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Show A6 Monday March 9,2009 Start getting offended by something that matters... Like the fact that people apparently shop in Deseret Book's art section fense so foul it's tantamount to a crime against humanity? Opinions writer I'm glad you asked. First up If you're anything like on the list is smarmy Morme, you no doubt have a long mon Art. and illustrious list of people, At a recent trip to Deseret places or things that annoy, Book, I refilled my canteen irritate or otherwise vex you. of simmering anger over However, unlike me your the idea that the creators of list is probably filled with such atrocities are not only exasperating, albeit minor lauded and compensated for inconveniences as opposed their work, but are actually to my list's enumeration of encouraged to continue polsociopathic-behavior-induc- luting human culture. ing grievances First of all, the most imOnce you start thinking portant thing to remember about things that annoy you, about smarmy Mormon art you probably, immediately, is that each and every piece recall your morning com- every single asininely banal, mute. Now, Utah drivers faux-spiritual representation are without a doubt the least - was designed by the artist attentive drivers that I have to be the centerpiece of your ever had the misfortune to living room. Think about share the road with and they that for a second. also possess less regard for If we continue to tolerhuman life than any of histo- aje this hokey crap it's only ry's most genocidal dictators a matter of time before walls at their most dangerously across Utah are decked with murderous. garish depictions of a gigI get it. It's annoying. gling Christ in a Hawaiian However, in order to com- shirt jumping rope with a prise a list of the truly offen- bunch of white kids (and a sive, items in question must token sprinkling of black and be so contemptuous, so vile, brown children) while givso recklessly inconsiderate ing the viewer a big cheesy of others that their only pos- thumbs up. sible aim would have to have I'm not completely up to been to cause offense. snuff on my religious end-ofUtah drivers don't fit the the-worjd.prpphecy, but I'm bill because they aren't ac- pretty sure that that would tively trying to antagonize be one of the major signs of you. They're just self-ab- the apocalypse. But enough sorbed, entitled, selfish mo- hyperbole, let's get down to rons with an ass backwards some actual examples. view of how the road should The honor of being skewbe shared. They're stupid, ered first belongs to a paintnot evil. ing called shield of faith So what constitutes an of- by Judy Cooley. The main JOHNNY POOLE Image by Jordy Kirkman/ UVU Review problem with shield of faith is that it follows the least interesting yet most used visual imagery in Mormon scripture. You guessed it. shield of faith is about putting on the "whole armor of God," a running theme in Mormon art. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's a good metaphor in literature, but it just looks silly and militant in a painting. Second on the list is peace is coming by Jon McNaughton, which also extends the militant expressions of Mormon scripture. It's hard to describe the pure awfulness that this image exudes, but I'll do my best. As shown in this painting,, a sparkly white-and-gold-robed Jesus Christ is walking through what I would have to guess is a battlefield. Behind the scene, to the left, there appears to be the smoldering ruins of a city. Back and to the right are the remains of some army's standards. Christ is walking through a group of soldiers who have made a semi-circle surrounding him. But wait, there's a twist, all of the soldiers appear to be from different points in time. There's a soldier from the American Revolution, a crusader, a present-day marine, a roman fighter, a Native American warrior and a musketeer, among others. Maybe it's just me, but what the hell is McNaughton try- ing to say here? First of all, why are all these people fighting in the same war and who's on which side? If this is Heaven and all the fighters are already dead, why are cities burning in the background? Maybe most importantly, why does Jesus look as though not totally sure of where he is? If you're looking for a pretentious piece of crap that's sure to start inane conversations about how "true" it is, look no further than peace is coming. Last but not least we have another riff off the ol' "armor of God" motif. I'm not sure what the name of this painting is or the creator, but it does look eerily similar to another painting by artist Don Christensen called called to serve. In this painting, we have two missionaries getting ready to go out for the day. One is tying his shoes and is unimportant to the scene. The other is standing in front of a full-length mirror and looking down at a copy of the Book of Mormon that he -is holding in his left hand, down by his waist. In his right hand he has a backpack. Now, you're probably thinking that this doesn't sound too offensive, and so far you'd be right. Unfortunately, I haven't described to you the tableau unfolding in the mirror. While most mirrors simply reflect what is physically in front of them, this apparently magic mirror actually shows a spiritual reflection. Instead of a white shirt and tie, the mirror shows this missionary dressed in armor; his backpack is a shield and his Book of Mormon a sword. But the best part? In the mirror image there's a floating (or ridiculously tall) Jesus putting the missionary's imaginary helmet on his head. I mean, come on! Really? 1 don't know abcjut you, but my Jesus has more im'portant things to do than magically appear in Mirror World for the sole purpose of being some random mis r sionary's Pretend Armor Squire. Do people actually look at this junk and confuse whatever it is they're feeling for spirituality? Isn't that both insulting and brazenly condescending? Real art evokes real feelings, other than contempt by an artist for their audience, that is. So now do you understand? Is your blood boiling? Unlike your being cut off by some inconsiderate schmuck this morning, these paintings were neither accidental nor incidental. The artist actually thought that you were dumb enough to confuse their "work" for art. That's how little regard they have for your sense of taste and refinement. And that's why smarmy Mormon art makes The List. ion Curtain' proposed legislation could change liquor law lution to keep young people from drinking? Moreover, what happens when the child becomes an adult and has to have a business meeting over drinks; how will they be able to adapt to a society if they are sheltered from the reality that some adults drink? I respect the fact that parents want to protect their kids, but I deplore the fact that some individuals feel their moral concerns are more important than my legal rights. Moreover, it is not a business' responsibility to prevent children from moral dilemmas. If Sen. John Valentine is so concerned about the moral issues facing minors, Jie should look to their parents, not to businesses for the answers. Additionally, if Sen. John Valentine and concerned parents do not agree Deborah Hen Guest Op-Ed When did the .rights of children become more important than the rights of a responsible voting adult? Apparently, Utah has classified the rights of business owners and legally aged, responsible adults as less important than those of minors when Sen. 'John Valentine proposed a bill dubbed, "The Zion Curtain." "The bill would require restaurants to prepare drinks in a back room or behind a 10-foot-high wall," reported Robert Gehrke of the Salt Lake Tribune. The bill's goal is to keep young diners from seeing drinks being poured or mixed - but is this really the best so6 3 9 4 1 6 3 2 3 4 6 2 8 1 9 3 5 7 2 6 3 2 1 3 8 4 8 6 9 8 5 Wean aturmc 9 5 6 1 CJI 1 6 1 3 4 1 9 4 4 3 6 on how an establishment runs their business, they can simply decide not to become a patron. Whether you drink or not, Sen. John Valentine's bill will affect you. Business owners have to pay for the new construction to met standards described in the bill, and several businesses simply don't have the money to comply. One business owner testified in Gehrke's piece that if he were required to meet the costs of reconstruction, some of* his other restaurants would have to close. What does that mean to the rest of us? 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