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Show WE CARRY GAY More Pain Than Anything There is probably no area of personal interaction in gay life that causes more emotional pain or trouble than the relationships between our parents and ourselves. BOOKS FOR MEN. AND WOMEN 1 260 EAST 4TH SOUTH SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH 84102- - (801 ) 582-732- 3 . , From the time many of us first realize the direction of our sexual identity, we fight against the thought that some day our parents will find out. We are often afraid that the knowledge will prove to be such, a disappointment to them that we will be faced with an irreparable (roach; for that reason alone, we are unable to deal honestly with the situation. From earliest recollections, we have been presented with a set of conduct expectations: females will find husbands, males will find wives, and we will validate our parents existence by providing grandchildren. We put ourselves into the trap of believing that we can be happy if we live up to these expectations. MOre important, we believe we have an obligation to live our lives as they fell we should. Unless we are extremely lucky, we are also faced with the imposition of generational and value controls tht cause a communications gap to exist Add an overlay of sexual by our parents standards, and the barriers go up. Our parents tend to want what is best for us.' The problem comes when an attempt is made to define what is best for us. Is it from our view and standards or is it a projection of what our parents might have wanted for themselves and perhaps never . quite achieved? This value set becomes quite evident to me when Ive been invited to meet with parents of gay people. So often, the question period starts with things like, What did I do wrong? We did the best we could, but we made a mistake and weve created this bent person. How can we cure our child? How can we make him see he is on the wrong path? What will our friends and relatives say when they find out? What has to be dealt with is that parental expectation is set The type of questions raised in these meetings has shown me that initially the parent is far more concerned with the external non-conformit- y, Excelling in Cutting 161 Tfolby Square by Appointment 363-71- 42 effect of the childs disclosure than FASHION CUTS HAIR PIECES PERMANENT WAVE 355-690- SALON OF BARBERING AND HAIRSTYLING 2 OR 355-554- 1 with dealing openly with the fact that at long last the child has removed a barrier to communications. The first thing parents have to recognize is that they have lived their lives as they deemed best. If they were to be internally honest, they would have to admit that many, of their values are quite different from those of their parents and. that they had to. fight with their parents about ideals and goal projections. It seems that with the passage of time, attitudes tend to ! harden and the liberality of youth has been replaced by "We are your parents and we know what is best for you. The projection from the parents is: Let us instruct you in the methods and means of avoiding errors. Be the child; we have been there and you should profit by our mistakes. Far too often, parents tend to forget that they, in their youth, also demanded the right to grown in their own way, at their own speed, and in the direction that they felt was right for them. From time immemorial, children have had to deal with the parental need to assure that their children will have a better, richer life. Reality tells us that our parents have lived their lives, made their mistakes and experienced growth .and accepted responsibility in a way th it was ' appropriate , to tern at the time. They certainly protested when their lives were laid out and programmed for them, just as many of us pro- test today. "The first thing parents have to recognize is that they have lived their lives as they deemed m best HBBBHBNBBBMBBi The parents ot a gay person have an even more difficult adjustment to make. Many of their value projections will not come to fruition, and others will have to be amended in the light of hew information. But other areas are capable of even greater fulfillment. The starting of a process of understanding comes from a searching, deep look into the parents own hearts, souls and minds; a recognition of what expectations are, in fact, projections of their own unfulfilled dreams for themselves. How many of these ex- pectations are their own fantasy of what life should be? With parents willing to explore the acceptance of their childs sexual identity, they can move on and hopefully recognize that their child has become more complete in the parent-chilrelationship. There is a new honestly possible, and from this honesty can come a real recognition of the needs of both parents and children. The ideal end result will be a recognition that the gay, as well as the non-gachild must seek his or her own identiy and accept the ultimate responsibility for being ones own person. If this can be understood, then the parents can recognize their own image projections and deal with them. This recognition is not something that most parents can realize. They need help, and the best help can come from other parents of gay people. d y, 346 E 2ND S; Albertsons Shopping Center (Ample Free Parking) mh . ' ... : |