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Show DAVE BARRY COMM£ TARY Take this sitting down Since nohody else has been able co, I came up with a plan for dealing with addam Hu ein. Every few months we, as a nation, ju t get FED UP with Saddam, and we fire a batch of high-tech, extremely accurate mi silessupplied by concerned taxpayers for roughly $ l million per missile -at ·trategic buildings in Iraq . Then ou r leaders display aerial photograph ·howing that we have destroyed these building . vanquished them really kicked their buns . Thi make everybody feel hetter for 25 minutes, then we sec addam on the tube again, wearing his tupid beret, rubbing us the wrong way, until finally we just can ' t TA D it any more and we whack some MORE Iraqi buildings. · Under federal law, we are not allowed to kill a foreign leader, even if he is really ticking us off. We can kill OTHER people who happen to he in che foreign leader' country, e pecially if they arc inside the buildings we hoot. But legally we may not kill the actual foreign leader personally. This may not make a ton of sense, hut it' federal law, and we mu t obey it, ju ca we mu t obey other federal law · that we do not understand . :o thi i the problem: We can't shoot Saddam, and it doesn 't seem to bother him when we shoot hi building . Is there a solution? Yes. It is a solution that requires us to unleash a force that, frankly, m ost of us would rather not even think about-perhaps the most feared, the most deadlr. the mo t evil force that the human rJcC was ever foolish enough. to c reate. That's right: plumbing. I conceived of thi plan after receiving a fascinating document from alert mechanical engineer Keith Ritter. The document was wriuen by Julius Ballanco, president of JB Engineering and Code Consulting; it was publi s hed in the October 1998 issue of PM Engineering , and i titled, " iolcntly Fracturing Water Closets," which I a ume I do not need to tell you would be an excellent name for a rock band. ·'Violently Fracturing Water Closets" begins with a chilling story: An individual-described in the Ballanco article only as "an individual"- flu he a toilet in a high-rise building and is "injured by fl ying shards of vi treous china. ·· Herc i · ti e·que tio n: We cannot legally kill a foreign leader, hut docs it state, anywhere in our body of federal law, that we cannot cause a foreign leade r's commode ro fracture violently while he is us ing it? To answer 1ha1 question , I called the United , tates Supreme Cou rt , hut it wa Sunday during the Fl. playoffs and nobody an wered. I view that as a ruling in my favor. ·o I say we get our top military and plumbing dentists together at the ·cevens In titute of Technology and develop a high-tech computerized "smart" air-pressure delivery system targeting Saddam-or, as he will come to he scornfully called behind hi hack, "Shard Butt." T HAT would wipe the mirk off his face and cause him to come running to the bargaining table! We 'd definitely want him to clean up fi t. /)ewe Barry is a nationally syndicated columnist. DIRECTING STAfF ANO DE.SK PHO E NUMBERS: Editor Glenn Halterman $86-7750 ""ocia1< Editor David Barran 58/i,77<;9 Opinion Director " nna Turpin SHl\-77:,9 Phc,,u Editr,r John Cuertler ,~li-7750 C'<>py Editor Russ.II Miller S86-77.,0 Fu u, Editor Kam, Egan SHli-1991 m Editor RrJndo n Bevan ~65 -~44.l Spon Editor Chad Lamb 865-8443 Almanac Editor Anna Turpin 865-8226 Ad Manager Kyle Cas,, 58/i-7758 Ad De,igntr Jansen Gunderson 581'\, 7758 Facuhy Advi,crs Larry Baker 581\-7751 Morris Brown 865-8556 SENIOR 'T Aff WRITER ' II. 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As soon as one of my roommates exits the room, one or two others w ill break out battering the poor girl behind her back saying stuff like, ffDid you see what she did this morning"" and "'I just can 't stand her!" ot only does this kind of stujf create bad feelings in the apartment, but I see it hurting the girl and she doesn 't even know what she's doing wrong, if o ne could call "living " wrong. And though I may not be at the butt-end of all of it right now, who knows when they're going to turn on me? I hate this/ It reminds me of junior high school/ I have asked them several times to stop talking about her like that. What more can I do? -Flashback from Mid,lle School Dear Flashhack, First of all, I want to commend you for knowing what ' s right and not joining in on your roommate ' s pettines s. Obviously , your roommates have some insecurities of their own, which is why they feel thi constant need to beliule your other roommate. You have taken a good first step hy asking them to stop talking about her like that. If they start saying bad things about her, point out her good qualitie . Comment on how nice she looked that morning or how weet he is. If this doesn 't work, simply leave the room . You can 't force your roommates to stop. The o nly thing you can do is be po itive. Al o , compliment them and treat them kindly. Maybe this will motivate them to be nicer people and stop putting others down . Make a special effort to befriend this roommate who is being mistreated. Let her know that )' OU arc: her friend D o n ' t let what your ot her roor nmatc:s arc: doing de troy her self esteem. oh·i ng thi problem won 't be: e,t!>Y but ho pdully your action~ will m:1ke .1 difference and make th<.: whull: .1partmcm happ1<.:r (,ood l.uck 1 Dear Suuzan, It's kindn( hard going to this school where it seems that every person aro und me is really talented in some way or ano ther. There are people with strong perso nalities in student goi,ernment, wondetful dancers and singers in the organized groups o n campllS and strong, quick athletes on the sports teams. It 's hard because I know I don 't measure up at all. Sometimes I feel like I'm an okay person, but when I open my eyes and see everyone around me, I feel like crap. I know I couldn 't do any of that stuff What should I qo to help myself become m ore talented so I can/it in on this campus') - Untalented Dear Untalented, It looks like your self-esteem needs a big boost! It's not that you need to "become more talented, " it's that you need to recognize your own unique talent . You'll end up "fitting in " by exhibiting your confidence in your differences. Every person born on this Earth has talents and gifts . Some are visu.rl talents as you have observed, hut there are talents that every person has that may or may not be extremely noticeable such as heing a friend, being able to understand something or imply giving smiles. You have hundreds of gifts, but the only way to see them is to look in Ide yourself and sec! No one has the comhination of gifts that you do and no one can offer this world what you can. Stop comparing your shortcomings to other people's strengths. Yo u are an inherently talented perso n with gifts that thcy·may not have, hut you need to sec it and believe it. "Ask Suuzan" is a new weekly adt•ice column. ftm ,e a ny questions fo r Suuzari, write them dot11t1 on a piece of paper and drop it in If you one of rile ·'Ask Suuzan" bo.,:es located in the j o umal /Jress room, SUUSA Office, or lobby of the main nimp11ter lab in the £1.C. I • |