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Show IN THE 01)1 QUEER AND CURIOUS THINGS EVENTS. DIDNT WAT ANY STALE. imti.Ikm . E iii' lon. From tlin Pittsburg Gazette: "What do you think or the theory that food ha a potent iiiHutnce in determining asked Mr. Smilhfleld, a character? he put three liimpa ot sugar in hla coffee. I gucMi it ail ilht, replied Mr. Wood as he sever'd a portion of hi "It alwaya seems a little beefsteak. cannibalistic to me when you order Inkster." "Well, retorted Mr. 3inithficld, good huinoreilly, "1 ought to have known 11 was duio'eiuiiti to lend you money aftet I disciiv.ncl v . ,11 r fciiliiess for beet a Hot. sellout lv, It the.c wrie anything in the theory, v.na'iJn't it make a mao to eat IllUltoO?" It wouhl. and prize fighters ought to themselves to a diet ot units." A innicuU Task. ltlummer That rook was tlie worst thing I ever had in my Mrs. vim bouse. Von ltlummer Yea, you acted aa If you didnt like her. 1 couldn't help It Why, It waa all I could do to write her out a good recLife. ommendation. Young Housekeeper Have you some fine aalt? Grocer Yes, ma'am. Young Housekeeper la It fresh? When an optimist breaks his leg ha rejoices that it Isn't his neck. CASTING A REFLECTICN. THE ONLY ONE THEKF. In the office of a Justice of the peace n Memphla a white man waa being tried a few days ago for assault and battery. A small negro, the man's hired boy, waa on tha witness stand testifying for the defendant "Tell the court boy, all you know of this affair," said the squire. "Well, Judge, you see hit wus dls away. Dat man dera, Indicating the plaintiff, wus In my boss's office t'other day and dey kummenced quailin' over aumthln' ernotber, en dat man he rip out en call my boas en ole scoundel! bal-head- "Are you sure," asked the J. P.. "that tha man was addressing your employer? Waa there no one else in the room?" Yee. Jedge, dere wus oiler folks dare 'aides us. but I knows my boss scoundel In wus da only baI-bead- fia office. Kinm0(L Attttfmobllliijf From the Urooklyn Kagle: "How la your automomany horse-powbile?" Inquired the man lu the dog er cart "Ten horse and two men, responded the owner. The power runs ft on the level roads, and my chauffeur and I get out and push it up the hills. . I never have any 1'va only to alng right off to seep. a knowing child! i -- y v Husband Who was It that said Man la a little lower than the angels?" Wife It was evidently some one with a very poor opinion oi angels. HER IDEA. t TI1K VICTOR. A year ago 1 held a maidens hand; Twas white and allm and delicately planned; She gave me a red rosp; last night I saw Her at the altar with another stand. m He looked at mo as victors look at those Who lie defeated, uleeding from their blows She held a bunch of flowers In her hand. But on her breast waa fastened a rad rose. . nights sf Fancy. Children," said the teacher, while Instructing the class In composition, you should not attempt any flights of fancy, but simply be yourselves, tfnd write what la In you. Do not Imitate any other person's writings or draw from outalde Inspiration sources." As a result of this advice Johnny Vise turned In the following composi- tion: We should not attempt any flltes of fancy, but rite what la In us. In ine there la my stunimiek, lungs, hart, liver, two apples, one piece of pie, one stick of lemon candy and my dinner." The Meot'a Reply. A young man. contemplating A IIonIoh matri- monial felicity, took his fair intended to the home of hla parents that aha might be Introduced to tho old folks. "This is my future wife," said the s, young man proudly, turning to who was a canny Scot. Now, father, tell me candidly, what you think ot her." The old man eyed the blushing bride-elcritically fur fully two minutes, then answered, with deliberation: Well, John, I ean only p ajr yon have shown much better taste than she He Politicians frequently spend the whole night playing poker. She Maybe that accounts for the deals we read ao much about. MUroiitriaL pater-fumtlla- 1)1 blo Hint Her Father Well, sir, what can 1 do Mother "Waldo, 1 regret to say that I must spank you." for you? Waldo "It would he inadvisable, Her Lover I rr called to see If you er would give assent to my mother. Medical authorities are agreed in the upon the danger of coiim-siiniarrlii!:i' to your daughter." of tta base of the sp'.nc." Her Father Not a cent, sir; not a nrighborlw-.ultostun Transcript. cent. Good day! m l i has." KfMfton for Sorrows piuurt Hl CIioU'iw Charles "This Is ti rrible. drab hoy. Teddy I wislnd I hadn't licked I really believe this sausage U made of Jimmy llrown this morning. Mamma my dear. You sec now how wrong It waa. Mrs. Snaggn - Is there anything odd common dog meat." don't It yon. dear? s Hn "nah Jove. Teddy Yea, cause about (hat? Reginald If they must use dog meat they I didn't know till noon that he waa Mr. Snnggs Yes. In the spring It should limit it to French poodles." going to give a party. London Tlt-- I was the trees that were leaving. its. Cans Mr. Snaggs - AN MCENTHIC MAN. Tha (ieographlral Nnniva of Rhoda Jalaud I'aa Nut lla Muddled with l.jr Tournadre, about the most eccentric Struuger