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Show PAGE 8 THE ZEPHYR APRIL 1995 look, I decided it was time to stop being the Bad gave me her Samaritan. I consulted several experts: a clerk at an auto parts emporium, a woman at a rescue truck, my friend Fred at my local gas station, battery store, a driver for a AAA and a 17 year old kid who builds hotrods. They all gave me the same instructions. So, information. Attend carefully 1 will elaborate: this is high-en- d metal clothes line won't do. First, always use battery cables. Speaker wire or Second, make sure the two cars are close, but not touching, with power off. Third, attach red clamp to the good car battery on side of battery with . Fourth, attach red clamp to side of bad battery. Third, attach black clamp to - side of good battery. Fourth, attach black clamp to engine block of car with dead battery. ask? If there is a spark when (Why not to the minus side of the bad battery, you attaching the last cable the old battery is emitting fumes, you might cause an cable away from the battery explosion and damage parts of you. Grounding the avoids this possibility.) When everything is connected, pray. Start the engine of the car with the good battery, wait a little, then start the car with the dead battery. Wait a little again to give the dead battery some life. At this point, you may want to jump up and down, shout for joy, and thank Almighty God that it worked and nobody is dead or humiliated, most of all you. Then reverse the order in which you made the connections: black block off, black - off, red bad off, red good off. If this doesn't work, call your mom. She probably knows more about what to do next than your Dad does. He'll just give you a lot of voodoo moves that used to work on his old truck back when he was in high school. She'll tell you to call AAA or a tow truck. Using modem memory techniques, I haw reduced my mantra to even simpler information: "Aretha Franklin, the American Red Cross, and DEATH." I can reconstruct the battery procedure from these three concepts. Consider: Aretha is famous for a tune called and that's the required mental attitude for this job RESPECT electricity is dangerous. The American Red Cross, of course, is the place to begin - with the red cable at the positive plus sign. And death is what will happen if I don't remember to put the last black cable on a grounded place. With my luck, though. I'll still panic. I can see me now, standing there in the rain on some dark and stormy night, trying to explain to some poor soul about how the battery cable deal depends on remembering "Lena Home, The Salvation Army, and puking." The Bad Samaritan strikes again. whafs-wrong-with-yo- u? From the Auto Maintenance Desk of the Zephyr. By Robert Fulghum Interested in humility avoidance and escaping a dumb death? I can help. Every time I do the same dimwit thing again, I mutter "I'll never learn." As if acknowledging ignorance takes care of the problem. Yet, sometimes I get it straight -learn something by heart so firmly I'll take the knowledge with me to my grave. My most recent triumph: If you woke me up out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night and shouted, "Battery Cables!", I'd sit up in bed and rap out my mantra: "Separate and off. Red to good red. Red to bad red. Black to good black. Black to engine block. Start good. Start bad. Wait and reverse." Be impressed. I've got this thing down. Nailed. Internalized. Never again will you find me standing by at a dead battery scene and ashamed of both my stupidity and what I'm about to go ahead and do anyhow. The motivation? Humiliation. Again and again, humiliation. Frying an ignition system or two. Getting zapped flat by jumping juice. Being laughed at by my grandchildren when I tried to help a stranded motorist. Finally, when I didn't stop to help a lady holding a scrawled sign saying "Dead battery - need help." and my wife red-fac- ed THE GRAND OLD RANCH HOUSE k -- History, tradition, elegance isS? vT BBBB Not as often as one would like, but, from time to time circumstance leaves us with a lasting impression. Glenn and Katie Victor have traveled far enough along in their internment with THE GRAND OLD RANCH HOUSE to deliver just such an experience. It will be apparent from the time your eyes first fall upon this Registered Historic Landmark that your dining experience will go far beyond the and the evening will long be remembered. Not only unique to Moab, but a rarity anywhere you may travel. And with the talents of World Class "CHEF ALEXANDER HOUGH" comes the guarantee that the cuisine is fitting to the environment in which it is served. Bill-Of-Fa- re ABOUT CHEF HOUGH ... President of the Escoffier Society Chairman of the American Culinary Just north of Moab on Highway 259-57- 53 "A Registered Historic Landmark" 191 Federation Golden Skillet Recipient. .1993 Chef to the U.S. Ambassador, Madrid, Spain |