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Show Monday Beard Rules for Beardy Mcweirdy June 30, 2008 STAFF f K F E C t I O N Just because you can grow one doesn't mean you should. Parker D o n a t H Opinions writer Beard Rules: It's hard having a beard. It's itchy, it's hot, people TTX YOU can only stare at it, and you can't have a beard if you are too blow huge bubble gum bub- lazy to shave. If not, shave bles. I think the toughest, but it. manliest, part of having a beard is to get enough courage to grow pubic-Iike hair all over your face. To those men who try and succeed, I say, "Good one on you, mate" and for those who are follicle-challenged, I say, "Dude, sorry. If God didn't put it there, don't even try A great example of a good beard. it." For this reason, I feel that f f A If you are too there definitely needs to be lazy to shave, then you must more guidelines set as to have a legitimate reason for determine who can and who being lazy. If not, shave it. can't grow beards. Example: "I am a bum" Truly, some beards make is a good reason for growyou look like a rock star, and ing a beard. You can't arsome beards make you look gue with that. What about if like you have a squirrel on one says, "My razor broke, your chin. and 1 am too lazy to buy a Some guys really don't realize that it looks like a new one." No, this dude squirrel on their chin. So, doesn't sound lazy enough in order to stop the creepi- to me. He doesn't truly want ness and to give Mr. Beardy a long lasting lush beard. McWeirdy a chance with How about this: "1 am a ski the ladies, I created, "Beard bum." Then yes, you may. Rules." Not, "Beards Rule!" Any bums get a free beard It's just plain, "Beard card in my book, including beach bums. If you have any Rules." Now you can know if questions regarding if you you can have a sweet beard are lazy enough, refer to a Canadian or any dude on a or not. horse. They are usually certified, i #3 If your razor breaks, or it isn't comfortable to shave, you officially have two working days to buy a new razor and shave, per Canadian law. If not, shave it. Trim your beard nicely and neatly. It cannot grow longer than an inch. If so, shave it. That is to avoid all creepiness and/or Bin Laden look-a-likes. You can only grow a beard if it looks like Glint Eastwood's in The Good, Tixe Bad, And The Ugly, because if it isn't bad, and if it isn't ugly, then it's got to be good. If not, shave it. # 9 #4 Absolutely no blond or white beards, unless you are Gandalf. If not, shave it. Note: Red beards are really cool and highly regarded by girls and the beard community. (Exceptions to #7 and #8) You can only sxc.hu grow a beard longer than an inch and not have it look like Clint Eastwood if you have an English accent, sip tea, and have mustache curls. If not, shave it. #10 You can only grow a beard if you pass No thin beards. all ten Beard Rules. If you You cannot continue grow- don't, shave it and never ing a beard if you can see ever think of growing a skin underneath the beard. If beard again you sick, nasty not, shave it. No exceptions, man. McWeirdy. The bottom line is beards You cannot have can be cool, and it can scare a hideous, curly beard. If kids. So just follow Beard you do, shave it. However, I Rules. If you don't follow hear there are straightening these rules, do all of us a faoptions available at your lo- vor and shave it. I promise cal saloon, or biker bar. You you can still be a rock star, just haveto get in a fight look smart, be a hard "A," with a burly man who will have a girlfriend, and paint painfully tug on your beard. like Bob Ross and still be cool. Happy beard-growing. Ouch! Just shave it. #5 #6 Undeclared Check out what I got to save money on gas! Jordy Kirkman Nice but it's too bad you hove to sacrifice your self respect to drive it. What does the word "university" actually mean to our staff? Con I get a ride in the morning? It gets 100 miles to the gallon. A rose by any other name will be I paved over, re-zoned, and renamed. -Jack Waters University means changing the name of the paper to something none of us are too fond of.... • * • • . = . - -Jennie Nicholls ; Sj :• ./£ S That we'll be making countless mistakes fora few months, as we're all rather used to using UVSC, -Brandon Schelin i // means that each time I mention the school, my article is three letters longer than it would have been two months ago. If that's too bland, I'll also say: It means that at least one word on my resume won't be one to skim over. And if that's too bitter, I'll also say: It means that I might actually invest in a bumper sticker. ; -.,; • • . ' t ' \ ' -Mel Sundquist '-"'' I believe that the transition from "college" to "university" will open the door to opportunities which our students have not yet even thought of. It's as though we are finally being accepted as a viable institution: -Robbin Anthony ^• ^ ' ;. University is one word that perhaps has multiple meanings. This word to me means only one thing, higher tuition. -Davelba SUDOKU EASY 2 1 6 1 5 3 Weekly Crossword Solution can be found at uvcollegetimes.com 1 2 1 3 6 Across 1- Basic currency of Papua New Guinea; 5- Strong thread; 10Spanish wings?; 14-Thug; 15Artist's support; 16- Silage storage tower; 17- Break into and steal from; 19- Wading place; 20- Misplaces; 21- Capital of Austria; 23- Tries hard; 26Parade participant?; 27- Sisters' daughters; 28- Diminutive; 29Essentia! oil; 30- Strong winds; 31- Invoice abbr.; 34- Small secluded valley; 35- Reliable; 36- German Mrs; 37- One hundred of these equals one Japanese yen; 38- New Hampshire city; 39- Out; 40Washroom; 42- Tranquil; 43Combination of three; 45- Slopes backward; 46- Roaming; 47Wharves; 48- Not fer; 49Property; 54- Pleasingly pretty; 55- Packing heat; 56- Catchall abbr.; 57- Lock openers; 58- The house of a parson; 59- Social standing; 14 4 2 17 Down I- Soviet secret police; 2- Acknowledgment of debt; 3- And not; 4- Church of England member; 5Tantalizes; 6- Merchandise; 7- Egyptian goddess of fertility; 8- Pince; 9- Lofty; 10- Feature; II- Brave; 12- Unaccompanied; 13- Word with panel or energy; 18- Beau; 22- Pupil's place; 23Jagged parts; 24- Name; 25- Power to retain; 26- Fight, disturbance; 28- Enamel; 30- Welcome; 32- Lobster state; 33- Melodies; 35- Missive full of dots and dashes; 36- Expert in forestry; 38Furnace; 39- Head supporters; 41- Thinks; 42- Break away; 43- Trail; 44- Scoundrel; 45- Actor's parts; 47- Ruin; 50- Memorable time; 51- One-time link; 52- Light brown color, common to pale sunworshippers; 53- European name for a moose; OLUTIONS CAN BE FOUND AT UVC0LLEGETIMES.COM HARD 1 4 6 5 1 3 5 4 6 HHW.SUDOKU-PUZZLtS.NET * Letters to the editor requirements uvu.review.opinions@gmail.com • Letters must be turned in on Wednesday by noon in order to be printed id the next edition. • We mike no guarantee (tint letters will be printed. • Letters 300 words or test have a greater chance of being published - anything longer will be edited Tor content • Pleaje provide wi electronic copy regardless of whether or not you wish to submit a hud copy. • Ail letters become the property of The UVU ArWew as Joon as they arc submitted. Crossword puzzles provided by BestCrosswords.com (http://www.bestcrosswords.com). Used with permission. 2 |