Show THE KEEP A P ITCHININi presence of our wives socially intellectu-allphysically spiritually morally practically syllogistically somatically materially theoretically tempoi ally and eternally neither to speak more than six hours at a time and should the Dr prefer it we furthermore agree to occupy his pulpit in Washington and edify his congregation there as much as he possibly could and draw his salary as close as he dare do while he takes our place in this city and draws our salary We also intend to challenge the Pope of Dome and the of Canterbury and should they fail (as we fully expect) to come to time we shall publish them to the world as recreant poltroons and cowardly vagabonds y Arch-bkho- p TOOTHLESS Look out for h:m! tusk-'mash- for the insignificant sum of $10 a head He succeeded admirpaid iu advance ably in extracting the teeth and securing the money but shortly afterwards had to start East suddenly There is some little excitement in that village just at present but we trust it will soon blow ovpr We think a man with a few sets of teeth could make a pretty good thing of it to go up after the excitement dies out We wouldn’t advise any tooth man to go there just at present CENSUS incensed if the census man should call on you to take your census As the man said who sailed out without paying his income tax “ We all owe someand this is one thing to our country duty we owe He will probably want to know how old you are when you were born where you were born and whether you have been bom again or- not Let this be borne in mind Perhaps the census of the people was never so far behind before He will probably ask you whether- you came over in May or the Mayflower whether you belong to the s Strangites Rigdonites Morrisites s or Also whether you are going to Canaan or Abraham’s bosom and how’ many copies of the Keepapitchintn you take This last question you need not answer Don’t get Josey-fight- — Git-tight- " What’s stronger in death than life? d ins — An old hen yellow-legge- o" v Tlie Blood tub of Sackcrdowii ok : h BY CAPT CHAPTER MARROWFAT i" "f TWO— CONTINUED “How’s that for high?” — Koleax deferred until “No no” replied the Coun’ “explain yourself at once every moment is of importance every hour we remain here is danger perhaps death to Biddy” Thusly urged Don Alverado proceeded to unfold himself “You see” said the Don “I have by minute calculations both lunar and solar discovered that this bland has grown from the ocean’s bottom like a mushroom the long stem of coral has grown to the surface of the sea and spread like the top of an umbrella forming this beautiful island With a plumb-bospirit level rule and compass I have discovered the true centre the old Hidalgo arid 1 have already sunk a shaft 200 feet down this stem and therein packed wadded and ready for the match we have stowed four hundred tons of powder You seo the idea We explode this mine the stem is broken and the island freed from its anchorage floats to the main land and b A gentleman from Kaysville informs us called at that an itinerant that village and made a contract to puli all the teeth of the inhabitants and replace them with highly biologized electro magnetic teeth with vapor attachment Hit-tigh- ts THE REDHEAD REN EGA DO! two-fo- are free” “Free! free!” shouted the young Count and in his excitement he ran towards the tent shouting “Liberty! liber-- ' ty or death! ” and ere Alverado could prevent it he hurled the large coal oil lamp that was burning in the tent down we down deep into the shaft For a moment the two stood transfixed and tlien as ' if actuated by one impulse they took to their heels never stopping until they reached the end of the island There was a low sullen rumbling a quivering and then a roar and clap a twirling spinning splashing jerk then all was calm “The Conquestador!” they both exclaimed looking high in the air Over two miles above them was the old Hidalgo’s form still going up up like a rocket In their terror they had fled leaving the old man sleeping in the tent “Oh my hies” said the Count “He’s up pretty high” murmured Alverado 47 completely blockaded in and as a seagoing vessel was useless The Redhead therefore concluded to abandon her and retreat to his castle on the hill overlooking the bay When the pirate’s boats left the ship the Count brought his bellows to bear cn them and with a gust from that several of the boats were capsized and their crews Browned Still the Redhead with his lovely captive in his arms made good his retreat Don Alverado boarded the schooner and commenced a furious cannonade on the tower with the schooner’s Long Tom The third shot knocked the clock clean out of the City Hall steeple “We’re knocked out of time” said the Mayor of the city “Let’s surrender” And surrender they did Don Alverado and the Count went ashore and animating the inhabitants with addresses they soon had an army of several thousand men ready and willing to sacrifice everything in defence of their native land and the overthrow of the Redhead’s power “Onward aye onward to victory or death!” shouted the infuriated soldiers Their enthusiasm was unbounded Don Alverado threw himself at the head of the left wing while the young Count with equal' alacrity led the right delivering a address (copied from Gen His troops tore up the heights O’Neil) determined to conquer or die In spite of the murderous fire mowing the men down like grass they still 'pressed on The pirate’s doom was sealed As the Count and Don Alverado took possession of the battlements the Redhead stood alone defiant in the centre of the court-yar- d covered with powder and gore ' He looked the very demon that he was “Come on!” he shouted “I brave ye to the death I dare defy despise ye all Nought that is around below or above do g g f I fear” M There was a dark swift object like the lightning’s flash’ descended from the clouds there was a groan a heavy fall and there then lay the boasting pirate dead at Old Hidalgo’s feet When the old Conquestador was blown up he continued to rue for several days but the air getting thin and his armor heavy he round onwaking up one morning that he was descending as rapidly as 1m had ascended Hearing the boastful voice of the Redhead he drew his sword and with all the vengeance of a descendCHAP THREE ing father he struck the villain dead There was a great barbecue and marri“To ketch a bird and never fail Why sprinkle salt upon his tail’’— age was the order of the day The young Gwillim Doo Count was spliced to Biddy Don AlveraAfter waiting two or three days for the do married the Hidalgo’s sister while the Hidalgo to come down the Count and Don old Hidalgo himself was united to Don Alverado commenced making arrangeAlverado’ s mother by the Reverend ments to work the island ashore that is Doctor Numan Ships were loaded to the main land They rigged up the with gold and treasure and thus they reblacksmith’s bellows on the rear end of turned to their native land with wealth the island and brought it to bear on two and happiness old cocoa-nu- t The Count worked trees It is not at all unlikely that their lives the bellows vigorously while the Don are one continued day of enjoyment at n steered the island in shore with a fence their residence in the 20th Ward rail Before noon by the dexterous manTHE END agement of the Spanish Captain the island was run hard and fast into the When may a party properly lead mouth of the little bay wherein lay the pirate schooner in fact the schooner was others? When it’s got |