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Show DAILY 6 The Foolish Dictionary The latent In the world of humor Is The Foolish Dictionary," to which Gideon Wurds confesaes authorship. It la evident that the name Is a noin de filurne, hut that la no detraction from the book, which is certainly one of th erlchest things in the way of satirical humor which has appeared in a long time. Mr. Wurds dedicates his dictionary to his dog and describes himself as "Master of Folly, Doctor of Loquiiclous Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal Gibe Society." The following sample definitions are from the dictionary, which is published in Boston by the Robinson Luce company: Latin two ABSINTHE From words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning, "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the Jag last longer.) -- ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-labut impossible to disFamous as the one of yourself. pose blessed to give "More Is which it thing than receive." old GOOD ADVICE Something , men give young men when they can no longer give them a bnd example. BERTH An aid to sleep, Invented by Pullman. Lower preferred. BIRTH An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred. BILIOUSNESS A llvfcr complaint often mistaken for piety. BOHEMIA (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and distilled honey and untroubled by conor conscience sistency, convention, cash. A land to which many are called and few chosen. BOODLE Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in by the w, Graft family. BRANI Something carried on the Can beast or man. either hip, by be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the Inside of a long black bottle. CAPTIVATE From Latin Caput head, and English vacate, or empty to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men. The one place where CEMETERY and porters and prespaupers, princes idents are finally on the dead level. that stuff CHAMPAGNE The makes the world go round. Is who CHAUFFEUR A man smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough' not to own one. CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours. COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again. From English con COMPLIMENT Latin and hot air. pleo, to fill. Hence to fill with hot air. COMMENDATION From English con, a Josh, and mend, to fix up. hence a fixed-u- p Josh, CONSCIENCE found out. CREDULITY The fear of A feminine being virtue and a masculine vice. the CYNIC A man who knows of value the of and everything price nothing. ' DABBLE To play In water. DABBLE IN STOCKS Same thing. DATES A fruit commonly plucked from the Family Tree and spread on the leaves of history. (Distance be-- 1 tween a Dates and Peaches, which are often associated.)) DEADBEAT One who makes a soft living by sponging it. DEMOCRACY A mysterious country, bounded on the east by Richard Olney, on the west by Willie Bryan. on the north by Dave Hill and on the south by Bennie Pitchfork Tillman. DIAMOND A bright gem the sparrenders a kle of which sometimes to the defects of woman stone-blin- d thQ, man proffering It. DIPLOMAT An International liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubt ber neck. DISCRETION An Instinctive ception that enables us to say, Oh, shut up!" to the small weak man, and I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the Inrge strong one. DREAM What a mnn may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested It. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mar- e, and both because they go by con- is often found where It does not ex 1st. FLAT A series of pudded cells, commonly found in cities. In which are who confined harmless monomaniacs a to be Box. Home Sardine Imagine FOOTBALL A clever . subterfuge for carrying on prise fights under the guise of a reputable game. FOREIGNER One who la eligible to the police force. From Greek fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils. FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows patiently listens to a fool who does not. A black substance GUNPOWDER much employed in marking the bounds y line of nations. HELL Poverty. HOUSE CLEANING A domestic upheaval that makes it easy for the government to enlist all the soldiers it needs. LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary and involuntary, superinduced by a canca-tenHtl- STATE JOURNAL, MONDAY, JUNE 6, 1904. Our June Sale Will Commence Monday Your Ice Free Carpets Alaska Refrigerator For One Month With Every THAT IS PURCHASED FROM US COMMENCING TODAY AND END-INJUNE 15TH WE WILL FUR NISH G GoCarts Your Ice Free for a Month STAND BEHIND b h THE WE WILL Hammocks IN GUARANMANUFACTURER TEEING THE "ALASKA" TO BE BEST THE REFRIGERATOR ON THE MARKET. WHY? BECAUSE IT USES LESS ICE AND GIVES at considerably reduced prices . BETTER SATISFACTION ANY OTHER. THAN on of external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, face-tiVor fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachlnnatlon, giggle, gurgle, guffaw or roar. From Latin lego, LEGISLATURE to bring