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Show WereOnlyThinking of ____ TheSalt Lake Tribune SUNDAY Sunday, July 6, 1997 LEAD STORIES @ California pro-prostitution organization called the National NEWS OF THE WEIRD Sexual Rights Council made a fund-raising appeal in April for its benevolent campaign to get teen-age hookers of the streets, For a $250 donation,the council's Pretty Woman Committee gives the donora T-shirt and a membership card,but for $150,000 (which it points outis the price of a White House fund-raising sleepover), Rae CHUCKSHEPHERD the seven prostitutes on the committee promise to sleep with the donor in Nevada. (Critics note that the campaign, ostensibly to save wayward children, would also result in less competition for the council's constituency.) @ In April, the London human- pitch, in which she would have to wire Sherman “advancetaxes” on 4 $130,000 sweepstakesprize, but according to the prosecutor, she continued to wire him money more than 100 times during the next 33 months, rights organization African @ Lewis Beker I, a diagnosed Rights accused two Roman Catholic nuns from the Benedictine abbey in Maredret, Belgium, of ordering dozensof frightened Tutsi refugees out of their compound in Sovu, Rwanda,into the custody of Hutu soldiers, who almost immediately killed them. According to African Rights investigators, the sisters helped the Hutuswillingly to protect their compound, One aspect of Israeli-Pales- tinian relations is running smoothly, according to a May Bos- ton Globe story: car theft. israel has the highest per-capita car theft in the world, and police say several Israeli-Palestinian cartheft rings operate almost effort- lessly, fencing cars and parts to dealers on both sides of the border, oO Advisory Neighborhood Commis- sioner. According to hospitalofficials, Ecker hurt his chances of release by secretly composing 21 sexual-sadist narratives (discovered in a search of the office he had beengiventheprivilegeof using) that featured him as the pro- 24, pleaded guilty in Norfolk, Va., in March to swindling an elderly woman out of $70,000. Not only did the womanfall for theinitial Your Welfare, Dears told the Ottawa Citizen in April that customers’ urinating around slot machines has become a severe problem. (Reluctantto leave a machine that they are certain will soon pay off, some customers urinate into the plastic coin cups supplied by the casino, some wear adult diapers into the casino, and some merely urinate on the floor beside the machines.) o TIME ON THEIR HANDS @In December, a man named Nigel from southern England paid about $128,000 at a London auction for the personalized license plate N1 GEL.” Eighty other plates brought in about $2.7 million, A month before that in London, the much less wealthy Dave Parker spent about $40 to have a plate matching his name: He paid a filing fee to change his namele- rain/you can hear prostates grow- nel and disclosed by a company to call for help has resulted instead in manycalls from players desperatefor helpin selecting the winning numbers. And operatorsof the Casino Niagara in Niagara Falls, Ontario, that a majority believe in mir- acles, although the Star pointed out that some respondents’ stan- dards are lower than others, as in one man's example of a miracle he had witnessed: “I went to someone's house and got a good deal on a powertoolthat I wanted for a long time.” Oo WELL-PUT @ Patricia Walsh, Carmel, Calif., defending in May her deci- executive in April, one in five viewers watches the channel for at least three hours at sitting. The company calls these people “weather-involved.” And Andrew Thomas, 27, ap- parently healthy except for depression at being laid off four yearsearlierat his job in Glamor- BILL HALL to timeto visit the old country, the place our genesoncecalled home. Wesaw a variation on that the other day when the Nez Perce Indians went home — hometo here, notorious for longing to go don’t wantto live there. But they do yearn to feel that soil between Sometimesthe place your genes camefromis a mixed bag,It is one and to get in a ceremonial brawl Denmark of your forebears, But realism prevents your wanting to stay there. It never stops raining in Ireland, and somethingis frozen in Denmark. If I wantto live their toes, to breathethatair and, in keeping with Irish tradition, to get drunk with distant relatives or two. Ihavefelt a similar pull toward Ireland and England and Denmark, among myother parts. It’s something like being adopted. Though you love the only parents you've ever known and wantto remain in the bosom ofthat family, thereisstill an urge toward contact