OCR Text |
Show PAGE 10 THE ZEPHYR AUGUST 1992 some duct tape cm it to keep from he'd play you with foe digging end erf foe shovel, whidi had Uivv wild west stories by Robert Fulghum Seems like western heroes are mostly men. That is if you believe the movies and novels and histories. It's not surprising since middle-age- d white guys wrote the scripts for just about every kind of "western. The women in the stories were only incidentally heroic. Mostly because they stuck by their men. Even the goodhearted whores, the noble widows, the polygamous paramours are really not exceptions. Same story. Longsuffering ladies. And that's a lot of bovinefeces, if you want my opinion - (or even if you don't). Time to update the image. Here's Fulghum's nomination for a woman who should be in the Western Hall of Fame: Fannie A. Stevens. Never heard of her, have you? If you're a woman and live in the west, you ought to have a picture of her on your kitchen wall Fannie was bom in 1831 at New Harmony, Illinois. She coupled up with Lewis Stevens and they moved to the range country near Prescott; Arizona around 1864 and went to ranching cattle and raising kids. Her husband got himself elected to the Territorial Legislature. Which is where he was one September day in 1867 when 20 Yavapai Indians showed up at the ranch. They had not come to make a social call. They came to bum the ranch, steal the livestock, and take Fannie Stevens' scalp with them when they left, with or without Fannie Stevens attached to said scalp. Fannie barricaded herself in the ranch house. And with foe help of a hired man she stood off foe Native American charge with some deadly rifle fire. During a pause in the fracas she sent another hired man off to Prescott to get word to her husband. Did she want Mr. Stevens to come running with help? Nope. In her note die advised her husband that she was running out of ammunition and would he please send some bullets bade with the messenger, thankyouverymuch. And he did. And she finished the fight, made dinner, put her family to bed. and went cm to live a long and successful life. No man, white or brown or red or yellow ever messed with her again. When her husband died early on, she went to teaching school and probably didn't have much trouble with her students, either. True story. As reported in the newspaper, "Arizona Miner, Sept. 21, 1867. If you're a Western Woman, you ought to have a sign that says "Remember Fannie Stevens" hanging above the sink in your kitchen and everybody in the house ought to know who she ' is and why the sign is there. y movies. made See, John Wayne only hurting foe cue ball. leave weU enough alone. If you were smart, and you weren't one hell of a pool player, you'd But if you wanted to get a little And just offer to watch him dean somebody rise's house. mind losing $20, then you and didn't school in teach you high education of foe kind they don't could take him on. But he was nothing. I'm told his old lady was even better than he was she could do it with Stevens would Fannie ahead. balls approve. a broom or a mop - your choice, no to from hell and was one step away stay out of tjiem. But My mother told me that a pool hall if I could play pool with a shovd or a broom or a mop, I'd take my chances with the devil . I wonder what Fannie Stevens would have thought about three young women written up in a Los Angeles paper recently. College girls out from Illinois. Come west to LA to do the beach scene and had run out of money. So they'd taken to a modem version of stage coach robbery. bikinis. Until they found an They'd walk along the beach in the early evening, wearing skimpy old man walking alone. Then the best endowed erf the three would lift her They'd sashay up to him and say howdy. bikini top to reveal her breasts. While another one would kiss and fondle him a little bit The third one would take his wallet, remove some of foe cash, and put his wallet back. After they'd pulled this stunt several times, a lifeguard caught them at it They got off with a warning. Because none erf the old men would file charges. Now you might not approve of this. And Zane Grey probably would've fainted. I saw picking his dentures at foe truck stop wouldn't mind stall But I bet that old - . guy Grand Junction, Colorado, airport passenger terminal. Hot, hot, hot day in July. Men's room. "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" The adamant shout of a small child from within one of the toilet stalls. A softer, deeper, calmer voice follows the "NO'S" "Please. Just for Daddy." . NO!" "NO. . .please. JMO. The other men in the restroom turn their heads in unison toward this uproar with an unspoken "whathehdl" on their faces. In the open space under foe dosed door two sets of legs and shoes can be seen. One pair of skinny little legs ending in blade patent leather sandals. Another pair in bluejeans Oat end in polished brown cowboy boots. The drama continues. The male voice is desperate. "I know you have to go and if.you don't go now you'll have to go while we're standing in line or way up in the air and it's hard to go up there and if you mess your pants you'll have to take your pants off up there." "I won't" ' "What will your mother and grandmother think when we got off the plane and you've got ! 1... a mess in your pants?" .pJ.ae ' . "We're going to miss our plane if you don't go." i "I don't care." ' "Am I going to have to spank your ... "NO". "Then go - I'll buy you an ice cream." ' ' .. . . Same sights I've seen in Utah defy commentary. Not everything amazing out here is what you'd call scenery. At a truck stop cafe on the interestate up toward Salt Lake they offer "All the biscuits you can eat and a pitcher of pork chop gravy for 99 cents". It's a place where foe local old men's dub gathers for breakfast Stove-up- , withered old forts who drive pickups, wear their hats indoors, wipe their chins on their shirtsleeves, and their coffee. I was walking behind four of them as they finished up their slops, paid their 99 cents, and took toothpicks as they went through the door to stand out in the parking lot poking the bits of pork chop from between their teeth. One of them took out his full set of dentures, carefully raked them out with his toothpick. Inspected his teeth. Shoved them back in his mouth. Using foe same toothpick, he deaned some biscuit grime from under his fingernails. Stuck foe toothpick in his mouth. And limped off to . "NO" Speaking of envy. There's a guy who used to come into the pool hall part of the Outlaw Tavern in Moab. Before they tore it down and built a pissant motd on it He'd offer to play you left handed. Using a number five trenching shovel for a cue. If you'd give him 3 balls ahead. LIN OTTINGER'S tours & rock shop ' r'' ' "And a present" "NO" "And a dollar. saucer-and-blo- w his truck and drove away into the morning. Now there's an exit I envy. Don't think Roy Rogers would be able to do that Bet Dale wouldn't stand for it ' . "NO." "You..Jittle..You Aw HELL!" The stall door swings slowly open. The little girl -- about five -- lips puckered in fierce refusal marches out followed by a very large and very defeated man. Nobody pushes him around. Nobody tells him NO. But the kid has done it - and has not done It And there's going to be hdl to pay whenthey get off the plane in Denver. After they've left one erf the guys washing his hands says to the committee of Very Wise Men left behindin foe men's John: "Myself, I'd of give her a banana split two presents, a ten dollar biQ, and a Yewnited States Savin's Bond." And his buddy replies, "Yeah, and you'da lost too - all the jelly beans in Texas won't make a woman of any size gp to the terlet when die don't wanna - even the little ones is tough out here." Much nodding as foe men filed out of foe gents. One of Fannie Stevens' smallest distant cousins, most likely. |