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Show The Garfield County Insider Page 6 tHe lAuGhiNg pOiNt!! TRAVELOGUE I went to California, to San Francisco town. What a hilly bugger. It’s all straight up and down. I went out there to visit friends, and dig the urban bounty. San Francisco’s got some stuff you won’t see in Wayne County. Mostly it was varied folks of different types and hues. Also joints where people sold, unhidden, drinks of booze. There was autos, cabs and cable cars, busses and bikes and BARTs, And billions of people, bored where they were, heading for different parts. Some of my brand new friends there were housed in alternative ways. Little houses built on stilts, and houseboats on the bays. I went to fine museums. Some of their stuff was the neatest. Just the thing to please the heart of a Teasdale town elitist. The California Zephyr conveyed me forth and back, Resting in the coach car, thundering down Amtrak. It was a long but scenic trip, at least in major sections, And the miracle part, the train was on time, going in both directions. Poems written by Ray Conrad www.raymondconrad.com March 19, 2009 Do-It-Yourself Tips For Real Men Leak stain on ceiling: Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it’s the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments). Crabgrass: In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included. Cigarette burn on rug: Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark. Dirty paint brushes: Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable. Annoying drips: Don’t invite them over anymore. Out of Memory Error This IT Technician handles support for a big manufacturing plant, and part of that responsibility is taking support calls 24/7. “The very first time I took a middle-of-the-night support call I was a little groggy, being awakened by the phone at 3:30 in the morning,” Tech says. “But I quickly woke up and asked questions of the night operator, then talked him through restarting processes and verifying things were working again, right down to telling him which button to click on, what to type and what passwords to put in. “Typical IT support stuff, and the phone call lasted just over 20 minutes. “When I turned the light back off and pulled the covers back over me, my loving wife rolled over toward me and said, ‘You can remember all that and you can’t remember to take the garbage out on Tuesdays?’ “I didn’t sleep much the rest of that night.” Scented Candles for Men It seems in this day and time you can’t go into an area dominated by a woman without detecting the ‘aroma’ (odorous terribilis) of some kind of bizarre scented candle. Everything from ‘Boysenberry Vanilla Potpourri’ to ‘Spice Orange Jasmine Chocolate’. Sometimes it gives me a headache! Well, it’s about time men had their own scented candles. Below you will find a few scents men would appreciate. ‘62 Chevy truck Interior and Exhaust Gunpowder Wet Dog (only if it’s your own dog) Frying Bacon (actually, a lot of different fried foods) Wood Smoke Chainsaw Exhaust Freshly Caught Bass Ozone (arc welder, of course) Acetylene Freshly Moved Dirt Silage Sawdust New Tires Hot Metal 3 Year Old Cap Ammonia Fertilizer (light, of course) Burning Grass or Leaves Alfalfa Firecrackers Latex Paint My Fortune A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.” Good Spelling Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight. “Decipher is spelled with a ‘ph’, not an ‘f’,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your Microsoft program.” A minute later his reply: “Must be dephective.” It Makes Sense...By Veda Hale OSPREYS, AND DISCARDED LINE AND TWINE: THE FATAL ATTRACTION Ospreys—large birds of prey more commonly known as fish hawks—will fly into Utah soon to begin their nesting season. Unfortunately, when they get here, a fatal attraction will be waiting for them—discarded baling twine and fishing line. A fatal attraction Discarded piles of baling twine can be seen throughout Utah, especially in agricultural areas. And discarded fishing line isn’t hard to find at all—just look next to almost any fishing water in the state. “I’ve seen firsthand the fatal attraction discarded twine and line pose to ospreys,” says Scott Root, a regional outreach manager with the Division of Wildlife Resources. Root says ospreys typically use tree branches to build their large nests. As they build their nests, they sometimes use twine and fishing line to bind or adorn their nests. In the process, they can become fatally entwined in these manmade materials. And the young ospreys that hatch in the nest face the same hazard. “If a nest contains baling twine or fishing line, there’s a good chance at least one of the birds will get entangled and die,” Root says. Bob Walters, Watchable Wildlife coordinator for the DWR, saw this firsthand last summer. While checking nests in north-central Utah, he found several ospreys that had been killed or injured after becoming entangled in baling twine and monofilament fishing line. “Many of these synthetic materials may appear to be biodegradable, but it can take years for them to naturally decompose,” Walters says. How you can help If you’re an angler or someone who comes across fishing line while you’re in the outdoors, take a few minutes to collect it. Then dispose of it in the trash when you get home. Baling twine can be handled much the same way. Simply collect the baling twine, wrap it up, put it in garbage bags and take it to the nearest landfill. If you own a large area of land, collecting baling twine can be a bit more challenging. You may want to consider inviting scout groups and other volunteer groups in your area to help. A nationwide problem Utah isn’t the only place where baling twine and fishing line pose a threat to wildlife. For example, biologists in Montana made an astonishing discovery in the Missoula Valley—more than 95 percent of the osprey nests they visited in the valley had baling twine in them. In other areas in the country, studies have found that 10 percent of the osprey nestlings in these areas die after becoming entangled in baling twine. In one nest, researchers found more than a quarter of a mile of baling twine within the nest material! My husband was happy I found this bit of advice, beings he’s a chocolate-milk drinker. The word is that there are some breakfast drinks that go better with certain foods. Like drinking coffee or orange juice with hotcakes or waffles flooded with sweet syrup. The acidity of the drinks and the sweetness of the syrup make the drinks taste rather bitter. So it is that a better choice is milk or, fudging a little bit, chocolate milk or hot chocolate. Another suggestion would be a smoothie made with yogurt, if you had time to make it. I have yeast stored in my refrigerator for the whenevers I might need it. It has been there a long time, so how do I know it is still good? Well, I could stir one teaspoon of sugar into 1/4 cup warm water in a large measuring cup (don’t use hot water, or it will surely kill it). If it bubbles after about 10 minutes and has a strong yeasty smell, it is good to use. If you are a tea drinker results of puzzle from MARCH 5 and have noticed certain containers or cups looking discolored, drop in a denture tablet designed to clean false teeth. Let it sit overnight or longer and your cup will be clean looking again. This hint might save a few cents. I often buy cottage cheese and forget I have it. I found a suggestion from Heloise in the Newspaper that said if you store it upside down in the refrigerator that it will last longer. Worth a try. |