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Show !MONDAY, AUGUST 30, 1999 . UNIVERSITY JOURNAL OPINION PAGE13j 59 DAVE BARRY WEST CENTER ST. 586 - 6831 COMMENTARY 0 pen: Monday through Friday 'Tae-bee' vs. 'Tae-bo' If there's one ideal that unites all Americans, it's the belief that every single one of us, regardless of ethnic background, is fat. It was not always this way. There was a time, not so long ago, when Americans did not obsess about fat. In those days, Marilyn Monroe , whom nobody ever called skinny , was a major sex goddess. By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker. Today's beauty ideal , strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip. These are genetic mutants: You can see their muscles, veins and neck bones almost bursting through their fat-free skin. I don't know who decided that the see-through look was attractive. but we normal humans are constantly exposed to the zero-fat mutants in the media, and we naturally assume that we're supposed to look like them . This is of course impossible , but we try. We diet constantly, especially young women, many of whom now start dieting while still in the womb. · And of course we spend millions of dollars on ·exercise," defined as ·activity designed to be strenuous without accomplishing anything useful." For example, we drive our cars to health clubs so we can run on treadmills. But we do NOT run to the health club, because then we would be accomplishing someth ing useful. We pedal furiously on exercise bicycles that do not go anywhere. We take elevators every chance we get, but we buy expensive machines that enable us to pretend we're climbing stairs. If you think that's ridiculous, then you haven't seen "Tae-bo." This is the current fad, advertised extensively on TV. As I understand it, Tae-bo is based on martial arts; the difference is that martial artists actually learn to defend themselves, whereas Tae-bo people throw pretend punches and kicks strictly for fitness purposes. While they're busy kicking air and checking their abdominals, an actual mugger could walk right up and whack them with a crowbar. Will this craziness ever end? Will Americans ever come to their senses and stop wasting millions of dollars on hopeless efforts to look like people who don't really look like people? I hope not, because I'm planning to cash in on this. I got my idea from a wonderful newspaper article. The article is headlined "COBBS INVENTED ODD SPORT OF BEE FIGHT ING AS FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT." It concerns the descendants of Bunn and Betty Cobb of Calhoun , Ky., who have gotten together annually for 70 years to fight wild bees for fun. The article states: "Without use of protective gear, one of the group approaches the bumble-bee hive and whacks it with a stick. When all of the now angry bees come flying out, the group of bee fighters simply fight off the bees as best they can with large clumps of maple leaves.· The article, which I am not making up, is illustrated by photos of members of the extended Bunn family . including grandparents, wildly waving branches at bees. . When I saw those photos, I knew I was looking at a gold mine. I'm talking about the Next Big Fitness Trend: "Tae-bee: I'm going to make a 30-minute TV infomercial wherein enthusiastic hired mutants · stress the benefits of bee-fighting In no time millions of Americans will be ordering the Tae-bee workout videotape. If you don't think Americans will pay good money to get stung, I have one word for you: ThighMaster. So laugh if you want: I'm going to get rich on this thing. And then I'm going to hire a personal trainer. His sole job will be to order my pizza. Dave Barry is a nationally syndicated columnist. diAID 61YUNGSH0P 588-4080 .___, 1"' llbNIJ 4'1 l . . . c.., C1rJ (c..,,--, p " ~ ~;-lf'Vn:.W'°N~~";°. •• STUDEN T SPECIAL I 1$2 OFF HAIRCUTI I OR $5 OFF PERM I I JEN OR EMILY ONLY I ..ec:-.::·::. - - - - - - - .. "No long wail .. Walk-ins & 8 - 6 Saturday 9 - 4 S~DrttWEsr rANNiN~> ~ ·-- ................. . ... · --~ ~ : - . , . ~ : P : : , ..~~·'.·~. 583 S Main Suite 2, Ce<lat City (435) 586-3366 Summer Sp~cial 5Tans for ·$15 I offer expires 9/ 30/ 99 • Film • Reprints • Enlargements • Film Processing • Drive-Thru Window • Furr-Color Wedding Annou11cements and Business Cards 1 5°/o Discount Cards are Available at the SUU Bookstore Appointments Welcomed" Family cuts • Color Perms • Waxing Nails• Tanning " We Listen to Your Requests" RJU SERVICE Mel & WMN ..... . Monaay-Friaay 9 a.m. t o 9 11.m. Saturaay 9 a.m. t o 5 11.m. Walle-ins or Appointments welcome Located within walking distance from SUU 18 N . 100 W • 586-3376 Open Monday - Saturday 9 a.m . to 6 p.m. ' I. |