Show retribution ON THE SPOT the noise made by the burglar in the ferguson pantry alight as it was dis the light sleeper in the bedroom not far away and the midnight carau marau er was surprised a moment later to find himself covered with a big revola er in the hands of a determined look g man in a long white robe I 1 hain t done bothin but eat a few cold victuals mister stammered the burglar I 1 see sternly replied george fer guson you have been eating the re mains of a strawberry shortcake my wife made tor my dinner last night do you know what I 1 m going to do with you turn me over to the police I 1 s pose gasped the helpless thief worse than that said ferguson with a ferocious grin I 1 m going to make you eat a quart of health food it s a new kind my wife heard of and fixed up for us yesterday and it s pretty dry eating but you 11 eat every particle of it or bore six holes through you there it is in that big bowl turn yourself loose on it with grim determination the indig nant householder stood over him till it was finished after which he picked up the luckless scoundrel who had fallen exhausted to the floor and threw him out of the open pantry window it may kill him soliloquized mr ferguson somewhat remorsefully as he crawled back into bed without disturb ing the rest of the family but a man who breaks into another man s house takes his life in his hand anyway chicago tribune JACK WAS ALWAYS FREE from the london tit bits A day or so ago a sailor entered a well known bank in hull having got fair ly inside he hailed the clerk with what cheer mateya how s your business doing heya the clerk who was all things to all men replied blandly that business was not so brisk but doubtless would improve and asked the briny one what be could do for him out came a check from the tars pocket pay to bearer and he handed it to the clerk with a chuckle the fruits of being a steady young man an there s more where that come from for I 1 ve had several years cruising round chany and not tor nothing after scanning the check the clerk asked the usual inquiry how will you have it sir the salt hesitated a moment then leaned over the counter and said in a hoarse whisper well matey I 1 don t want to be hard on yer gamme ten pun now and take the rest a pun a week GOT THE MONET from the london answers A hen ley man has a son aged 6 who re bently clamored for money after the manner of small boys what do you want to do with ita asked bis father oh nothing responded the boy indefinitely you have plenty of spending bonev and I 1 buy you everything you need or ought to want unless there Is some special reason I 1 can t let you have it there isn t any reason is there not exactly but I 1 want it you know how it is papa you were a lit tie boy once this appeal failed to move the pa ter s heart so the youthful diplomat said papa suppose I 1 was to meet a high wayman in a lonely street late at night yes my son and suppose he should pull out a pistol and say little boy your money or your life what could I 1 doa SCOTCH WIT from spare moments A drunken irishman was once lodged in the cell of a scotch country police station when he made a tremendous noise by kicking the cell door with his heavy hob nailed boots the constable who had charge of the police station going to the cell door opened it a little and said man ye pit aff yer aults an gle them a bit rub so that ye 11 be respectable when ye come up afore the baille the morn the prisoner flattered at the re quest at once complied and saw his mistake only when the constable shut the door upon him saying coolly ye can kick awa noo my man as lang as ye like VICTIM did any one ever read his playa 0 yes indeed he made bla wife read it abear AGAINST THE I 1 had a funny dream last night said the young man to his father whose income was 19 an hour it seemed that you had decided not to build libraries or universities that would serve to perpetuate your mem ory but instead had made up your mind to withdraw from business to just pull out with your and let somebody else have the same kind of a chance that you had when you started and the richest man in the country was worth only about then after throwing off all these cares you got to filling your pockets with money and going around hunting for people who really needed a lift aad every little while it seemed that you would run across somebody who was just about to be compelled to give up the struggle and you d give him enough to set him on his feet or at least to make him comfortable in hia last hours and then you d stand bach and smile and seem to enjoy yourself seeing the joy you had given to others sometimes you would fairly yell with delight at the good things you had done and one of these outbursts ed so real that it actually woke me up great heavens the troubled mag nate exclaimed that gasn wasn t a dream your mother had an uncle that went insane I 1 ve alv ays been afraid it might crop out again and now my worst tears ire realized here help help record herald LONG DISTANCED smithers an athletic look ing chap walks like a long distance pedestrian wonder if he is no hes a long distance SM misunderstood from the boston advertiser I 1 was walking in the direction of a certain hospital the other morning when I 1 no a little girl some alve or six years old toddling along at my heels when ever I 1 stopped she stopped and wait ed for me until I 1 started on again well bess I 1 queried she looked coyly down at a pair of ragged shoes what do you wanta A cent I 1 ventured she shook her head I 1 wants to toller yer to der hospital all right come along I 1 answer ed but what are you afraid of I 1 m a scared to go alone so I 1 fol lers some one scared of what der salvation armory she answered dey ketches yer and brings yer in ter der armory house an den dey says yer my chile an so I 1 m scared WHY 1 englishman DIDN T pretty angelina Swizzle blossom had fallen from her wheel and sprained her wrist and augustus her manly escort was kneeling by her side endeavoring to bind a chandker chief about the disabled member hubber neck rubber neck yelled a nearby newsboy to a passing wheelman who turned to look back at the pathetic scene but her neck lant hurt don t you know replied the as augustus and the newsboy went and pounded his head against a lamp post LITTLE neighbor I 1 saw the doctor at door this morning Is any one nellie aged 5 yes m papa s got the exclamatory rheumatism neighbor oh no you mean inflammatory rheumatism nellie well anyway he just hollers all the time I 1 m very much afraid never meet L i in heaven johnny gald a sunday school teacher to a ous buil why exclaimed the in bouth what have you been doing nowa AT CHICAGO first attendant well that a the most discouraging thing I 1 ve heard yet second attendant what s that first attendant here a a man from jersey city who says he d rather b home accounting I 1 OB THE EXPENSE mrs the sultan of turkey spends thirty eight millions ol 01 dollars a year on his household mrs he uses ice probably falie teeth the baltimore dental college the oldest dental college in the world has in its possession one of the most in te resting relics of george washington this relic Is a set of artificial teeth made by dr greenwood a dentist who was also an officer in the continental army the teeth were worn for som time by gen washington dr green wood afterward made the general a second set which he wore until his death which was burled with him the first set was afterward presented to the dental college by dr green wood As much as 5 has been of for this set of teeth but the tac alty of the college refused the offer the teeth were exhibited at the world s fair in 1893 and attracted much attention baltimore sun oatmeal gruel mix two tablespoonfuls of fine oatmeal with a pinch of salt and a attle cold milk when quite smooth pour into it half a pint more put it in a milk sa scepan over the fire and stir all the time after it comes to the boiling point stir in another quarter of a pint of cold milk and boll for a quarter of an hour it liked sweeten with sugar and a small pinch of cinnamon some prefer to use salt if made in this way the gruel Is dell clous and is a soothing remedy for a bad cold GREAT SILK PRODUCERS china still easily leads the world in he production of raw silk europe ranking next with about half the pro of china and japan making a close third in 1899 the exports from were 16 pounds and from jan 7 pounds the en tire production of was pounds divided as follows taly 6 pounds france 1 6 pounds austria hungary pounds and spain pounds li |