| Show Confessions of a schmaltz addict Michelle Brown Contributing Writer I have been victimized and I dont don't like it I have been invaded in myown myown my myown own home and it isn't fair What's worse is that I continue to let it happen happen happen hap hap- pen over and over again I dont don't un un- un- un I guess I have to admit that I am addicted to schmaltzy television commercials Advertising has captured captured captured cap cap- another willing victim Schmaltz is Yiddish for rendered fat but the more modern meaning is excessive sentimentality I dont don't know what rendered fat has to do with television but I do know commercials commercials commercials com com- have become very tal Advertisers like to make me cry over laundry detergent Just as the Yiddish have a way with words advertisers advertisers advertisers ad ad- have a way with commer commer- daIs dals I dont don't have time to watch a complete complete complete com com- television program so I watch commercials Commercials are fast paced and tell me all I need to know knowin in sixty seconds or less From commercials commercials commercials com com- I have learned that on my myson's myson's myson's sons son's wedding day I must wake him up with the smell of Folgers Folger's coffee It Itis Itis Itis is also important to know that childbirth is a better experience when done under a General Electric spot spot- light I would be lost without the wealth of knowledge I get from schmaltzy commercials I feel obligated to reminisce over my favorite commercials I love the McDonalds commercial where the senior citizens meet and fall in love over a drippy Big Mac Bonding with witha a newborn has special meaning when the child is wearing leak proof leak proof Hug- Hug gies I be become ome weepy every time the bride and her mother share a good cry over the Johnsons Johnson's baby powder Puppy food commercials a are e the best Cute little furry puppies falling all over each other on the way to the food dish is almost too precious to handle Will the daughter become a doctor or ballerina I always stop dead in my tracks for this commercial I love to have a good cry watching the fantasies of a brand new father I dont don't know why I am addicted to these short melodramatic stories Im I'm Ima a fairly intelligent person with a mind of my own but I turn into a total fool when I see schmaltzy commercials Ive I've gotten so bad that I watch commercials commercials commercials com com- secretly I have to hide my eyes and pretend that Im I'm above such sappiness My kids groan with embarrassment embarrassment embarrassment embar embar- when I sniffle over the cough suppressant c commercial where the mom is too sick to get out of bed Im I'm even surprised with my own tears as I witness the close relationships in the feminine hygiene commercials In spite of all the great information I get from schmaltzy commercials some of them even make me a little crazy Cat food commercials are the absolute worst Cats are okay but what they eat is not a major concern in my life Watching a fat old man caress an even fatter cat makes me a little ill Then there are those other commercials com com- that bore me to death Time-Life Time commercials give new meaning to the word torture n They are extraordinarily long and insult my good taste by leading me on with expectations expectations expectations ex ex- of an incredibly tacky gift whereas the Enquirer had everything my inquiring mind wants to know I Ican Ican Ican can learn juicy tid-bits tid about famous people I can become acquainted with the worlds world's newest alien and learn how to lose ten pounds in one day All AllI I can learn from Time Life is stuffy opinions on war the horrors of living in Washington DC D.C. and accounts of the days when the streets were filled with mud and manure Ill I'll take schmaltzy commercials over boredom any day Schmaltzy commercials are the bone back-bone of society Without them I would be a amere amere amere mere shell of myself Maybe I should come out of the closet and announce announce to the world how much I enjoy schmaltzy commercials On the Other ther hand maybe I should remain silent and keep the fun to myself |
