Show u r r sJ mr s- s J r I J New Fable tf ff fi Susan and anda a 0 t i j the Daughter tt ra and the ther J I. I I r- r i I Granddaughter t 1 I I J if 1 I t I r I By By- GEORGE ADE t If Copyright 1 br by 1 Newspaper eradicate Once there was a Ii full-blown full Wild Peach registered in the Family Bible as Susan Mahaly Her Pa divided his time between collecting at a Toll Gate and defend defend- lug ing the Military y Reputation of Andy Jackson The family dwelt in what was then regarded by Cambridge Mass as the t Twilight Zone of Semi Culture viz r County Pennsylvania 1 Susan wore Woolsey LInseY-Woolsey from L Monday to Saturday She never never had tampered wit with her Venus de MIlo Topography and arid she did not even sus sus- sus peet that Women Women f Nerves When she was seventeen she had a ar a r Fore-Arm Fore like a Member of the Turn- Turn L' L ere in She knew how to Card and Weave y and Dye Also she could make Loose Looser i r r Soap In a kettle out in the Open Air Susan never fell ll down on her Salt Salt- 2 aIt- aIt Rising Bread Her Apple Butter was always Al AI It was commonly agreed that sh she would make some Man a good Housekeeper Housekeeper Housekeeper House House- keeper for she was never sickly and could stay slay on her Feet sixteen hours s at t a Stretch Already she was beginning to look lookdown lookdown iP down the Pike for a regular Fellow In the year 1840 the Lass of seventy seven- seven ty t teen who failed to get her Hooks on some some come roaming specimen of the Opposite Opposite a site Gender was in danger of being J whispered about as an Old Maid Celibacy Celli Cell Cell- i- i bacy was listed with Arson an and Manslaughter Manslaughter Man Man- slaughter Rufus was destined to be an Early t Victorian Rummy but he could lift a Saw-Log Saw and he would stand without being hitched so Susan Susa i nai bailed d him tie the third time tim he came snooping around the Toll Rufus did did not have a Window to hoist or a Fence to lean on But there is no Poverty in any Pocket of ot the Universe until Wealth arrives t and begins to get Luggy Sus Susan n thought she was playing In rare Luck to snare a Six-Footer Six who owned a good Squirrel Squi Rifle and could out oth all Comers The Hills of ot P Pennsylvania were becoming becoming be- be ft coming congested with Neighbors not noti k i more than two or three miles apart so Rufus and his Bride decided to hit hita a New Trail into the Dark Timber and grow up with the Boundless West Relatives of the Young Couple staked them to a team of a Cow a Bird Dog of dubious Ancestry Ancestry Ancestry An An- an Axe and a S Skillet Skillets lIe and andi i started them over the Divide toward the perilous Frontier away out yen yen- enI en I der in It was a Hard Life As they trundled trun trun- dIed slowly over the rotten Roads toward to toward to toward ward the Land of Promise they had hadr r to subsist largely on Venison Pral- Pral PrairIe Prairie rie Chicken Qu Quail il Black Bass Ber Ber- Ties ries and Wild Honey They carried their own Coffee Arrived at the tho Off Jumping Place they settled down among the Musk Rats Rufus hewed out and jammed together a little two by twice voice Cabin with the Flue running up the outside It looked ornery enough to be bethe bethe e eth th the Birthplace of almost any Successful Success Success- IiI ful American The rTh Anopheles Anopheles' Mosquito was waiting waiting wait wait- ing for tor the Pioneers In those good old Fever and days no one one ever blamed d it on the Female of the des cies Those who had the Shakes allowed allowed allowed al al- al- al lowed that the they were being jarred by bythe bythe the Hand of Providence When the family ran low Jow on Quinine all he had to do was to hook up and drive fifty miles to the nearest Town Town where he would trade the Furs for tor Necessities such as Apple Jack and Navy Twist and possibly a few Luxuries Luxuries Luxuries Lux Lux- uries such as Tea and Salt SaltOn On one of these memorable Trips to the Store a Mood which combined Sentiment and reckless Prodigality seized upon him He thought of the brave Woman who was back there in the lonesome Shack shooing the Prairie Wolves away from the Cradle and he resolved to reward her With only three Gills of Stone Fence under the he spread his Wild-Cat Wild Currency on the Counter Counter Counter Coun Coun- ter and purchased a 6 Clock with saw jig ornaments a shiny coat of Varnish and a Bouquet of Pink Roses on the door Susan burst into Tears when she saw it on the Wall alongside of the Turkey Wing and vowed that she had j married the Best Man in the World Twenty wenty years later Jennie the first begotten Chick at at- atthe the Log House in inthe inthe inthe the Clearing had matured and married married married mar mar- ried and was living at the County County- Seat with H Hiram iram Money Changer and Merchant Railroad Trains Side-Bar Side Buggies Oil Coal lamps and the Civil War had come along with a Rush and disarranged disarranged disarranged ranged primitive Conditions The Frontier had retreated away away over into Kansas In the very township where of lat late the Beaver had toiled without Hindrance Hindrance Hindrance Hin Hin- drance and the Red Fox dug his hole people were now now eating Cove Oysters and going to see East EastLynne EastLynne EastLynne