with Impunity, for They man that ever lived, died in Paris recently. One uay he would preach the Aro Toufuc-Tangie- r. wildest anarchy and the next he would be busy with huge practical jokes. Illio: IN A DREAM. of the prccui I beard thy voice In a dream last Bertrand, Paris, was at Vichy on one occasion Light and Tournadre, who was without a An echo from far away; sou, asked hi in for 5 louis. The sheer I saw thy face in a fleeting light audacity of a beggar be had never seen As caught from gome upper day; before took away Bertrand's breath, But the aspen leaves, aloue, alone, and he gave Tournadre a handsome Gav- soft aeoltun sign; sum. Tournadre rushed back to his Thou ha i'et come hack to me, my own, hotel and demanded his hill, declarAfar from the Life Divine. ing that he would never stop in a house where anarchists were harFor the joy I know there was no name bored. The hotel keeper was bewilWhen ihe vc.ice of the dream I hoard. dered. "Yes, said the farceur, "that And a lull ill all cuilh''s spaces came dangerous anarchist, Tournadre, 1s As Wdiilrg a wondruu word. u'ui r the name of Berhere. The cry of the In art at last '.vas still. trand."Bto;i'l!:g The scene wi.en tho estimable Ihrilbd t.v ihy presence there. .ieral arrived and was And go'den i;i"!noi ie w.ike at will thrown out of the hotel c.;in well bo To livs In the lapt.iml air. imagined. On e not her occasion Tournadre hired a diligence alxjut 10(1 And the world alone, all music's own, years old and wus driven to the acadAnsweicd the silent years emy by the laiU'iiu Maxi me Llsbonne. The song of the spheres was in the Both of them persisted in entering the tone. and congratulating the imecademy As the Iris light In team; mortal forty on having elected them as For the meaning of that mystic word. members. When he had nothing else Like a cadence from afar, to do he would ring up senators, depI listened long aa the aspens stirred uties and officers and order them to In the dusk of the midnight star. immediately repair to the Elysee, as the President of France wished to see I vigils keep, awake or asleep. them. Then from a local wine shop On the border fields untrod he would chaff one after another as Where art thou. Love, when the waves they left, crestfallen. are deep And sweep from the shores of God THE APES OP GI1IRALTAR. I heard thy voice in a dream : last It Is perhaps not universally known night. that Gibraltar, the fortified rock and Soft as an echoing chime, like a bird's swift flight from the British stronghold commanding the and entrance to the Mediterranean, fields of light thus tha maritime route to the far To the lonely ways of time! east, is the only spot in Europe where Laura F. Hinsdale. wild apes are still to be found. A Philadelphia BAT 11 A II-correspondent of the AH TO A HORSE. The latent thing proposed In the way Record, who recently spent some days of a universal language la a "horse-talk- " in Gibraltar, writes as follows: One Invented by a celebrated veter- morning it was In the beginning of inary doctor. He argues that the horse September I took a horse and rode up la a cosmopolitan animal, possessing a to the signal station. At a height of considerable degree of Intelligence, but about 900 feet I first noticed a herd of some fifteen apes, and after having of necessarily limited conversational and linguistic powers. A horse may reached a height of a little over be well trained to obey its master by 1,100 feet I saw several small herds of word of command, without the use ot from ten to twelve. They all seemed either whip or spur; but if It changes to be very tame and Inoffensive. Howmasters, especially If the new master ever, when I returned to my hotel, I was told by a Highlander officer that Is of another nationality, there la trouble; for ihe horse cannot understand my experience was not the rule. The what Is said to it He does not un- English geologist, P. L. Sklater, spent derstand the language and so does not a few weeks In Gibraltar in September, know what to do when spoken to. The 1900, for the sole purpose of collecting veterinarian recommends that the definite Information as to the number owners of horses In all countries of apes still in existence on the rock, and he found their number to be In should agree upon a universal language to be used In conversation with the neighborhood of ISO. One evening, rorfevt He suggests a simple vocabul- when Mr. Sklater descended with hla horse Volapuk, consisting dog, a sWarm of apes awaited him ary of four syllables, used singly or In about 200 feet above the Alameda, and These are "he, repetition. ho, aa soon as he approached the animals He" means to opened a furious bombardment "hay and hah." of move forward at a walk and he-h- e stones upon him and . hla dog, by to trot. Hah" should be used to make which the latter was Instantly killed. the horse turn to the right and con- Mr. Sklater escaped only with difftinue In its forward movement, and iculty. "hah-ha- h should cause the horse to turn to the right without continuing EASY FOR RHODE ISLANDERS. its forward movement Hay" and Rhode Island Is a prosperous little "hay-ha- y should