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Show OPINIONS VOLUME LII • ISSUE 1 JULY 5, 2011 WWW.UVUREVIEW.COM Idiot's Guide to Living: A problem's a problem, no matter how small BY JOHN-ROSS BOYCE Opinions Editor Recently I was plagued with a dilemma. Not a major dilemma. Not even really a pickle. A minor problem, at best. Still, it was something that was keeping me awake at a time of night when I really shouldn't be debating anything. Bereft of options or ideas, I turned to the ol' laptop, logged into Facebook and sought advice from my online community of friends, family and well-wishers. I wrote: "I have never seen Alien do I need to watch that one before I can watch Aliens? The second one is on Netflix, but the first one isn't." Like I said, this was not a major issue. This quandary doesn't even rank on the same level as being stuck in a bathroom with no toilet paper. However, I had two options before me and reaching a concrete decision was somewhat problematic. Fortunately, my pals and acquaintances were there for me. Over the course of several comments, I determined that patience is a virtue and I should wait for an opportunity to see the first Alien film before I delve into its myriad sequels. All in all I would say that my particular social network was quite helpful — except for one nameless, Negative Nelly who commented that my situation was classifiable as a "first world problem." For those of you who have never heard this term, allow me to explain. "First world problem" is a term that white, middle-class liberal students use when they want to inform you that whatever problem you have is nowhere near as daunting as the daily problems of a person living in the Third World. A First World Problem, for example is dropping your iPod in your Jacuzzi. A First World Problem is getting bumped from your pedicure appointment. A Third World problem is living in poverty on the Indian subcontinent. Or genocide in Darfur. Or the military junta in Burma. On the one hand, it could be seen as a way of saying "count your blessings." But most of the time it's used in an unsympathetic manner in order to make you feel guilty for being annoyed at something, which, in the grand scheme of things, is not terribly pressing. Now, again, I understand that my problematic decision between Alien and Aliens is nowhere as great an issue as the systematic murder of an entire people, or a government oppressing its citizens. And not only do I understand where my personal quotidian dilemmas rank, but I also understand that there are things I can and should do to help alleviate the problems of my neighbors and even the problems of people on the other side of the world who I will never meet. I understand that I am very privileged individual, compared to the majority of human race. Comprehending all of that, however, doesn't make the phrase "First World Problems" any less annoying. First of all, if I'm logged on Facebook at 12:43 in the ante meridian, there are probably not a lot of things I can do about Somali pirates. What resources are even available to me in a small American town after hours that might enable me to contribute somehow to the revolutionary efforts in Libya? Nothing significant, I can tell you that right now. When the sun rises, I can get up, take a shower and go outside to shove petitions into people's hands. I can get a permit and bullhorn and rally on the steps of the State Capital. But in the midnight hour, the best thing you can do to help people is relax and saw some logs, so that you're well-rested enough to fight the good fight tomorrow, if that is indeed your plan. On that same note, what is the person declaring my problem to be "First World" in nature doing to help anyone either? Seriously. Those keystrokes you made on an Internet site where we stalk exgirlfriends and post pictures of cats - did they somehow unlock a secret code that triggers a device that sends supplies and food to earthquake victims in Japan? Or did they just serve to amplify your smug sense of accomplishment because, this time, you weren't the one caught whining about something stupid? How exactly did you heal the world with that scathing commentary? When you blithely dismiss someone else's problems, even if they're not huge terrible problems, it's pompous. Our problems, whatever they may be, are not a contest. They are simply our inconvenient lives. Some are more inconvenient, harsh or even terrifying than others. Remember, if you can dismiss one problem, you can dismiss all problems, because there is always going to be something that is bigger — or at least perceived as bigger — than your daily afflictions. Sure, we know where I stand with my Netflix Instant Queue situation. But what about Darfur verse Burma? Do you walk up to bloody body a Buddhist monk, who has just taken a bullet for his countrymen as a symbolic gesture against the military regime that binds his spirit and tell him that the real nastiness is happening over in West Sudan? No. It would cruelly insensitive. That's while we may prioritize our dilemmas, we never dismiss them. We never downplay them. We simply ask, "What can I do to help?" Whether it's the wrong pizza, an empty gas tank, or a long line at the store, my problems are still my problems. A starving toddler in Ethiopia, while pitiful and horrible and worthy of great attention and care, does not make my current plague any less plaguing. I promise to do my part to give succor to those that suffer so greatly — as soon as I can after I've put gas in my tank or paid for my groceries. But, honestly, next time it's past midnight and I have a decision to make between The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, I'm probably going to solve that problem right away. Once that's done, and it's morning, I'll figure out how to end world hunger. John-Ross Boyce I just flushed my phone down the toilet. 