OCR Text |
Show WIT AND HUMOR. As they parted: "A bus," sighed he. "Ali, men," wept sue. S. Y. Herald. Saints are not made in a day, but sinners sin-ners can be made in a moment. At chiton chi-ton (Jlobc. Tlie survival of the fittest is the doctrine doc-trine that always wins iu a dog tight. Ji nn's Horn. t The man who lias never been dissatisfied dis-satisfied can r.cvcr realize contentment. content-ment. Klmira Uazcttc. Primus "Hoes ho foot his wife's bills?" Secuudus "I've seen him kick at them." Kpoch. These courtships by telegraph may bo properly called sparks from the wires. Han Francisco Alia. When a woman goes to invest in sealskins slio soon reliy.es that $,')0 will not go fur. Boston Herald. It brings joy to tho heart of Anthony Comstock to read about a ship skirl-iug skirl-iug a bare headland. Huston Courier. In order to stand up under misfortune misfor-tune it frequently bctotne; nwimarv to stand up one's friends. 'Texas Sifting. Sift-ing. Ireland's peasants need not be so down-hearted. Adam and Eve commenced com-menced life with nil eviction. Motion Traveller. "Young Jiggers is no', wholly bad." "No, there are several styles of wickedness wick-edness ho has not heard of yet. Indianapolis Indian-apolis Journal. Ha (11:55 p. ni.) "I declare, the lamp is goiug out." She Yes; the lamp seems toliavo some idea of time." Harper's Bazar. He "I always pay as I go." She. (yawniug) "Well, how is it lhat when von are paving attention vuu never go?" A', i'. herald. She "What do you suppose has taken all the color of her cheeks?'' He "Her husband's nose, 1 should think." Munscy's Weekly. Tho most dreaded result of the Indian In-dian excitement is the revival of all Saiux-ppraniiuated jokes on that subject. sub-ject. thiuvlclpliia Times. First Literary Character "You've been stealing my ideas.'' .Second Literary Lit-erary Character "That's a'l lirlit, I couldn't sell them." Kpuch. As a rule, tho young husband is w illing ill-ing to join his wife's church, but it is his privilege to lix the political status of tne family. J) .dias Sews. "Do you belong to the church?" inquired in-quired the clergyman of the janitor. "No," replied the janitor, "tho church belongs to me.'" iV. Y. Hun. "Does the cellar leak?" "No. It's had two feet of water in it ever since I've been in the house. Not a drop has got out." Uarper't Bazar. When a man dies who never did a good thing dtiriug all his life it is the customary thing to talk of the charitable charita-ble deeds ho did iu secret. Atchison aiobe. An Irishman wrote home to his friends over the briny that in this blessed laud everybody is so honest a reward has to be offered for thieves. Mam's Horn. "Do you beJieve iu cures effected by tho laving on of hands?" "I certainly do. Thcro is nothing like spanking to make a child behave himself." Munscy's Weekly. "Why do they call the boys in the galleries the cods. Mr. Trasredicus?" "To distinguish them from the devils who sit in the orchestra chairs and write criticisms." Boston Courier. He (rapturously) "I love the very ground which is trod by your fairy feet." Slio (innocently) "Are you aware that this land does not belong to niv father?" Drake's Maanziiie.. Bingo "Dear me. I'm tired. My wife got mo up at 6 o'clock this morning." morn-ing." ' Kingley "What did she get you up so early for?" Bingo "Sli6 wanted to catch the noon train." S. Y. Sun. "Yes, I once failed for a hundred thousand," remarked the red-headed man who hadn't treated yet. "You see the girl was worth that in her own right aud refused mo." i'hiladel 'plan Times. She "The trouble is that I can never nev-er pitch my voice right." Ho "Why don't you pitch it out of the window, theu?'' "What good would that do?" "It might get the air, at least." I'hil-adflnhm I'hil-adflnhm Timrft. "What is this thing called hypnotism?" hypno-tism?" "A certain power possessed by some people of making others go to sleep." "Theu I've got a splendid antidote for it. Our new baby." TUiladelphia Times. Under the Pennsylvania "blue laws" the penalty for profanity is 67 cents per swear. Any woman who falls on a slippery sidewalk would consider that a cheap price for the privilege. Indianapolis Journal. Mr. Wiggles "The African race is wonderful for its adaptability to all climates. I knew one black as my hat who was born iu Ireland near Queens-town. Queens-town. Mr. Jiggles "Wasn't that a case of burnt Cork?" Texas Sitings. "Another suspicious circumstance is that you are under an assumed name," said the Judge. "Well, your Honor, ain't we all sovereigns in this country? And ain't it fashionable for sovereigns to travel incog.?" Harper's llazar. "I have thought of one or two clever things in my lifetime," said Willie Wishiugton, "but I didn't say them." "Why not?" "It would have been such a disappoiutment whenever 1 opened my mouth afterward." Washington Wash-ington Tost. "What fault have you to find with my 'occasional verses'?" asked the author au-thor of the unacceptable communication. communica-tion. "Sir," replied the able editor, "I find only oue fault with your occasional occa-sional verses they are not nearly occasional oc-casional enough." Vtineh. "Well, well," said a visitor at the hospital for the insane, "I am surprised sur-prised to see that man here. Housed to have a regn nr position on a comic weekly." "Yes; when he lost his place became to us and has paid his board here ever since. He says it seems homelike." Washington tost. 4 |