Lynne Hiram was in rugged Health hav hav- ing defended the flag by Proxy during during during dur dur- dur- dur ing the recent outcropping of Acrimony Acrimony Acrimony Acri Acri- mony between the Devotees of Cold Bread and and the slaves of Hot Biscuit The Substitute had been perforated beyond beyond beyond be be- yond repair at the Battle of Kenesaw Mountain proving that Hiram made madeno no mIst mistake ke in remaining behind to tend Store When Jennie moved in where she ahe could hear the Trains whistle and began began be be- gan to sport a Cameo Brooch she could barely remember w wearing earing a Slip and having Stone Bruises Hiram was Near but he would loosen up a trifle for tor his own Fireside The fact tact that Jennie was his Wife gave her quite a Standing with him He admired her for having made such sucha a Success of her Life They dwelt in a two-story two Frame with countless and bobs jobs tacked along the Eaves and Scalloped Scalloped Scalloped loped around the Bay Day Windows The country people who came In to see the Eighth Wonder of the World used to stand in silent A Awe we breathing through tl their Noses Out Ou on the Lawn surrounded by Geraniums Geraniums Geraniums' was a Iron Cast-Iron Deer which seemed to be looking at the Court House in a startled Manner It was was that kind of a Court HouseIn House In her Front Room the daughter of Rufus lufus and Susan had wonderful Wax Flowers sprinkled with with Diamond Dust a What-Not What bearing Mineral Specimens Shells Conch-Shells and a a Star 6 7 fr M i- d. d r I A 4 I j J. J J s H f A All AH the to Local Gallants With Cocoa Oil In Their Hair Hair and Rings on onA I It hg t L Their cravats Backed Into the Shrubbery t k j t I M 1 l lM J j i At 4 0 t I 1 ova I The Groom Wore a Swallow Swallow Tall TaiL I Fish Fish also also some Hair Cloth Furniture very slippery and upholstered with Sand After Hiram gave her the Black Dlack Silk and paid for the Crayon Enlargements of her Parents Jennie did not have havethe havethe havethe the Face to to Bone him for anything g more but she longed in secret and Hiram suspected Jennie was a Soprano Not a regular regular regular reg reg- ular Soprano but a Town Country-Town Soprano Soprano So So- Soprano of ot the kind often used for augmenting augmenting augmenting aug aug- the Grief at a Funeral Her voice came from a point about two I inches above the Right Eye She had assisted a Quartet to do things to Juanita and sometimes she tossed out hints about wishing she could practice at Home Jennie was wasa a Nice Woman but she did need Practice tice Although Hiram was tighter than the Bark of a Sycamore he liked to have other Women envy the Mother Iother of his Children n. n When he spread himself from a Shin Plaster he expected a Fanfare of Trumpets It took him a long time to unwind the String from the Wallet but he i would Dig if he thought he was was' boosting boostIng boosting boost boost- ing his own Game By stealthy weighting short of the Country Country Trade Trad and and h holding out on the Assessor he succeeded In n salting away numerous Kopecks in one corner of the S Safe fe While in Chicago to buy his Winter Stock he bargained for two days and finally bought a Cottage Melodeon with the Stool thrown in Jennie would sit up and pump for Hours at a time happy In the knowledge knowledge knowl know 1 edge that she had drawn the Capital Prize in the Lottery of Hymen In the year 1886 there was some Church Wedding at the County Seat Frances daughter of Hiram and Jennie Jennie Jen Jen- nie had knocked the Town a Twister when she came home from the Female College wearing Bangs and toting a Tennis Racquet All the local Ga Gallants with with Cocoa Cocoa- Oil ou in their hair and Rings on their Cravats backed into the Shrubbery Hiram had bought her about 1800 worth of Hauteur at the select Institution Institution Institution of Learning All she had to do was look at a Villager through her Specs Nose and he would curl up like lilea I an Autumn Leaf I A Cuss from Chicago came to see her every few weeks His Trousers seemed to be choking him ilm him The Pompadour was protected by jy a Derby of the Fried Fried Egg Egg species It i was the kind that Joe Weber helped to o keep in Public Remembrance But Dut Butin in n 1886 Is was vas de Rigour au Fait Falt and a la Mode Frances would load the the- accursed City Chap into the high Cart and exhibit exhibit exhibit ex ex- hibit him up and down all the tile Residence Residence Residence Resi Resi- dence Thoroughfares On nearly every Front Porch some Girl whose Father was as not Interested in the First National Bank would peer out through the Morning Glories at atthe atthe atthe the Pageant and then writhe like an Angle Angie The Wedding was the biggest thing that had struck the town since Forepaugh Forepaugh Forepaugh Fore Fore- paugh stopped over on his way from Peoria to Decatur Frances was not a popular Girl on account of being so so those who could not fight their way into the Church cUm climbed bed up and looked through the Windows 1 1 T The Groom wore a Swallow Most of those present had bad seen Pictures Pictures Pictures Pic Pic- tures of the Dress Suit In the Fir Fireside Fireside Fire Fire- side Companion the Gentleman wearing wearing wearing wear wear- ing one always had Curls and the Wood good Wood