25 minutes ago - Like - Comment ri „% - Elyse Taylor Ugh...flying to New York for the weekend, no phone for 8 hours! Can't check my FB! Airplane mode, ugh! Parker Donat Can't decide whether to get Papa Johns pizza or Papa Murpheys, life is hard. Jarom Moore My DVR didn't record the last half-hour of the game, cursed overtime! Random Hipster OMG, guyzzz! Those are all such first world problems! CONTACT: COURTESY OF STOCKICHNG Kids move around the room in an exercise that teaches not only about movement but also spatial awareness. Destroying nests if for the birds UVU may have messed with the wrong federally protected swallows BY JOHN-ROSS BOYCE Opinions Editor Each year, as the snows are melting and the leaves are hesitantly beginning to bud, Utah Valley University is invaded by a hoard comprised of hundreds, perhaps thousands. They descend from the skies and squat in the more elevated nooks and crannies all over our campus. Are they some kind of winged Hottentots? Or an aerial platoon of Mongol raiders? Is this some kind of annual Red Dawn revival, staged in the outdoors for our amusement and consideration as we trek from one classroom to another? Actually, it's just a simple flock of Petrochelidon pyrrhonota— otherwise known as the cliff swallow. Cliff swallows breed in large colonies, building cone-shaped nests out of mud. By the end of the breeding period, each one of those nests will contain between three and six eggs. The cliff swallows particularly favor our campus, because their natural nests are typically built beneath overhangs. From an architectural standpoint, UVU has those in spades. And when our feathered guests crash here for the season, our students and faculty benefit as well — the cliff swallow spends a lot of its time eating the flies and mosquitoes which would otherwise attack us mercilessly. The summer nesting period is therefore an important time for our friend the cliff swallow — it is the time frame in which they build up their species' reserves before they head for South America during the winter. Or, in a more appropriate metaphor for our readers based in Family City, U.S.A., this is when bachelor swallows stop being menaces to society and start settling down. But these days the home of the Wolverines has not been a very welcoming environment for our seasonal boarders. Students and faculty, including Dr. Chris- topher Foster, a lecturer in the philosophy department, have witnessed grounds staff tearing down swallow nests all over campus. "The swallows were frantically returning to the destroyed nests over and over again in desperation," Foster said. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. If you don't want wild animals hanging around your campus, defecating all over your statues, evict them. We would cast out unwelcome stray dogs or a confused bear wandering by our library, would we not? But the cliff swallow has some pretty powerful friends. Namely, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service. The cliff swallow, like all swallows, are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act of 1918. The treaty prohibits the removal of all listed species or their parts — including the nests - " The cliff swallow has some pretty powerful friends." under penalty of law. While permits to remove a bird or its materials do exist, they're not easy to obtain, even if one seeks to remove a species from private property. The people who do receive such permission are typically contractors who specialize in wildlife relocation. It is unknown whether or not UVU has one of these permits. But if they don't, it could spell trouble for the school. According to Nathan Darnall, the Migratory Birds Coordinator for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services in West Valley City, there are no circumstances under which a person or organization would be allowed to remove protected nests without a permit, unless it can be proved that the nest in question is inactive — meaning that no birds currently reside there. But during the actual nesting period, an inactive nest would be found maybe once in a blue moon, if at all. And even if it did happen, it'd be difficult for just any Tom, Dick or groundskeeper to peer into a cliff swallow's nest and determine whether it's completely abandoned or merely empty for the afternoon. This kind of task requires much more than even a cursory knowledge of ornithology. It requires you to scale a ladder and shine a flashlight into the tiny mouth of this otherwise closed-off nest. You can't just say "Oh, there are no eggs in this nest, shut it down." You have to scan for trace evidence that a bird might inhabit that particular domicile before you destroy it. Ever seen "CSI: Miami?" You have to do that kind of stuff — pick up little sparrow-sized cigarette butts and determine how recently they were snuffed. According to Melissa Vobell, who works in Grounds, the people taking down these cliff sparrow nests are in normal everyday grounds crews. No offense to anyone on the grounds crew, but it seems highly doubtful that any ornithological skills came up when you were interviewing for the gig. And if you happen to possess such a skill set, I'm sorry to inform you that you're probably not getting paid enough money for what you do. So: if the school doesn't have a permit to take down the nests and if the people who formally carry out the removal of the sparrow nests are not really the kind of people who can tell if that nest is inhabited or not, then the school is breaking the law. UVU could potentially land in hot water if they can't prove that the cliff sparrow nests they removed and destroyed were uninhabited. Seeing as the nests in question are now gone forever, this could be a feat. When we mess with these cliff swallows, we apparently mess with U.S. Fish and Wildlife Services. And they are pretty serious about their migratory birds. OPINIONS EDITOR OPINIONS DESIGNER jrboyce@gmail.com andreawhatcott@gmail.com JOHN-ROSS BOYCE ANDREA WHATCOTT |