with birth parents.It's part of whatyou are. You want to know more, So Americans are inclined to visit an Ireland — butnot to move there. A few awkward days amongdistantrelatives in a place you have neverlived is charming but not the same asthis, your real home. thing to tour the Ireland or the my life in a shower or a freezer, I'll move to Oregon or North Dakota. AndNorth Dakota is also where my genes came from. That's where my parents were born and wheretheylived before they finally thawed out onerare summer and quickly moved to Idaho. But I am also part English, and I did spend a couple of days in London one time people watching. It was humiliating. I saw people everywhere who looked just like me and myrelatives. But as an outsider,I also had the per- want to know how I can makeit easier for my husband, my family and my co-workers," You said you had no advice on how to make it easier, Youtold her the pain she will inflict on goes away, holes and whether time has a beginning, filed a copyright-inPenrosesaid copied a pattern he created (a pattern demonstrating that “a nonrepeating pattern could exist in nature”) for its Kleenex quilted toilet paper. Penrose said he doesn’t like litigation, but “Whenit comes to the popula- tion of Great Britain being invited by a multinational to wipe their bottoms on what appearsto be the work of a Knight of the Realm, then a last stand must be taken.” Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 8306, St. Petersburg, FL 33738, or weird@compuserve.com, You were so right, Ann. Myfather committedsuicide when I was 11, Five yearslater, my brother did the same — with his police revolver. He killed not only himself but his wife and their two young sons. None of this made sense to any- one who knew him. Now, 30 years later, it still doesn't make any sense. Suicide is a horribly selfish act, It may be a “solution” to the personwhodoesit, butit's a terrible thing to do to your family. Pleasespell it out to your readers one more time. — DalyCity, Calif. Dear Calif.: Your letter “spelled it out’ far better than I could. Keep reading for further validation of what you have writ- ten. From Lenexa, Kan.: My 17- much he would be missed? We thought he knew, but apparently we were wrong. His death left dozens of unanswered questions, and we shall never know whyhe And if you and I feel that way, still not over it. My saint of a hus- those places for good reason.I'd rather go to some warm and sunny land with a lot of hot-looking people than to some lumpyplace my ugly family came from. Evenherein this valley, people are, on the average, better-looking than the people in London or at a Hall family reunion.I’d rather go someplace whereI can give my sore eyes a rest. On the other hand,| did fly over Ireland onetime.In truth,it was the greenest place I have ever seen. AndI did feel a bit of longing, a kinship with the place. There was something down there reaching toward myheartstrings. Realistically, home is a “here” to most people, and I am no ex- ception. It doesn’t matter much where someold goat from whom I am descended was born. live in the here and now — and gladly, too. But from time to time, some other place, some astonishingly green place, beckons. If a heart green, imagine what it has beenlikeall the Nez Perce. Their missing did it. Bucyrus, Ohio: When I was 16, my father shot himself. | am bandsays I have been depressed for most of our marriedlife. I have had psychiatric care and Col. Stanley J. Gordon, Salt Lake City, has assumed command of ist Corps Artillery, Utah National Guard, replacing Col. How- America First are William G, Melville, Park City, received the Muscular Dystrophy Association's 1997 Personal Achievement Award for Utah. ‘The national award series recognizes the accomplishments and community service of people with disabilities caused by a neuro: muscular disease in MDA's program. Melville was selected for his professional and volunteer achievements and contributions, Carolyn Birch, Kearns Club, was elected Utah Lions Governor of District 28-U, the northern half of Utah. Vice District Governoris Albert Woodmansee, South Salt Lake Lions Club, and Cabinet Secretary is Elwyn Hess, Kearns Club. Elected District Governor for 28-T, southern half, was Don Stucker, Cedar City. The Lions Humanitarian Award was presented to Mary Goodwin, Fairview. Goodwin is ident of the Utah Food Bank in Mount Pleasant Blake Daniels, a counselor at Central Davis id High, Davis County School ict, was hon: red as Utah's Junior High School try. They are free. If that woman or anyone else who reads this let- ter doesn't want to use the hot line, they