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Show !PAGE 11 THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2000 UNIVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION · DAVE BARRY Traveling TOGS COMMENTARY I ~j Ctothlng & Accessories It's the Dipsy hour for fa t hers with i nfants It's very early, still dark out, and I'm on the living-room floor, trying to simultaneously sleep and play with my 6-month-old daughter, Sophie. She goes to bed at 7:30 p.m., so by 5:30 a.m., she's wide awake and raring to go. That's not a figure of speech: Sophie gets up on her hands and knees in her crib and literally rares until a sleep-deprived ·parent stumbles in there and picks her up. Then it's time for fun! When I'm the parent in charge, the first fun thing I do is change Sophie's diaper. Lately, this makes me nervous. because of an article from the Fort Worth Star-T(;!legram, sent in by many alert readers, stating that an apartment in Ennis, Texas, cauglit fire when a soiled diaper feft in a plastic bag on a hot patio released methane gas, which caused the bag to ·erupt into flames.· If a single diaper, under the right conditions, can cause that to happen , then our house is potentially a nuclear doody bomb. By the time I finish changing Sophie, it's 5:33 a.m. The morning is flying by! Next I try to feed her some "solid food," defined as "food that is not solid, and probably not food." It comes from those pranksters at Gerber, who shove everything they can get hold of - peas, beets, pears, rutabagas, pepperoois, turkeys, goats, squirrels, squids , ceiling tiles, ~tc. - into a blender, then squirt the resulting glop into tiny jars, which are labeled with names like "Protein Medley." I have an efficient feeding technique, and within a few minutes, every last spoonful of that glop is somewhere in Sophie's hair. I aim for her mouth, but she moves too fast. Sophie will try to eat virtually any random thing she finds on the floor, including a dead cockroach, but she draws the line at baby food. Now it's 6 a.m. - time to play! This is where, as a parent, you want to be creative, to stimulate your child's mind and help her develop intellectually. So I tum on the TV. My plan is that Sophie will be so fascinated that she won't notice I'm sleeping. The thing is, Sophie doesn't pay attention to the TV. She's busy rolling around the floor, exploring her environment, as her brain learns to perform the incredibly complex set of functions we call human thought ("Maybe THIS will fit into my mouth! Maybe THIS will fit into my mouth! Maybe THIS will..."). Meanwhile, despite my sleepiness, I find myself watching the TV, especially a show calle<;l "Teletubbies," which is strangely compelling. For example, in a recent episode, Dipsy, who is the second-biggest Teletubby, was wearing his black-and-white hat, which is his favorite thing , when sudden ly, for no apparent reason, there was this explosion - POOF - and Dipsy's hat was ... very small! So Dipsy went around to Laa Laa, Po and nnky Winky, and they seemed pretty uninterested, except to say, quote: "Dipsy hat too small.• This surprised Dipsy. "Dipsy hat too smallr he kept asking, as though he could not grasp this concept, even though his hat looked like this littl.e black-and-white forehead wart. Just when Dipsy was starting to come to grips with the reality that his hat was too small, POOF it was ... very big! The brim was down around Dipsy's waist. He looked like he was being eaten- by a mutant airborne cow. So Dipsy AGAIN went around to Laa Laa, Po and Tinky VVinky, and they - instead of telling him to get this hat to an exorcist - merely said: "Dipsy hat too big.· While Dipsy was trying to absorb THAT, there was another POOF , and Dipsy's hat was ... normal! As Laa Laa, Po and nnky VVinky put it, in another example of sparkling dialogue: "Dipsy hat just right.· At this point, I was totally absorbed in the plot. I wanted to discuss it with somebody. "Sophie!" I said. "Dipsy hat just right!" But Sophie had rolled away and was exploring something under the sofa (" ... Maybe THIS will fit into.. ."). I was actually glad she wasn't watching. I don't think it's healthy for babies to be exposed to a wortd where demons possess your clothing and your friends don't care. Also, ori "Teletubbies," the sun is portrayed as a giant baby" head, looking down from the sky and laughing. This is disturbing. If there's a giant baby head, there's a·giant baby butt, right? Who's disposing of THAT diaper? Think about it! I think about it a LOT, lying on the carpet. And that's not the only alarming thing about children's TV shows. I also have come to suspect that the person inside the Barney suit is, in fact, L. Ron Hubbard. I have my reasons. I'd explain them, but Sophie's chewing something. Dave Barry is a nationally-syndicated eolarnnist. ' • $50 Cash To the r Big Mouth! OPEN LATE Monday - Saturday 10-9 Cash In Or Trade Monday-Thursday Bow It worka: 3-7 Have your friends tell us you sent them to TraveU~g TOGS and receive points. You will receive one point for sending someone tn, and an two points when they make a purchase. Located next to Lin's Market ln Cedar City While TIAA-CREF invests for the long term, it's nice to see performance like this. Check out other account performance on the Web TIAA-CREF has delivered impressive results like these by combining two disciplined investment strategies. 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