Show THE KEEPAPITOHININ 40 COLUMN GENT We trust the ladies will skip this — Ed who loves his felas the cannibal said to the “Write of me as one low man” missionary On x FRIGHTFUL ACCIDENT ! A Northwestern way near Land’s End ! the Lundon Rail- When Patrick O’Flyn was seen with his collar and bosom sadfy begrimed he was indignantly asked by his officer: The above picture may be relied on ?' ‘Patrick CfFlyn! how long do you it was photographed by Messrs Savage & wear a shirt?'1 inches sir “Twenty-eigh- t Ottinger on the spot Many people are of how these accurate representignorant An editor speaking of a rogue who lives ations of frightful calamities are obtained in his vicinity says: “The rascal has broken every bank jail and Sabbath we We always have the engineer telegraph us have had in this county for the last five where he intends to collide and then have years a photographer sent in advance to arrange A country clergyman paying a profes- his apparatus for instantaneous views sional visit to a dying neighbor who was We suppose the Eastern illustrated joura churlish and universally unpopular nals pursue this course Everything is man put the usual question: simple when you understand it “Are you willing to go my friend?’ — :o: “Oh yes” said the sick man “I am” minis“Well” said the ter “I am glad you are for the neighbors simple-minde- are willing” t “I’m in the wrong” LADIES d COLUMN According to Artemus Ward there are two things for which we are never quite the prepared namely — twins in A fond wife threw a bottle of hair at her husband’s head at which he “is a exclaimed: “We must part — the dye is is said to be most difficult sentence to pronounce the English language “A dog” says a correspondent I good thing to have in the country have one that I raised from a pup He is a good stout fellow and a heavy barker The man of whom I bought and feeder him said he was a thoroughbred but he begins to have a mongrel look about him He is a good watch-do- g though the moment he sees any suspicious person about the premises he goes right into the First kitchen and gets under the dresser we kept him in the house and he scratched all night to get out Then we turned him out and he scratched all night to get in Then we tied him up in the garden and he howled so that the neighbors shot at him twice before daybreak Finally we gave him away and he came back and now he has just recovered from a fit in which he has torn up patch that had been sown for our spring radishes” Mr Jones was afflicted and thus he told his sorrow— “By dabe is Jodes — Daddlo Jodes I ab the host biserable ab eterdally catchban udder the sud ing cold so that Idevercad talk plaid I tried everything id the world to prevedt it subber ad widter it is all the sabe I breathe through by bouth from Jaduary to Decebb-- r frob the begiddig to the edd of the year I’ve tried every systeb of All kides of teas bedicid but id yaid brobs ad old wibbid dostrubs have bid tried I’ve swallowed edough of theb to drowd be but it’s do use Dothig udder heaved cad keep by feet warb dothig keep be frob catchig code I the Irish masses are perpetually humbugged by those who preach patriotism and mean pennies we admit that green has been very appropriately chosen as their national color When we see how cast” Unfeeling — Widow Grizzle’s hus band lately died of cholera In the midst of the most acute bodily pain after the hand of death had touched him: and while writhing in agony his gentle wife said to him: “Well Mr Grizzle you needn’t kick around so and wear all the sheets out if are dying” Matched by a Woman— In the somewhat famous case of Mrs Brogden’s will you which was tried some years ago Mr Webster appeared as counselor for the Mrs G reenough wife of the appellant Reverend William Greenough late of West Newton a tall straight queenly-lookin- g woman with a keen black eye — a woman of great and decision of character — was called as a witness on the opposite side Webster at a glance could foresee that her testimony if it contained anything of importance would have great weight with the jury He therefore resolved if possible to break her up and when she answered the first question put to her with “I believe” Webster roared out “We don’t want to hear what you believe we want to hear what you know” Mrs Greenough replied “That is just what I was about to say sir” and went on with her testimony And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her she pursued the even tenor of her way until Webster becoming quite fearful of the result arose apparently in great agitation and drawing out his large snuff box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom and carrying the deep pinch to both nostrils drew it up with gusto Webster — “Mrs Greenough was Mrs Bogden a neat woman?” Mrs Greenough— I cannot give you very full information as to that sir she had one very dirty trick” Webster — “What’s that ma’am?” Mrs Greenough — “She took snuff” The roar of the court was such that he neither rose ndr spoke again till after Mrs Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness Didn’t Catch the Train— The most difficult thing (says a cynical old bach ) in the world for a woman to do is to get And there is noready to go anywhere thing a woman will resent quicker or more fiercely than an intimation that she Our friend may possibly miss the train Brayfogle was supposed to take the ten o’clock train on the Bee Line to visit some relatives in an interior town Having suffered on previous occasions for injudicious suggestions Bray thought for once he would let things take their natural course So he sipped his coffee and ate his eggs on toast while madame curled and powdered and danced attendance on the looking-glas- s and tied her hair on the back of her head hen Bray sat by the stove an hour reading the morning paper while the madame still continued to eret ready At last just as he had reached the final paragraph madame tied her bonuet strings under her chin took one long lingering loving look at the image reflected in the glass and announced: “Well my dear I’m ready” “Ready for what?’ asked Bray in well affected astonishment “To go to the depot to be sure” said Mrs Brayfogle tartly “Oh!” said Bray “I’d forgotten Well madame” continued he looking at his watch “that train has been gone thirteen minutes Just keep on your things and you’ll be ready for the train 1 morning” We draw a veil over what followed We are assured however that the next morning Mrs B was ready an hour ahead of time ADY ERTIS EM ENTS HURRY UP FOR FISH t in Laketown south end THE undersigned Bear Lake Valley are prepared to c fish on for tch short notice any who may favor them with their patronage All should ana own their barrel salt Terms brng and all k liberal ndsofgood pay taken UHRISTOPHEK 8TOKES W PNEBEKEK THE GOLDEN GATE! only establishment in the wide world where you can obtain two plates of John H Kelson s celebrated Ice Cream for a' quarter and a glass of Nectar to wash It down The IF YOU WANT YOUR PrUTFTAKEN with a high forehead and smiling go to Savage fc Ottinger MUSEUM AND MENAGERIE Go and See the Razor that shaved Barn um from m 5 to pm 9a |