Show ONLY AUTHENTIC DATA Of a Real Visit to Heaven and Hell Hen All Others Are Fabrications and Idle Dreams What Dreams What Constitutes Future Bliss and Future Misery After long and assiduous study and research research research re re- search during a period of two seventy-two years years and three months upon the historical cal records and native traditions in the world concerning the hereafter William I G. G Roylance professor of history in the State University has at last come to the satisfactory and well-grounded well conclusion that of all which has been said and wi written written writ writ- itten it- it ten on the great subject there is only one really authentic and perfectly attested account account account ac ac- count on record of a real visit to heaven and nd hell The result of his laborious researches researches researches re re- searches is now made known to the scholastic scholastic scholastic scho scho- lastic world through the pages of the University of Utah Chronicle The author of this wonderfully unique account was one Ike Hardscrabble whose humorous pen many years ago used to tickle the pages of the University Chronicle Chronicle Chronicle Chron Chron- icle till they fairly laughed aloud This fellow Hardscrabble left a narrative of his visit written in personal shorthand which took Doctor Roylance fifteen years to translate According to this marvelous marvelous- account of things beyond there are only two cies of mankind in eternal classified by the ghost of Darwin himself the and the And contrary to theological notions there is but one sphere for all departed spirits called Heaven But there is no difficulty in distinguish distinguishing hing h- h ing the sheep from the goats although all are dressed alike and look alike except except except ex ex- for the expression on their faces Those spirits who are awarded eternal bliss have smiles on their faces about one about one one- third of the time and the other two thirds of the time they are laughing aloud with with- laughter While the spirits consigned to eternal damnation go about with pious solemn expressions on their faces third one-third of the time and during the theother theother other two-thirds two of the time they seem to tobe tobe tobe be trying with exasperating impatience to remember something that they have forgotten forgotten forgotten for for- gotten and also wondering what the deuce the other people are laughing about I IN N Now ow the spend their time amid the of banquet ball and theatre the theatre atre in jesting over and laughing at th the silly stupid useless and absurd things done on earth in mortal life Their theatres theatres theatres the the- atres give reproductions of events dents costumes and life on earth and always always al ways call forth one one long continuous round of thunder-like thunder laughter Their balls are aie all character balls representing the social fashions on onearth earth Their ban banot are r reminiscence chats of history and biography The The look on in eternal silence wondering what the deuce all the fun is about Their power of memory has been taken a away way from them In general the are those who when on earth sought pleasure most of f the time through pleasing others while the are those who most of the time sought pleasure without much regard for the pleasure of others But the most wretched of all the miserable miserable miserable miser miser- able were those professors instructors and teachers who took little interest in their students but taught merely for the monthly bank note And equally wretched among the bilie were those students who read their student paper while not themselves sub sub- scribers The publishing of this article i is stealing a march on the gods for no doubt all who read this will so alter their lives as to be numbered in the next life among the |