together, and latro, to bar or bluster; possibly from lex, law, and latens, unknown. Hence, a company of men brought together to bluster, or a company of law makers who know nothing about law. LIE A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered up to date. LIBRARY From French libre, name ANDY. and proper meaning free, Something free from Andy Carnegie. Is LOBSTER The edible lobster found off the New England coast. The species is found everywhere. All kinds are green, but when roasted they turn a bright red. Soubrettes are very dependent on both varieties for a living; together they furnish her with food, raiment, flats, diamonds, and occasionally Indigestion. LOBSTER-NEWBURG A dish ordered at hotels by those who usually get beans at home. MATRIMONY A game for women, In which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful. One who Is on speaking terms with the head waiter. MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar. OATS England's horse feed. Americas breakfast and Scotlands table d'hote. OUTSKIRTS The only garments which clothe many a metropolis with decency. PANTS Trousers Country Cousins. PARAGON The model man a woman regrets she gave up for the one she mistakenly marries. PASS A form of transportation issued to those who are quite able to pay. PASSENGER One who does not travel on a pass. (Antonym for Dead head.) From English pass, to go, and Greek endidomi, to give up. One who has to give up to go. ns two-legg- ed - FOR GROWN UPS AND CHILDREN Romping uses muscles In an unsystematic but a very thorough way. You cannot go through a vigorous pillow fight or a game of horse without using all the muscles of your body more or lees. Best of all deep breathing Is You find yourself out Of prompted. breath, as you call It, the lungs Inhaling and exhaling in deep breaths. This is excellent practice for them. Many people bteathe only superficially. The more you breathe deeply, the more you will do so. That Is, If you take & certain time each day to breathe vigorously that deeper breathing will soon become automatic, and you will find that you are practicing it when you do not intend to. The lungs grow used to expanding, and there Is noth ing they enjoy better once they have traries. ECHO The only thing that can learned the trick of It Boon you will see signs of the chest expanding, the cheat a woman out of the Inst word. bust a ourselves ECONOMY Denying growing higher and firmer. a in to order buy necessary today Have You a Cough? luxury tomorrow. A dose of Ballard's Horehound By FACE A fertile, open expanse, lying midway between collar button and rup will relieve It. Have you a cold? scalp, and full of cheek, chin and A dose of Herblne at bedtime and frechatter. The crop of the male face quent small doses of Horehound By1 is hair, harvested daily by a lather, rup during the day will remove It. or allowed to run to mutton chops, Try it for whooping cough, for asth spinach or full lace curtains. The fe- ma. for consumption, for bronchitis. male face product Is powder, whence Mrs. Joe McGrath, 117 East First the expression, "Shoot off your face, street. Hutchinson, Kan writes: tEach .is supplied with lamps, snuffers have used Ballard's Horehound Syrup Kitd bread boxes.- - -- In 'mjr family for 5 year,' and find It FAME! A brand of cigars named the best and most palatable medicine I ever used." 25e, 50c and 91. Sold after you. FAULT About the only thing that by Geo. F. Cave, druggist. .I - UTAH E QUEER PROTEST DEMOCRATICSTATE CONVENTION A DEMOCRATIC STATE CONVEN-tlo- n Is hereby called to meet at the OBJECT TO 60UTHERN TIME TABLE. PACIFIC Owners of Monts Carlo Resorts Claim Company Conspires Against Thsir Industry." r3C TWO GOOD TIMES Salt Lake theater, Salt lake City, Utah, on Thursday, June 9, 1904, at 10:80 oclock a. m., for the purpose ot electing six delegates and six alternates to the national Democratic convention and for the transaction of such other business as may come before the convention. The chairmen of the several counties are hereby requested to make the necessary arrangements for the election of delegates to the state convention In their respective districts and to forward at as early a date as possible to the secretary of the state committee a list of the delegates elected to the state convention. The apportionment to the several counties Is as follows: 10 Beaver Box Elder 18 Reno, Nev., has seven big gambling resorts whose proprietors are very much alive to their own interests. They are protesting against a new time table of the Southern Pacific company, because in their opinion It will not give prospective patrons of their places time to woo Dame Fortune, saya the San Francisco Examiner. A few days ago. In order to accommodate the Increased travel between this city and the new mining towns Cache 87 of Tonopah and Goldfields, in Neva6 Carbon to on a the railroads train da, put 19 Davis , leave Reno at ! p. m. daily for this 10 Emery city, and one from here at .8:05 p. m. 1 Garfield 6 The former makes close connection 8 Grand with the rail and stage route from 9 Iron Tonopah and