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Show Pulpit Signals The need of some means of prompt communication between the clergyman in the pulpit and the sexton at the other end of the church has long been apparent. There are constantly arising contingencies in which it is absolutely necessary that the minister should communicate with the sexton. For example, the minister needs a glass of water, or, in the case of Mr. Talmage, a lotion for a sprained leg. He needs to ask a question of a vestryman, or he wants to have a warden waked up, or a crying baby removed. In these circumstances the aid of the sexton is indispensable, but as that functionary is at the extreme end of the church, and is perhaps absorbed in watching a pew full of boys who are on the point of breaking into open disorder, his attention cannot be attracted. Many plans have been devised by ingenious ministers to establish communication with the sexton. There was the Rev. Mr. Sanford, of Sheboygan, who invented a code of the handkerchief signals. One wave of the handkerchief meant that he wanted water; holding one end of the handkerchief in his teeth and the other in his right hand meant "shake a boy on the right side of the church;" and waving the handkerchief three times around his head was an order to the sexton to poke the fire. The system was ingenious, but it did not work, for the sexton constantly misunderstood signals, and the congregation assumed that the minister was engages in a flirtation with the soprano of the choir, and that his signals were intended for her benefit. The result was a scandal and an ecclesiastical trial, the remembrance of which is doubtless still fresh in the reader's memory. Then there was the Methodist minister of Oshkosh, who agreed with his sexton that whenever he exclaimed "Of, my brethren," a glass of water would be brought to him. This was for a time quite successful, but the minister exchanged pulpits with a Baptist friend, without warning this sexton that the Baptist knew nothing of the signal code. It so happened that the Baptist preacher began seventy-three sentences by actual count with the exclamation, "O, my brethren!" and every time the sexton brought him a glass of water. Of course, this attracted attention, and excited the minister's indignation, who regarded it as 0sarcasm on his denominational fondness for water. Still, it is doubtful if it was excusable for throwing the seventy-third glass with its contents at the head of the sexton and certainly his conduct in kicking the latter down the pulpit stairs admits of no justification. The sexton of course felt himself outrages, and ever afterward refused to answer any signal that was made to him from the pulpit. The Rev. Mr. Carn, a popular Presbyterian minister invented a system of signaling his sexton, which had very marked merits. He caused a wire to be run from the pulpit t o the sexton's pew, where it connected with a pair of leather-coated iron clamps, so constructed that when the wire was pulled the clamps would gently pinch the sexton's leg. The wire ran underneath the flooring of the meeting house, and the clamps were concealed under the sexton's seat, so that no one except the minister and the sexton was aware of the existence of the sacred telegraph. It was found to work beautifully. When the minster wanted water he pulled the wire one. Two pulls meant he wanted to speak tot the sexton, and three pulls meant "turn up the gas." The congregation wondered how it happened that the service went so smoothly and that the sexton always did the right thing at the right time, but they were destined to make a painful discory of the true state of affairs. On the last Sunday in June of this year the sexton brought with him to the morning service his middle-aged maiden aunt, who was paying him a brief visit, and whose heir he hoped to be. By some unexplained accident, he forgot all about the signal wire, and showed the aunt into the seat which he ordinarily occupied, and was obliged to take another seat on the opposite side of the aisle. Directly behind the aunt sat Deacon Brown, one of the pillars of the congregation, an aged man of the most unblemished character. The minster had begun his sermon, and had just finished the exordium, when he felt thirsty and signaled for a glass of water. To his surprise there was no answer made to the signal. Probably the maiden aunt was more surprised that was the minister, for as soon as she felt the soft pressure of the clamps she started in great alarm, and turning her head gave the deacon a look of indignant virtue. The latter betrayed no sign of guilt, but continued to gaze steadily at the pulpit with a peaceful and happy expression of face. Presently the minster, thinking that the sexton must have failed to understand the signal, pulled the wire again. The maiden aunt, with her cheeks glowing with rage, turned once more to the placid and unsuspecting deacon and whispered fiercely to him that "he had better behave himself or she's let him know." The good man, thinking that a poor lunatic was in front of him, paid no attention to her remark, and in a few moments was once more wrapped in the sermon. By this time the minister, becoming extremely thirsty, gave the signal for the sexton to come to the pulpit. What was his horror to see, instead of the sexton, an infuriated maiden aunt rise to her feet and fall upon Deacon Brown with her umbrella and an evident purpose of exterminating that inoffensive man. Of course the sexton rushed to the rescue and dragged his aunt away. Though the mystery of the clamps was subsequently explained to her, the explanation only turned her indignation from the deacon to the minister, who, she said ought to be ashamed of himself, and deserved to be tarred and feathered. The upshot of the affair was that the sacred telegraph was removed, and the minister now preaches without water and is completely cut off from his sexton during service |
