Show - THE KEEPAPITCHININ J 4:6 4bh - r y'r pect is that it won’t be done these four failures have placed the Frenehin their As Napoleon present critical" condition PAPER1 A truly observes ‘‘all can be retrieved” fevotcdJo Cents Scents Sense and Nonsense yet there is but one course to be pursued It is this: Napoleon" should go at once HOO Principal Editor ::UNO with 500 picked men by night secretly Deputy Asst EditorUBET URLIFE and cut off the head of the Prussian king B I Z Ness Pep’y Asst’s Clerk thus he will literally have the head of the nation in his own hands and can dictate TERMS: "Per Annum in 'Advance' $1 50 terms to'the enemy It would be advisSix Months 1 00 able in order to make sure work also 10 Single Copies for Napoleon to run his sword through the CLUB RAT ES: Five Copies to one address $ 500 If he has no trunk run it king's trunk Ten Copies to One Address and one to the clubber 10OO Another plan through his bread basket and the only proper course to be pursued 4® For sale by all respectable Newsdealer under existing circumstances is to send everywhere 500 picked men by night secretly to the rear of the Prussian army and cut off their ADVERTISEMENTS Owing to the limited space devoted to Adverretreat (if they can find it) then send 500 tising we shall be under the necessity of restrict more men to cut off their advance then T Advertisements to E N lines or less ing send 500 more men to cut off their pickets Terms each insertion fifty cents a line and smash the fence and then they can Then deprive them 6® All Communications on Business in order drive in their posts to receive attention must be addressed— JJno of anything to eat for a few days then IIoo & Co Box D Salt Lake City tell them that if they will lay down their arms suitable provisions will be made for MONDAY - - - AUGUST 15 1870 them even if it should become necessary to establish a provisional government Another plan and the only suitable one EDITORIAL would be to get 500 men from Ogden with r the small pox and send them into the COMIKO EVENTS enemy’s camp then they will all have to go home to get vaccinated We have been expecting this war to reIf thi$ plan is pursued we expect to see sult in bloodshed and are not disappoint- the French triumphant If not— not ed We plainly saw that the Prussians would be victorious for a time but many TIIE WAR people say why is it? how is it? what causes it ? Gentle reader don’t get agiSpecial Disp’ttfJies to the “Keepa-pitchftuiiitated these are times of great excitement from onr own Correspou The dem on the Spot but keep cool and we’ll explain You whole matter lies in a We have succeeded in securing Lord see the Prussians took away the cannons mitrailleurs and small arms from the John Bustle as special correspondent at French and consequently the JFr'ench were the seat of war He wished to know how Now how could the French much we were willing to pay him Teledisarmed when their arms were taken away ? graphed him by cable to “act for its and fight Then again the Prussians kept shooting name your own terms ” Our paper being at the French and fighting them when first class and our subscribers principally their backs were turned Now every of the upper ten we employ first class one knows that a man can’t fight anything talent regardless of expense and as our If each subscribers are all good people we want so well behind him as in front itself contented at good news always and plenty of it and had fortifying party homo there would not have been so much if Lord John can’t furnish it we’ll employ bloodshed Or if the French had stayed some one who can vat home and waited for Bismarck to travel “London Aug 13 ’70 all the way to Paris by the time he got Editor Keepapitchinin: to aris ho would have been very much I’m off Bustle” tired and then Napoleon could have gone “Napoleon’s Headquarters out with 4000000 fresh soldiers and cut Metz Aug 14 ’70 J him' off to a man but he didn’t do it Ed Keepapitchinin : consequently he failed to do it the result I sit down and take my pen in hand to is that it hasn’t been done and the pros drop you these few lines hoping they will ' ” nut-she- ll ' r ' i ' find you the same I have taken the liberty to draw on you for $30 000 as my traveling expenses to date I shall expect niy board and salary in addition to this but do not wish to draw too heavily at first I send you exclusively the following dispatcher: ” “ Saarbrucken Aug 14 8 m p We have killed 50000 French captured 30000 and 00000 cannons and mitiail-leurProvidence be praised (Signed) s Frederick Willtam King of Prussia” “Thionville Aug 14 8 p m We have met with a slight check all can I e retrieved Enlist all between the ages of 25 and 50 Napoleon” “Thionville Aug 14 9:30 p m We have taken forty French Generals and 75000 troops The enemy are in full retreat Let a general thanksgiving be proclaimed (Signed) Frederick William King of Prussia” “Metz Aug 14 9:30 p m We have not heard how McMahon is Our forces are full of aniprogressing mation Let all be enlisted between the ages of 15 and 75 I go to the front Napoleon” “Metz iug 14 10:30 p m We have had a great battle 150000 French are wounded 21571 slightly killed and 200000 captured Our loss is 75 killed 15 wounded and 13 straggled The Emperor of the French had his coat tail cut off by one of our hussars We are marching on Paris 3000000 strong Let psalms be sung in all the churches (Signed) Fredekick William King of Prussia” “On the Field Aug 14 10:30 pm taken the field in person We have had another slight reverse but all I go to the front at can be retrieved There are 4000000 men who have once I have not smelt powder yet besides which Austria has 7000000 of men Italy Let 3000000 and Bussia 10 000000 us precipitate this united force upon the I’ll come back to Paris dead Prussians Let all be enlisted between or victorious the ages of 10 and 95 Napoleon” NEWMAN Now that we have polished off the New Move we turn our attentiep to the New Man We hereby challenge Dr Newman to public debate on the question “Is Polygamy sanctioned by the Keepapitcii-inin?- ” on the following terms viz: The Dr to try polygamy for six months in order that he may get a practical knowledge of it and we to enter into monogamy for the same length of time at the end of which period should the Dr survive' we are to discuss the m fitter in the i |