Show THE KEEPAPITOHININ THE 8EIOXD JIOIUIOX WAR morn-in- ’ made their appearance An’ saized the nine ribels that mado up the host And they marched ivery man of this mighty rabillion And lodged thim in jail 'at the milit’ry post Whin Phabus was shinin’ like turf at a Sure the deeds of these hayroes will wake live long in story That Savage or Ottingercame to our sancTheir names will be blazoned without tum an excuse And tould us as how he had some'For all of thim still are a sarckin’ thin’ to spake about thim It’s marchin’ we are in the twintieth And saizin’ aich ribil thats lyin’ round Ward now loose Wid all our new insthruments clane as d The wooden guns taken will be c can be “If I should be kilt by the Diputy MarThe fife will be spiked and the drum shals will be hushed Thin bury me quiet and dacent’says The nation is saved by the Diputy Marhe mfis-cate- “Sure Charley” says I “but ye talk like a haythin” That’s clans atin up wid distimper” says Sayings of Josh Billings But the Diputy Marshals soon wtojj It’s early it was on a late plisant 75 I “Suie you are the boys fit for figiitin’ atin’ But divil a one is so aisy to die” an’ “Ye comfort me throubles intirely” says Charley “And spachless I am wid yer spakin’ I fear If Misther O’Holley’s in nade of a di-v- I’ll sind back the Marshal that comes in his biei” Thin Charley and I turned our illigant fay tu res Fornint the slimall squad that was part of our troop And bouldly we marched wid our wooden guns shouldered Like so many murphies intrenched in the soup “Go aisy me boys” said our gintleman captain “And silence yer beautiful mugs if ye plaze It’s not for the dhrill nor the tictacs we’re p’radin’ Butmarely to say how our thrimmins displays We marched thro’ the dust and we marched thro’ the bushes In rout time in quick time in no time at all Wid mopsticks for guns which were all of thim scarcer Than pure mountain dew at a timper-anc- e ball And thin whin we racked the parade ground bejabers Bad luck to the same ’twas a disert we found Wid niver a soldier in sight but was absint And plinty of nothing at all on the ground shals The fierce war is over— rebellion is crushed Here we have a few more chunks of wisdom from that old joker Josh Billings: When a man loses his health then he fust begins to take care of it This is judgment this good ser-po- tad-pol- THE LATE REBELLION Gentle reader you will observe this article i3 entitled the Late Rebellion You will please obseive that we say late not Ihe eirly rebellion was early rebellion the Southern one with which Gen Early But thi3 rewas somewhat connected bellion was the late rebellion It might be termed the too late rebellion because it proved unsuccessful which goes to show that not withstanding the fact that (as we often tell our wife) it is never too late to mend it is sometimes too late to rebel Had Gen Graham been successful he might ere this have been sitting in the White House complaeentlysmoking Gen Grant’s havannas and the redoubtable Gen Ottinger might have been wading knee deep in the blood of the Pennsylvanians of his native State while the armies and navies of the United States might have been scattered to the 4 winds All this might have been “ The saddest words of tongue or pen Are si ely these : It might have been” iz Most people decline tew learn only by their own experience I guess they are moar than ono haf rite for I don’t a man can get a perfect idee of molasses kandy by letting another feller taste it 4 him It iz gittin so now if a man kan’t cheat in sum way he ain’t happy Success in life is verry apt tew make us forget the time we wasn’t much It iz jist so with a Irog on the jump he kan’t — but remember when he was a e other folks kan An individual to be a fine gentleman has either got to be born so or brought up so from infancy he kan’t learn it suddenly any moar than he kan learn how to tork Injun correctly praktising on a tommyhawk I serpose Adam iz the only man who ever lived and warn’t never spanked SKRAPS An imputation of unfairness— “When ever I find a real handsome woman engaged in the ‘wimmin’s rights bizness’ ” says Josh Billings ‘Then I am going to take mi hat under mi arm and jine the proces- sion” Mr Nathan Hall of Durham Connecticut in 1833 thanked God that he lived “in a hilly country where it was impossible to build railroads” the To-da- cars of the Air Line Railroad run through of his place between his the door-yarhouse and barn and within four feet of his side door d We learn that Census-marshCampbell calling in the way of business at the house of a young German asked the wife who came to the door how many there were of the family? To this the honest vrow replied: “Yell der is only two now Shon and mebut you shoost vait till next veek ! ’ ’ Jehial Slab says: Because you forgive your enemies as the sun gees down it is not always necessary that you shouldbegin to trust them again at early candle-ligh- t If the way the money has been obtained We do not Alas! it was not to bo should always be written out over the blame the Generals nor the musicians names of the donors in the walls of our nor the troops Perhaps a more daring churches how many would blush to read intrepid determined set of men never be- the inscriptions You will find one peculiarity very prorn-nefore set forth to slay the nation but the whenever you undertake to go to the wind was against them the sun shone in devil The path you will take always their eyes the late start was against points the way the swine went when the them their wooden guns were against devil first got into them— down hill squirt-guA constantly them and the Deputy Marshals and tobacco juice is next to a I charged with and Keys’ spectacles were against them barn-yar1 know of the nastiest thing It was a sad specta- The kind that perambulates around they surrendered cle stores and public nails and cars and passenwhere ladies have to use ger-depots their dresses to mop up after them will — The best waiting-maid- s Elderly fe- please take this remark and tell the storemales unmarried keeper to charge it to me - two-legg- d n |