Engraving caught him in th the act of striking a a a Lady in the Face and saying Curse you The Feeling at the Seat County-Seat was that Frances had tak taken n a Des Des- Desperate Aerate Chance The Caterer with Colored Help H lp in White Gloves the ruby Punch sus sus- suspected suspected of containing Liquor the Japanese Japanese Japanese Jap- Jap Jap Jap- anese Lanterns attached to the Maples the real Lace in the Veil Vell the gUttering glittering glitter gUtter ing log Array of Pickle-Jars Pickle and a well- well defined Rumor that most of the imported imported imported im im- im- im ported Ushers Ushers' had been Stewed g gave ve the agitated Hamlet something to blat about for many and many a day The Bachelor of Arts grabbed off by the daughter of Jennie and the granddaughter of Susan was the owner of Real Estate In the congested Business District of a Town which came into Public Attention later on through the efforts of Frank Chance His front name was Willoughby but Frances always called him Dear no matter what she happened to be thinking thinking think think- ing at the time Part of State Street had been wished on to io Willoughby H He was was' fr id to sell not knowing how to reinvest So he sat back and played safe With growing Delight he watched the Unearned Increment piling up on every every every ev ev- ery Corner He began to to see that he would be fairly busy all his life lIte jacking jacking jacking jack jack- ing up Rents The Red Red Brick Brick Fortress to which he conducted Frances had Stone Steps in front and a secret Entrance for lowly at the rear Willoughby and his wife had the high courage of Youth and the Financial Financial Finan cial Support of all the Money Spenders Spend Spend- ers along State Street so they started started start start- ed pd in on Period Decoration Each room in the House was supposed to stand fo for a Period Perio Some of them stood for a good deal A few of the Periods looked like Exclamation Exclamation Points Point The young joung couple disregarded the Toll Toll Gate Gate Period and the Log Log Cabin Cabin Period but they worked in every everyone one of the Louies until the Gilt Furniture gave out The delighted Caller at the House beside the Lake would pass from an East Indian Corridor through an au Early Colonial Ante Room Ante Room into a Japanese Boudoir and after resting his Hat would be escorted into the Italian I Renaissance Drawing Room to meet the Hostess From this exquisite Apartment which ate up one years year's Rent of a a- popular Buffet near Van VanBuren VanBuren Bui Buren en Street there could be o obtained a a ravishing glimpse of of the Turkish Cozy Cozy Corner Corner beyond ine including luding the Battle-Axes Battle and the Red Lamp Frances Prances soon coon began to nob with the most mo t delicatessen Circes es including in ing Families that dated back to the Fire of 1871 She was not at all an Dizzy even whey when she looked down from the Mountain Mounta Mountain Moun Moun- ta tain tain I Peak at her y Birthplace feet below Willoughby turned out to be a satisfactory satisfactory satisfactory satis satis- factory His Voltage was not high but he always ate Peas with a Fork and never pulled at the Leash when taken to a Musicale II In front of each Ear he he- carried a 1 1 neat Area of ot Human Ivy so that he f r J 1 4 I oJ 1 1 JI could speak up at a Meeting of ot tors tore Until the year 1895 the restricted restrict restrict- ed Whisker Side-Whisker was an accepted Trade-Mark Trade of Commercial Probity This Facial Landscaping the Frock Coat and a steadfast devotion to Toilet Toilet Toilet Toil Toil- et Soap made him hint suitable for ExhIbition Exhibition Exhibition Ex Ex- Ex- Ex Purposes Frances became m. m almost fond of him after the Honeymoon evaporated and their Romance ripened into Acquaint Acquaint- It was a gladsome day for both when she traced the Dope back through County Pennsylvania and discovered that she was an to honest-to- goodness Daughter of ot the American Revolution Will Willoughby could not ask a representative representative representative of old good-old Colonial Stock to ride around in a stingy Coupe with witha I Ia a Coon plant planted d out on on the Weather- Weather Seat He changed the Terms in several Leases and was enabled to slip her a ahot ahot ahot hot Surprise on the Birthday When she c came down own the Steps for forthe forthe forthe the usual bowl along the Avenue so as to get some Fresh Smoke she beheld beheld beheld be be- held helda a tired rubber Victoria drawn by two two expensive sive Tails Bang in jIngly i Harness and surmounted by important import import- ant Turks in hi overwhelming Livery She was so with vilh Delight that she went right over to Willoughby Willough Willough- by and gave him a Sweet Kiss after looking about rath rather r carefully for the exposed portion of the Frontispiece Frances did a lot of Calling within the next two weeks and to all those who remarked upon the smartness of the Equipage she declared that the theMan theMan theMan Man she had to put up with carried earned a a Throbbing Heart even if h he was an Intellectual Midge In the year 1913 a slender Young Thing all of off whose Habiliments seemed melting and dripping downward downward down down- ward came wearily from Stateroom I B. B as the Train pulled |