out. I don't know where else to go." And the leader smiles at me. "Welcome, dear. Stay as long as you want. We are a family here." And we are. I'll take another 24. weight. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LAURA FOX MARCH 24, 2014 WINGMEN from A6 laughed. We did all those things mourners do and more. We shared memories and I was amazed that most of them were positive, citing some crazy thing Jason had done, an example of his wry sense of humor or a kind gesture he had performed. I was tasked with writing the obituary. It was quite possibly the most difficult thing I've ever had to write, though it was quite therapeutic, and I feel it captured his essence in a way that resonated with all who knew him. At the funeral I met more of my family and more of Jason's friends than I have seen in years. All who spoke did so powerfully, imparting comfort and advice to benefit the living. Under the circumstances I was glad to be there. right where they couldn't be seen until it was too late. Jason laid down and dug in his board with all his might to keep from hitting the men. Lucky for them, he stopped before plowing the men over. However, this sudden stop came at great cost. Both of Jason's legs were shattered, leaving him immobilized at our parents' house, where I was living at the time. All of this while he was working on his Master's thesis. Jason was a genius. No exaggeration, he had an advanced IQ. He was the dumbest smart person I'd ever met. The weeks he then had to spend with his legs up were bittersweet. Though sad to see my brother in such pain, I rejoiced to have so much time to hang out with him. I became his chauffeur and, once again, his wingman. We spent hours watching TV and movies together. With the noWe did all those table exception that I was now sixty pounds heavier and half things mourners a foot taller than him, it was much like the old days when do and more. We we would hit the town together. shared memories, We had long, meaningful conversations in which he and I was amazed confided in me that he was rethat most of them ally, really trying to do better in all aspects of his life, and were positive, citing that he respected my opinion enough that if he was ever besome crazy thing ing an ass, he would let me call him out. Jason had done, an Virtually all worries about his addictions and occasional example of his wry shortcomings evaporated sense of humor or around that time. However, several months a kind gesture he later I was very disappointed to find that he had been stealhad performed. ing his in-laws medications and abusing, landing himself in the hospital. Due to posttraumatic stress from his accident and three decades of Meeting the hearse at the bottled-up emotions, he had cemetery, I served as a pallrelapsed. bearer. I noticed what I felt betrayed. I felt like should have been that the heavithose sweet conversations we est load I had ever carried behad had months before were a came bearable with the help complete sham. Empty words of my other brothers and Jaspoken with guile by someone son's closest friends. I trusted. As the casket was lowered Over the next few months, into the earth, we listened to he struggled to stay complete- "Amazing Grace" on the loud ly sober. We locked up our speaker, first traditional medicine cabinets and hid any version, thenthe a punk and all pills to deter him from rendition by none otherrock than abusing them. the Dropkick Murphys —JaIt seemed like he was makspecial request. ing some headway when sud- son's was comfortingly amusdenly in July 2012 we had a ing.ItOne last mark Jason could death in the family. Our sis- leave on our souls to ter's husband, Jason's best prove he wascollective here. friend, committed suicide. I would be lying Bottling his emotions up as to Though say I don't struggle with it usual, Jason put on a brave from time to time, am curface and tried to make the pro- rently at peace with Ithe situacess a little easier for all of us. tion. The strain of it all was just too Due to issues with stress, much for him. I was forced to drop a class, Try as he might he could not now taking the bare minimum escape the clutches of mind- and hoping for the best. hijacking substances. I want to I'm livid that I have to wait stress here that he really was such long time to see him trying hard. Though I outright again.aBut does not overrefuse to believe that it is ever shadow thethis positive force he impossible to resist any urge had on my life. or temptation, from what I've In areas other than addicseen I now concede that it can tion, he was my role model, be frustratingly, agonizingly, a wonderful, brilliant person I excruciatingly difficult. was proud to call my brother. Over the next year and I hope to emphasize two a half, Jason rode a roller takeaways. The is that coaster of improvement and loss does not meanfirst the end of relapse. He received a DUI, happiness. losing his license for a year. Though this is the hardest He tried to improve, attending experience of my life, I am AA meetings, speaking with a comforted to know that my counselor, and nearly anything brother is no longer in pain, he could to suppress his addic- and that there is always room tions. for each of us to improve. On January 19, I was sitting I can learn from this expein church when my pocket be- rience most importantly, gan to buzz. I politely excused I have and the ability to be happimyself and stepped outside to er than anyone else, answer it. In a somber voice knowing pain meansbecause having my dad asked, "Sean, where that much more capacity for are you?" joy. "I'm at church," I said, "Is The second takeaway something wrong?" should obvious. Any"Yes. Jason bought some one withbeeven a casual redrugs last night. He's dead." lationship with drug abuse To be perfectly honest, shouldn't be fooled. these words didn't fully regToo often they tell themister in my brain for weeks, selves, and over, that though the initial shock and they canover any time they rage immediately had me want and quit that they still have in my car, screaming and all the willpower of a sober punching the ceiling, leaving person. dents in my car and scabs on No matter how many times my knuckles. it's said, it is still the biggest My family, all the siblings, lie that could be told. Get their spouses and children help. Clean up. gathered together. We held And for the sake of everyeach other. We cried. We one you love, never start. |