can call ME collect, Here's my phone number. DearFriend:I am notprinting your phone number, but you are Information is also available by a_ self-addressed, stamped envelope to: American Association of Suicidology, 4201 Connecticut Ave. N.W., Suite 310, Washington, DC 20008. (Internet address: www.cyberpsych.org) I pray that anyone who is considering ending his or herlife will contact this organization, Tomorrow will be better. The fog will lift. The sun will shine, and you will be glad you're around to see it. Trust me. Write to Ann Landers c/o Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. were dragged out of the home where they longed to remain. So who amongus with an Irish heart or any other could not be moved at the news that, for the first time in 120 years, the Nez Perce own landagain in the Wal- lowa country of Oregon — their ancestral home? Who could not be touchedthatafterall this time, they have bundled uptheir genes and taken their empty hearts back to their old country to breathe thatair, to taste that water,to see and savor that motherland of green? Bill Hall is the editorial-page editor of the Lewiston (Idaho) Tribune, a Salt Lake Tribune group newspaper, 7 mashed potatoes 8) condensed milk (not evaporated, skim, lowfat or homogenized - ask our typesetter) commissioned from the University of Utah ROTC in 1967 andis a Vietnam veteran. suicidehot linesall over the coun- leave gladly for a new place. They 6) whipped cream ard Baysinger Jr. Gordon was If she really cared for her family, they called home. They didn't 5) tossed (or mixed) salad sponsoring ing to kill herself was a hypocrite. she would spare them the agony and pain they will suffer when they learn of her death. There are been not an ocean away, but just 2) grated cheese 3) shredded wheat 4) ground beef Daniels at the American School Counselors Association Conference in Nashville, Tenn. clouds everything, It's a terrible thingtodo to those wholove you — the ultimateactofselfishness. Rohnert Park, Calif: The woman whotold you she was go- forced to emigrate from the place Puzzle solutions 1) scrambled eggs counselorof the year. The Utah School Counselors Association, Sylvan Learning and havec to know why we married the men we did, Suicide place, their Ireland, has always Mr. & Mrs. Taylor McFarlane—Taylor Dr, and Mrs, David W. Hoeppner of Salt Lake City are pleasedto announce Newsof Honors and Awardsfor Utahns marriages. Through therapy, we over there in green Oregon. It has been 120 years since they were the marriage of their daughter, Amy TAKE A BOW fromschool and found myfather, who had just killed himself. My sisters and | are all in loveless sending now 77, an RN and married to a wonderful physician, and I am these decades for our neighbors seven years ago, | came home ed. Mylife will never be the same. How could he not have known how much we loved him and how go taste that water, go see that Idaho is not quite the perfectfit. beg of that person who wrote, GET HELP NOW. No Name, No State: Thirty generousto offer it. There is no nationalsuicide hotline, unfortunately, but telephone books shouldlist local suicide hotlines. Mother's Day. Heleft a Mother's Day presentwith a loving card but no hint of why he decided to do whathedid. I am totally devastat- The whole experience cured me was made to hold an Ireland, an have been on medication for years, If | hadn't reached out for help, | would not be here today. 1 year-old son committed suicide on Andperhaps weare not whole until we go breathethatoriginalair, great yearning to see the places my people came from. They left “home”to a place they have neverlived —tovisit the landof their great-great-grandparents. They DearAnn: Theletter from the woman contemplating suicide touched my very soul. She wrote, “Don't try to talk me out of it Ann, My mind is made up. 1 just those who would beleft to mourn will be excruciating, andit never fringement lawsuit against the Kimberly-Clark Corp., which ANN LANDERS opening the subject: spective to notice whatan ugly lot they were. I have never seen so many lumpy, misshapen faces and bodies in mylife. of any romanticism about my roots. And it cured me of any to this country, to the part of it that had been missing for them. Irish Americans are especially Dear Readers: Ever since “Somewherein California” wrote to say she intendedto kill herself, Thave been inundated withletters from people begging me to discourage suicide. Because the mail has been so compelling, I am re- Douglas MacArthur: “I'm an old lady, and I can amuse myself do- Oh, to Breathe the Air of My Native Ireland Most ofus feel drawn from time