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Show www.thespectrum.com — The Spectrum ST. GEORGE NEIGHBORHOODS For the week of November 21, 2008 — LZ. Holidays and humor go together like... I n the opening stanza of one of TS. Elliot's more famous poems he uses a simile comparing the evening to a patient etherized upon a table — and with Thanksgiving fast approaching now is as good a time as any to © provide some simile-rich Thanksgiving-type helpful tips. My thinking is that if Elliot could become famous using similes like the etherized patient line, then maybe, I too can become famous by using clever Thanksgiving similes in my column — like a turkey searching for a chopping block. Thanksgiving has attained its tremendous popularity because of two well known phenomena that go together like poison ivy and an itch — On this special holiday guests are thankful they don’t have to cook, and hosts are equ as grateful they don’t have to travel — it’s truly a holiday in which a lifetime of eating is a day. Note to reader. This column not only uses similes like a bird uses swim fins, but it also incorporates metaphors — Because this column is a pumpkin in a sea of rhubarb pie. My first helpful Thanksgiving tip is for coffee drinkers. When you brew your coffee on Thanksgiving morning, mix one part of roasted South American coffee beans with a tablespoon of cream, two teaspoons of sugar, and a handful of Mexican Jumping beans. This mix of coffee doesn't really taste all that great, but at least it stirs itself — Like a hen laying an egg during a tornado. a For those readers who would like to sample something new on Thanksgiving, keep in mind that about 87 percent of all living things have yet to be scientifically John Carter So. Utah Ponderings classified — and many of them are delicious — not to mention that many people believe that newly discovered animals taste like a toasted dodo bird sandwich to a Woolley Mammoth. With the economy being a tad slow these days, many people who can’t find an unclassified animal to dine on, will appreciate the following food-stretching tips... Did you know that turkey will go a lot furtherif you serve it frozen like ice cream; and that a’‘single pumpkin pie will serve over 35 people if you don't remove the skin from the pumpkin before making the pies filling. If you are dining with non-relative guests this Thanksgiving, the following Thanksgiving etiquette tip may also be helpful: When serving fine wines or other spirits, always let your guests take the first swig — Not unlike Dionysus at an AA meeting. (Note to reader: The preceding simile would be much funnier if people actually knew that Dionysus is the Greek god of wine, parties, and merriment in general.) For those fortunate enough to eat at a fancy restaurant on Thanksgiving, remember that standing in line at a buffet that is almost out of food is like trying to pet a burning cat — And if the restaurant you plan on frequenting for Thanksgiving is in a seedier part of town, you might want to call ° ahead and ask what their policy is regarding concealed weapons. (SorryI couldn't find an apprepry ate metaphor or simile for the concealed weapon line — but it seemed funny to me anyway.) If unwelcomed visitors show up at your home right before the big meal — that can easily be compared to a cornucopia of food items found in the dumpster behind your local food store — and the best way to get unwanted company to leave before the big meal is to simply ask them this question, “So, do you prefer white meat, dark meat, or green meat?” As you can see, aAcko. Withne Uy) 1 ( Get One ROP 435-673-5504 (loser f oe ANY ONET ITEM’ I Bs ad ss = ae car garage, Thanksgiving is a holiday where we as Americans can eat like a bear getting ready for winter. That being said I need to caution all readers who have made it this far into my column: This column is so full of hot air that by simply tying ropes to it, it can be used like a float in the upcoming Macy’s Day parade. as Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone, and I hope all of your gettogethers are like BlackFriday... In a good way! |