Indicate to the horse state, wealthy, progressive and full of that he is to turn to the left In a sim- business; but its names ilar manner. Ho" means to atop and cannot be meddled geographical with by the strang"ho-h- o to back. The Inventor of er with Impunity, for they are as fearthis language believes that If horses some aa those of Maine. Among Its all over the world from the time they riven are the Pawtucket, Pawtuxet, were broken were accustomed to hearPawcatuck, Woonasquatucket, Moshas-suc- k, ing and obeying these terms It would k, Vsquepaug, Moswanslcut, ave much trouble to owners and drivChepatchet, Ponaganaet, Seacon-ners, and the horse himself would be and KlckamuiL Among the points saved many an application of the whip of land projecting Into Narraganaett and spur which now It bestowed upBay are Potawomut, Popasquaah, on him. Simply because he does not Sachuaet, Qounset, Nayatt, know what la expected of him he gets Chippewanoxett and Seaconlguonset. so he doesn't care and tries to do aa he The beautiful little lakes scattered likes. A somewhat similar universal through the state bear such melliflunow for la dogs language engaging the ous names aa Weateonnaug, Mlshnnrk, attention of dog fanciers and would he Watchaug, Petequaniscut, Quonochon-taug, a useful thing. When we say "good Pawawget, Yawcoog, Wlnchech doggie" to our neighbors doubtful and Paaqulaet. Then there are such bulldog, we want to be sure that we sweetly named localities as Kaasauket, are understood aa offering a concilia- Occupasnetnxet, Neutaconkanet, Pettl-constory remark. New York Presa. Socconos8et, Escoheag, Conanl-cu- t, Cowesett, Apponaug and Nanequa-k- et THIN, rOIJTE CHICAGO MEN. Appalling aa these names appear "In a Windytown street car, one In print, the native Rhode Islander can day last week," says a New Yorker say them right off quick, like that," who has just returned from Chicago. without slopping to think, which shows "I aaw something that was a little dif- that the natives are great people. ferent from anything 1 ever aaw any- New York Press. where else In a street car before. It waa pretty well crowded, this car. ana liovr AGED SQUAWS DIE, among the people standing up in It The attention of the United States was a stout lady, a right down big wogovernment has Just been called to a man, she was, and no mistake, weigh- barbarous custom that la still being ing. I should think, anywhere from 200 practiced among the Kiowa, Comanche 300 to pounds. Right there by her, and Apache Indiana In Oklahoma Teron one side of the car, sat, side The Indians of these three three of the thinnest men I ever ritory. while living under the managetribes, saw; It seemed a wonder that there ment of an Indian agent, are comparacould be In the world throe men ao civilized and do not go on the tively thin, and nothing less than marvelous but work for their living at that these three men could have been warpath, But they have no love In farming. toto side sit by side brought there for one of their own peohearts their gether right opposite the stout lady. ple after that perron has passed his and one were; there But presently they or her age of usefulness. An aged of these men got up and offered the squaw, after she reaches the age of 80 lady hla scat. She thanked him grace- years, is sent into the fields and left as was graceful in hearing there to fully she die, unless some sympathetic as she was stout In form hut declined white romc3 along and sends perMiii else of those standthe seat. Nobody old woman to the Indian the poor Presently another ing nenr took it. agency, where she may he taken care one of those thin men got up. and he of at the expense of the offered her his seat, which also she de- Travelers in the reservationgovernment inuy hear clined, and which the thin mnn did not the cries of some deserted dlstrtssing now stood up resume, lie along side woman at almost nny time they care of Thin Man No. 1. and uulKKly else to listen. Tribune. Chicago a In moment seat. the Ills third took thin man rose up and politely p ofSmoking on III March. fered his seat. The stout lady thanked Experiments have been made in tha him aa she had the others: and now she sat down. She just filled the spare 8wlo army on the effect of smoking previously occupied by the three. And cu (he inarch. The results were is fathen those three men. who had never vor of the troops that were allowed to met before In their lives, stood there have their pipes, and, moreover, their and looked at one mother and smiled. discipline was better. cur-gener- al f4he se Mrs. Gulnnlvolre trouble with baby. to him and he goes Mrs. Fhasrr What and other parnear, who had witnessed tll!:s of this little episode, ami: j. while the lady, AND with quiet cciii.puaure, began to read a newspaper." New Yo. . F m. of tha Divorce. The leaves are leaving out-rag- e! Two View of It. Quit I.ltfril Mrs. B. Don't you think s woman What have you got that sign, 'Hands Off,' posted outside your works ought to keep tab on her husband?" Mrs. C. Sfoaie women, perhaps; but for?" asked the curious Individual. "Because," returned the jocular mill r never mend my