Reconsider Suicide Plan sion to spend $6,000 to dress up a rock she found to look like Gen such topics as relativity, black lem Gambling told The New York Timesin Maythatprinting its 800 telephone numberonlottery tick- Star in December,it was revealed physician Ron Charach recently had one of his poemsselected to ing.” MTV Mania: According to research commissioned by the Weather Channel cable TV chan- tagonist who humiliated and in- commissioned by Global Television and reported by the 7oronto ing whateverI like.” @ In April, Sir Roger Penrose,a British math professor who has worked with Stephen Hawking on be published in the prestigious British medical journal The Lancet. The title of the poem is the sameas the last two wordsin this passage; “In silence after heavy Readers Urge Writer to gan, Wales, died in April of natural causesin front of the TV set he had watched almost constantly since then. @ In a poll of Ontario residents rentlicense plate, @ The Toronto Globe and Mail reported in February that local gally to (Mr.) C 539 FUG, his cur- jured female victims. ® The executive directorof the New York State Council on Prob- ets in case gambling addicts need CAN'T STOP MYSELF @Todd Jacob Sherman, sexualsadist, was turned down in his release bid from St. Elizabeth’s Hospital in Washington, D.C., in December even though he has made considerable improvement during his stay, winning elective office in D.C. in 1990 (and being re-elected twice since) as an J5 9) diced carrots 10) stuffed peppers m sliced bread KIN IA m0 (OWMumialh |ile Mitwie eins {iJ lm[MMM ]A(O1U Ts[RIM[e[ [Cle PTIN[EUIeleinje/PclAIWie/ Teale ly in] [RO )WitMM E|V iE tle) (e)R/ojw]e 210), Qc ASNRAAIN(O SOMMER TR CTEM Ys \UOTElOMMALUTTINy ( BILTELATR) Pelu ERO OOGOOOGOMC Lejala li in) fe clwie lwie) 13] peli IrInte in Melaloloty t] mals|(610 Pal? es ie e jojetils .) (Ala[TiFe iaela la) [0] i (CLOT MRF a iwlo leis leit ja uJOltialT iM i) (Rieti ley GGG GGOO OOO i (OUNTETS MMATolo ls MieFio/n] fayIBIAlY) Joey & Derek Ratliff—Peacock Noel and Glenda Peacock are pleased to announcethe engagementof their son, k to Joey Ratliff, daughter of Don McFarlane to Mr, Ryan J Taylor, son of Ratliff, Madras, Oregon, and Diane Rat Mr. and Mrs. Jerald M, Taylor of Salt iff, Corvallis, Oregon. LakeCity and Mr, and Mrs. Gary A. Cole: Joey is a 19%) graduate of Madras manof Whippany, NJ High School and 1996graduate of Ore: ‘The wedding took place at the Snow gonState with @ degree in hor Park Lodgeat Deer Valley on Saturday, ticulture, University Currently she is working as June28th, 1997. Theceremonywas per graduate researchassistant inviticulture formed by Reverend Ronald A. Hodges Derek is a 1986graduate of Jud of Christ United Methodist Church and morial Catholic High Schoo! was followed by a reception. graduate of Humboldt St Thebride and groom met while attend: ing the University of Utah. Amy graduat Arcata, California, with a n gener al biology. He also graduated from Ore works for Taylor Electric as anestimator andproject mang planned at Adair Vithage in Corvallis. with a Master’s degree in Mechanical gonState University in 1995with mas Engineering in 1996and currently works ters degree in horticulture. He currently for TexSEM Laboratories, Incorporated works as a research assistant on berry Ryangraduated with a Bachelor's degree crop breeding in Electrical Engineering in 1994 and An August 31, 1997 wedding is The couple Gebonimooting in Alas. ka on a backpacking and rafting trip. They will live inSalt Lake City on their retum, See The Real Puzzle, crossword and Brain Numb-ers on J-2 ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME? CALL FOR A FREE CONSULTATION V, MEDICAL SERVICES ‘& WEIGHT MANAGEMENT South Suite B Loretta & Bryan Neh Roy, are pleased to announce the mar Frances Nehls and Arthur Nehls of riage of their daughter, Loretta Annto Tina & Tracy Wells—Brooks Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Wells are pleased to announce the mariage of their daughter, Tina Wells to Tracy Brooks, son of Mr and Mini Stephen Brooks They are to be married Friday, July 11 BryanFrederick Duberow, son of Rebec ca and Frederick Duberow of Salt Lake. ‘The Nuptial was celebrated Sat urday, July 5, 1997 in St. Ambrose Cath. colle Church, A celebration in thelr honor 1997 ot Hertage Gardena. A reception will be held in thelr honor following the ceremony University of Utah, honeymoon followed at the Salt Lake Country Chib The couple are graduates of Alta High, Loretta and Bryanare both graduates where they met and will reside in Salt of Judge Memorial High Schoo! and the Lake Oy, Utah following thetr tropical |