Show THE KEEPAPITCHININ 78 THE PRESIDENT’S MESSAGE PAPER A L’evoled to Cents Scents Sense and Nonsense Principal Editor Deputy Asst Editor Asst’s Dep’y ' UNO HOO UBET URLIFE Clerk T E B I Z Ness It reads"as IUI Si Per Annum in Advance Six Months Single Copies ' Perhaps our numerous readers will ap'$ “Remember remember the 5th of November preciate the enterprise of this establishGunpowder treason and plot” ment when they realize that this is the —Cld Song v only paper in the United States that pubThe following "song written by one of lished the President’s message en tire and the conspirators resembles man ie it is paid for every line in the grand old green- “fearfully and wonderfully made” but backs with a suitable tuning fork it can be - $1 50 1 00 10 “Dear follows: Urio Hoo Keepapitchiaui Ur S CLUB RATES: $ 500 Five Copies to one address Ten Copies to One Address and one to the clubber 1000 For JS&B sale by all respectable Newsdealers everywhere ADVERTISEMENTS Owing to the limited space devoted 'to Advertising we shall be under the necessity of restrict Granit” DEFIANT REBELLION We understand that a tall man was seen to walk deliberately out upon the main street and alter flourishing a large bandanna deliberately and defiantly blew a loud treasonable blast upon his horn and he is not yet arrested An outraged people demand in thunder tones Where Business in order are our deputy marshals? ing Advertisements to TEN lines or less Terms each insertion fifty cents a line All Communications JS5P on must be attention Co Box D Salt to receive Hoo & THURSDAY - - addressed— UNO Lake City AND INWARDLY DIOEST MARK READ DEC 15 1870 - Mark Twain avows his intention to publish a'portrait of King William but we would most respectfully inform Markthat TI3$! “RUSIIIN” WAR We published the that’s played out England anticipating war with Russia only “korekt” likeness of that potent sovhas ordered 480 Gatlin Mitrailleurs from ereign more than four weeks ago lrou This gun is headed us off on the map oi the seat of —some enterprising Yankee a very ingenioupecimen of “the pestil- war but we’ve got you on the picture ence that stalketh at noonday” It is business very easily worked too: A man stands behind and grinds out the bullets by the STRUCK IT RICH simple turn of the wrist but we think a Yes iveve struck tie You’ve all heard great improvement might be made in it Suppose for instance it ground out tunes of the man who made his fortune by striklike an organ along with the bullets it on his own land Well ing Peter-Oleuwould save quite an expense in brass that’s neither here nor there but the oil’s bands etc When mowing things down there because these aged eyes have seen pretty lively it might play: it We perceive a- disposition upon the “I'm Captain Jinks of the horse marines part of our citizens to make light of it I feed my horse on pork and beans” etc That’s just’ what we do ice make light of And when a few regiments had been it and it’s (no allusion just a little mowed down by it the tune might be to the “New Move’ ’ ) of any thing we have changed to Persons deyet seen for that purpose “John Brown’s body (bang!) lies a mouldering sirous of being blown up will have to get in the grave (bang! bang!) married as this oil positively refuses to But his soul goes marching along” No grease no smoke but a explode (bang! bang! bang!) clear flame like a jet of gas We bright This would make it quite an inspiriting are not Reese’s now at it Try gassing We shall not charge the institution ' Store British government anything for this sug- City drug gestion EARLY EZKTORXAIi m - SEASONABLE This cool weather brings forcibly to our mind that piece of poetry we wrote in the winter of ’67 and ’68: “Oh for a gentle loving wife' f It ' is the heart’s desire A tender truthful trusting soul To rise and light the fire” King William’s name Is thundered forth By European cannon run on him And glory-hunteAs Bonaparte they ran on But if he hopes to turn the heads Of all our pretty girls He’ll get his Sunday clothes made up At Mr Michael Earl’s Groesbeek’s Buildings twisted into time (We use when singing it one of Patten’s patent wrenches) We till we came to “gobgot along first-rat- e bled” we had to split that into three pieces before we could slide by It should be sung with the spiiit and understanding ie you should use a bottle of We wine and keep time with the feet wouldn’t recommend anyone to sing it on a high key or an empty stomach: THE MI LI IT AM AN'S LAMENT Co-o- p TUNE — Yillikinsand his Dinah'1 My friends a sad story I’m going to tell Of a doleful misfortuue that to me bef el You see a good soldier I resolved for to be me But wicked old Mauley he gob-bl-- ed Singing tooral li oorlal etc With long wooden guns and a feather or two An old brass coat and buttons so blue do say I arm-e- d myself as the law-booAnd to the parade ground I hastened away From one to ten hundred together we got The General shouted out I don’t know what When Sec’tary Black in a buggy drew near And took down my name then I felt very queer But not feeling certain (his eyes are not good) He called on Dick Keyes who near him he stood With his big pair of glasses he double did see And oh my heyes that pickl-e- d me Now a trap had been set for such is the tale But twas sprung by a mouse instead of a whale Marshall Patrick nabbed me thinks I that looks squally And I’m blest if he didn’t haul me up before Old J udge Mauley Maxwell he sputtered and foamed at the And Baskin turned pale and the law he spit mouth out Twas murder and treason and everything bad And for quite a while it did make me feel sad Mr Mauley fell sick and couldn’t decide Slept on it all night and chewed it beside Came down in the morning with a cart load of i books And frightened the rebels with his terrible looks With a big roll of papers as thick as his arm He read off the sentence which did me alarm Nine hours it took him the sentence to read And when it was done twas as dry as d chop-fee- Away to Camp Douglas’ they carried me straight There to be confined as a prisoner of state And made me give bonds for to keep true and juirm Till the Grand Jury sits on me at the next March termi cJorti-Ri tooral li ooral etc |