Goldfields, so the pros20 Juab perous miners from those places do Kane 8 not have to stop over eeven or eight 12 Millard hours at Reno, as was formerly the case. Through the Southern Pacific 5 Morgan Reno at 4 Piute the have ask agent gamblers ed Manager James Alger and General 5 Rich 124 Salt Lake Passenger Agent T. H. Goodman to discontinue the night train from Re San Juan 2 no, and thus force and San Pete Tonopah 86 Goldfields miners to wait over at Re Sevier 16 no from I p. m. to 1 o'clock In the . Summit 18 morning. Tooele 12 The owners of the resorts insist that 7 Uintah the new train means a loss to their Utah 64 business of 830,000 a month, and that Wasatch 11 the company has no right to use their 13 Washington own language to conspire against 4 . Wayne their industry." They consider their Weber 50 business a legitimate one, and claim they have a right to some of the Total ..... 524 wealth' of the people from the mining The committee has arranged for a camps, instead of having the latter rate on all railroads of one fare for the rushed through to San Francisco to round trip, tickets on sale June 8th, spend their all. The protests of the Western Monte good returning June 11, 1904. By order of the Democratic State Carloltes has been forwarded to Messrs. Harrlman and Stubbs, with committee. FRANK J. CANNON, Chairman. the recommendation that It be, igP. J. DALY, Secretary. nored. Alger and Goodman admit the Salt Lake City, Utah, April 80, 1901 receipt of the protest and Its reference to their eastern superiors, as Acute Rheumatism. mentioned. Deep tearing or wrenching pains, THE BRIEFEST SIGNATURE. occasioned by getting wet through; The shortest signature ever writ- worse when at rest, or on first moving ten in a Louisville hotel appeared on the limbs and in cold or damp weaththe Seelbach register last night . In- er, is cured quickly by Ballard's Snow cluding the name of his town and the Liniment Oscar Oleson, Gibson City, signature, William Williams, of New 111., writes, Feb. 16, 1902: "A year ago Tork only wrote four letters on the I was troubled wlthta pain In my back. book. It was like this: It soon got so bad I could not bend "W. Wins.," with a ditto mark un- over. One bottle of Ballards Snow der the word New Tork, which ap- Liniment cured me." 25c, 50c, 81. Sold peared on the line above. by Geo. F. Cave, druggist Mr. Williams Is not a large man and does not believe in a useless waste of HALF FARE RATES. energy. He believes In doing things For the occasion of the Democratic the shortest way. Louisville Herald. state convention In Salt Lake on June 9th the Rio Grande Western has A Boy's Wild Ride for Life. made a rate of one fare for the round With family round him expecting to Salt Lake and return. him to die, and a son riding for life, trip, Ogden These tickets will be placed on sale 18 miles, to get Dr. King's New DisJune 9th and will be good until June covery for Consumption, Coughs and 11th. Colds, W. H. Brown, of Leesvllle, Ind, endured deaths agonies from asthSPECIAL RATES VIA ma: but this wonderful medicine TEACHER'S R. G. W. gave Instant relief and soon cured 847.50 He writes: him. "I now sleep Chicago and return 42.50 8L Louis and return soundly every night" Like marvel42.10 ous cures of consumption, pneumoSt Paul and return nia, bronchitis, colds and Omaha, St Joseph, Kansas City. 25.00 coughs, Tickets on sale May 20th and list Its matchless merit for all grip prove throat and lung troubles. Guaran- and June 8th and 9th; good returning teed bottles 50c and 31. Trial bot- until September 15th. Stopovers altles free. Jesse J. Driver's drug lowed; transit limit ten days In each tore. direction. FOR YOU time A good Is to leave Salt Lake City for St Louis at 8:15 p. m., when the Burlington routes dally through sleeper leaves. No hasty breakfasting; no hurried packing; no running to catch early morning cars. A good time to arrive in St Louis is at 7:19 a. m., when the Burlington routes dally through sleeper gets there. Streets not so congested; hotels not so full; places not so hard to find. '3 Drop me a postal and I will write you all about it Ticket Office, 79 W. Second South R. F. NESLEN, General Agent, Salt Lake City. 3 8t J q Tlie Overland Route PATRONS OP THE Union Pacific Ralroad are assured that all human Ingenuity has been adopted to protect them against lions of accident Milby the lars have been dol-spe- In pany of Railroad Pacific Union nt Com-- 1 mporovement the ment Its equip line is renown This Jy ed for Its fast C OVT''-'"T,- , v their arrival and. trains on time, and the general superiority of Its service. TJnion.RUNSFeioifLo Three trains daily to the East, the fastest trains arriving many hours ahead of all competitors. Full information cheerfully furnished on application to & H. CORSE. - IT WILL PAY YOU TO 8ECURE COMPLETE INFOR- MATION ABOUT THE NEW SERVICE I. r ". . Union Pacific and Chicago, Milwaukee and St. Paul Line INFORMATION ETC - . IN REGARD TO RATES, STOP-OVERWILL BE GLADLY FURNISHED. C. S. WILLIAMS, 106 West Second South St., S, Commercial Agent, 5alt Lake City, Utah y |