OCR Text |
Show THE CITIZEN 8 HIMIMIMIIIIIIIIIMMUIIUIMlWIIMIIIIIIIIHIMIIIIMlIllllllllllMIIMIIMMMIHIIIIIIIIIIIIIHHIIIIIMMMIIINIMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIimilllllimHmMmilllllimiW OBSERVATION PLANE I LuHNIIMMMiniMMIHHMmillllllHMIMIIIIIIWiniliaUIIIHIIIIllUIIIIIUIIIHIIIIIIMUIIIUIIIIHIHIIHIUniltlllllltMItinUUUlHliafnilliailllllllllNUIIlUIHlUimHiniUlllHIHIIuM Here is a priceless secret going to Here is waste on mere gobs. Nine Noses Of Righteousness the name of the nine muses what is this new science of the nine noses? It is a mysterious, esoteric science which is by no means as plain as the nose on your face. TNf i The United States navy department, headed by Josephus Daniels and his brethren, have discovered that noses are an accurate index of character, so accurate that you cannot go wrong if once you have the sacred key of the nine noses. 'A circular letter sent to the recruiting stations guards the secret carefully. The nine noses are prominently displayed and each is said to be an index of character. Pictures of undesirable applicants are on file in the recruiting station, and the nine different shapes of facial proboces are to be used as indices to these pictures. When a man applies for enlistment the recruiting officer immediately examines the faces forward overhang and registers the applicant as desirable or undesirable for the profession of gob. The contour of your nose makes its own confession. Only the recruiting officer is supplied with the key to the nasal code. 6 " or If you have Nose only he can tell what it may mean. may indicate that you would not try to jump overboard if put on a submarine, but you will never know. Only the recruiting officer will know whether your nose has confessed you or a a goat. A-l- U-3- U-3- 6 land-lubb- er sea-goin- g But why should Josephus Daniels conceal this thrilling sea mystery? If by their noses ye shall know them and by your own nose be known, why not spill the secret so that all of us can read characters by the nose? Surely a nose is an index of something other than a mans ability to sniff salt air and endure an officers insults. If. a nose will reveal an honest sailor it will reveal an honest man. If it will tell whether a man can reef the binnacle and pipe the anchor on deck why will it not tell whether a man will forge checks or check forgeries? Why will it not tell you whether a customer will pay five dollars for a four dollar hat or ten dollars for a three dollar hat? Why will it not tell you whether the man you meet in tiie smoking compartment is going to ask you for a cigar or give you one? Josephus Daniels cataloguing noses to find Jack tars when he might be able to tell who will be the next president. And by the way, what kind of a nose has Josephus? Is it merely a nose that can catch the scent of booze five miles to the leeward when a warship heaves in sight or does it show that he will get the Democratic nomination for president at the next conveiu tion? By the nine muses and the nine noses Josephus ought to be given the water cure until he coughs up his secret. With it we can settle all the disputes between labor and capital; we can catch burglars, we can tell a bolshevik by his nose if he cuts off his whiskers, we can tell what Wilson thinks of Lansing and what Lansing says to himself about Wilson. In fact, we can discover all our undesirable citizens by their noses and deport them if the dont deport us. The I. W. W. Are In Revengeful I Mood 'T'HE wreck of the Park City pas-- A senger train, whether it was the work of the I. W. W., or not, is typical of their system. They and their anarchistic and Bolshevistic friends are trying to wreck civilization. Had the passenger train been overturned and fallen down the embankment to utter destruction, killing and maiming all its passengers, we should have had a symbol of what the communists are doing with Russia. Consensus of opinion among the intended victims, we are told, placed responsibility for the wreck on the radicals who were expelled recently from the Park City mining camp after trying vainly to cause a new strike. On the train were mine officials, loyal workmen and an injured miner being brought to a hospital. Skulking away amid the boulders three men were seen cowards, of course, and assassins. We do not wonder that the bitterest passions are stirred in the breasts of the I. W. W. revolutionaries. Their revolution and their one big strike have failed to shake even the least of America's foundations. In the Utah mining camps contented men have united to drive out the I. W. W. leaders and other revolutionaries. Had the revolution in Rufesla failed where it has succeeded and succeedeQ where it has failed, the I. W. W. propaganda would have had a wider vogud in beneficent America. The bad example of the Russian revolution was its success in militarism and despotism. Its achievements of this kind have been more notable than were the achievements of the czars and grand dukes. Indeed, it probably never occurred to the czars police to punish a mans family if he fled from service in the army. The Bolshevists have gone to such extremes of tyranny that if a man will not carry a rifle for Lenine and Trotzky and avoids service by flight his wife or children or parents, and probably all of them, pay the penalty. The Huns could think of nothing more cruel than to shield themselves from enemy bullets by a screen of Belgian women and children, but the Bolshevists have outdone them. BREAD! -- Had the Bolsheviki succeeded in building up a civil administration, an economic system and a social arrangement to operate efficiently in place of what they destroyed, the Russian revolution would have commended itself, more or less, to reformers everywhere! At the very least it would not have become, in the eyes of a?l decent men, a symbol of misery and filth. It was not to be expected, of course, that broken and bleeding Russia could have been restored in a day to health, or that standards of living which had been little above those of the animals, could have been elevated immediately to the level of standards of living in America. It was to be expected, however, of any worthy tsystem of reform tha chief faults of the old system would be corrected, but Russia, after several years of Bolshevism, is still ground down by booted and spurred militarism. More amazing still, the correspondent of a Netherlands newspaper, just back from Russia, tells the world that the Soviet government, instead of sweeping away classes, has introduced other classes and among them Salon Bolshevists and Bomb Bolshevists. The former are officers who served in the czars legions and are now serving the Soviet. The latter are the fanatical, sinister commissars and their followers. Thus there is an add- ditional aristocratic class and another poor class. It is a dreadful indictment for the very reason that, before the war, Russia had more extremes of luxury and misery than any state in Europe. It is this failure to make good in the only ways a revolution should The one food that all the ple want all the time. peo- mr substantial just Nutritious good. Give it. the lirst plain on your table. place No other food has the same food value as this really delicious loaf. Ask your grocer to send you a loaf today. Bread is your best food Eat more of it. ROlfALBESIEAB IfcEsl mother stop bddmq is always Pure. ROYAL BAKING CO. Salt Lake ll IWiHlli Ul mniUlUlHIUI HiIUUIHII HMI Nil liUHIIillllNIIIiaHIHUIUlilHUHHIHIf . Best For Your Children In their growing years butter is essential. No substitute can Put give them perfect growth. Maid oClover Batter on your ta- ble; its Pasteurized-Pur- e. Mutual Creamery Co. make good if it is to commend itself to the judgment of mankind that has been such a tremendous warning to the intelligent workmen of America. The American revolution not only expelled an ancient tyranny but it founded a republic with representative institutions that operated successful almost from the beginning. And uc the very outset orderly society was not disturbed. Washington and his associates did not wreck the whole country and subject it to squalor and misery as a prelude to reconstruction. They left what was good in the old system and builded benignly on that. The I. W. W. is in a revengeful mood as was demonstrated by the Centralia murders and, perhaps, by the wreck of the Park City trajjj! They are embittered because their revolution has not been able to keep any of its promises. It has not backed them up. Wherever they go preaching violence and anarchy sane workmen point at them the finger of scorn. |