husband's shirts." owner, my men arc on strike." Philadelphia Bulletin. Natural Query. Mill Owne- r- My business runs like clockwork. Walking Delegate With a strike every now and then. See-kon- et Con-lmlc- et, Ileau irul lllu Ilannli. Austrian poets who are fond of singing the praises cf its beautiful blue Danube were recently very much surprised and disappointed to hear of the sciInvestigation of a certain German river the big watched entist. This mail for a whole year, giving to liia studies an hour every morning. The result of these observations was that ha found the water to he brown 11 limes; yellow 46. dark green 19. light green 45, grass green 25, greenish gray 69, other shades of green 1 10. and that It never had anything like the hue with which It la credited ty the hards. for . rlpt. Among the manuscripts in the Paris national library there are not a few which were presented on condition that they should not be made public until a given number or years had elapsed; among them are letters of Alfred da Musset, the memoirs of Laraveillere-Lcpau- x, and various d- cuments by Thiers and Henan, which are to be opened in 19M. The latest accession ot the kind are four packac;as containing the correspondence of Jules and Edmond ile Cloucourt, from 1851 to 1SD6, and seven packages comprising their journals during the Eame period. These are to remain sealed till 1916. Time-Limitati- Mark Twain' Drawl. Captain Horace E. Bixby, who taught Msrk Twain how to pilot boats down the Mississippi, said the other day that the most obvious peculiarity of young Clements was the drawling way What makes you In which he spoke. pull your words so? the captain askYoull have to ed him on one trip. shs ask my ma," was the answer; always pulls them the same way." . New York World. Tb Whit Ilona Hatty. Every American woman . and moat of the men will desire to possess a portrait of the White House baby. All babies are precious to every right minded person; and the White House baby, alert, smiling and in his mother's lap, will win the hearts of all beThe picture, holder at first glance. which ia the frontispiece of the December number of the National, ia a handsome, full page half tone engravPersona ing, suitable for framing. who wish to obtain a copy of the magazine containing this picture should The send ten cents In stamps to National Magazine, 41 West First street, Boston, Mass. Helping Prodigal to Save. Trust companies and life insurance companies are looking about for new devices that will assist the prodigal sons of civilisation In the saving of money. Small banka are now left at your house In which you are asked to drop your spare change. Once a month or oftener the company, which keeps the key, sends a man to collect your savings, which are invested In stocks and bonds to your credit. Now York Press. Smokfc" An A revivalist named A. Wagge has been preaching In Roanoke, Va., and advising the farmers to burn their tobacco crop In order to avoid burning themselves In the next world. Matn young thew Searce, a farmer, emptied eight barns which were filled with fine tobacco, piled it. In one Immense heap, Invited his neighbors In and then set fire to the whole crop. It was valued at $8,000. well-know- Million of ruHngm. Tha annual statement of the Montreal street railway 3tatea that during tho year tho company carried 46,741,000 passengers and issued 14.215,000 transfers. The earnings for the year show a net profit of (649,251.51, aa compared with (647,246.04 for the previous year. Montreal Herald and Star. R corning Hooey from Grafton At a county fair in Kansas a man tost (18 at a aure-thin- g game. The wife saw the man lose hla last cent, and, marching up to the desk of the grafter, grabbed a handful of money from the box, told him she had to have It to live on, and walked away to the music of the crowds cheers. A Groat Orchard Man. In Fred Wellhouse, the Kansas r. He apple king, waa a knew a good deal about orchards, however, and began on a small scale to raise fruit Now he haa 1,240 acres of orchards, and hla apple crop this year is 60,000 bushels. 1875 wage-earne- Our European lmiulrat. During 1181 and 1883 the European to the United States Immigration reached its maximum and amounted to 730.000 persona. The number In 1885 was 332.000; In 1191. 595.000; la 1897-9230.000; in 18.18-9311,000. 8. 9. Rtnp the Cough anil Work Off the Cold Laxative Brouio Quinine Tablets. Price 25a. John Redmond, the Irish leader, who visiting the United States, is the subject of a sketch in the Review of Reviews for Decemis now well-inform- ed ber. Hamlins Wizard Oil Co. send song book free. Your druggist sells the oil and it stops pain. Desert Turned Into Vineyard. Irrigation nas converted tho South American desert valleys near tha city of Mendoza Into some of the most in the world. productive vlnevar Ik Balf an hour all the time required to dye with PUTNAM FADELESS DYES. Sold by druggists. Me. per package. chancing a Camel Path, The camel path which for centuries has formed the only connection between Jerusalem and Nablus has at last been made Into a carriage road nearly twenty feet wide. (Sy-che- m) 1 3 |