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Show PAGE 2 THE ZEPHYR APRIL 1995 climbing to the top of the Portal. "What a virtually awesome view," you say to each other. "This is going to be a great day for some serious virtual biking." "Virtually radical," everyone agrees. to virtual lycra-hateThe vurt citizens of Grand County, from virtual orgo-heaare here to greet the virtual tourists. Virtual Main Street merchants line up to serve the new arrivals. Virtual real estate developers have picked out some mighty choice virtual ridgclinc properties to dazzle and impress the more affluent of the virtual tourists. Virtual river companies promise one day virtual river trips down the entire length of the Colorado River! And virtual Zephyrs are on newsstands everywhere at a reasonable price. But first, how about a bite to cat? Unimpressed by all the new virtual fast food chain restaurants that have sprouted like a virtual fungus all over Moab, you decide to try all of Moab's locally owned and operated cafes. Since you're virtually eating, you cannot eat 'till you get sick...because you're never really virtually full. From the delicious virtual brisket at Fat City, you move on to the elegant Center Cafe'. You pound down a couple of vurt Subways and then head for the Slick Rock Cafe' where you get to experience not just the great Caesar Salad, but manager Anthony's stylish new goatee as well. The days of competing for the same tourist dollar are over. The tourist can cat at all of Moab's fine restaurants! At the Dos Amigos Cantina, you are greeted by the virtual (and versatile) owner of the establishment, Michael J. Marooney. You are pleasantly relieved to find that the Virtual Marooney is just as frightening as the real one. When he turns to each of you and says, regardless of race, color, creed, gender, or national origin, "Have you ever done it with a virtual fat guy?" before he's even handed you a menu...you know you have a Virtual Reality system that is nothing less than "top of the line." Elsewhere, other virtual travelers are buying virtual goods and services from Moab merchants who are squirreling the money away so they can someday retire to Bull Head Gty, Nevada. Virtual real estate developers are selling virtual condo lots like an elephant goes through peanuts to happy second-hom- e happy buyers from across the nation. After an extended hearty dinner at virtually every restaurant in Grand County, the virtual tourists head for the Slickrock bike trail. But when you arrive at the virtual Sand Flats, you discover that every virtual law enforcement officer in southern Utah is up there as well, heavily armed with enough virtual fire power to turn virtual a into bad But dream. reality really upon closer inspection, you discover that your own virtual people, the thousands of virtual party-heart- y maniacs that they came here to commune with in the first place, far outnumber the virtual Law. And so you break out virtual cases of beer, which are consumed in massive quantities until you become so ill you think you're going to puke your virtual guts out. EMTs from the Grand County Search and Rescue Squad discover you and your friends the next morning under your Saab, where you are hovering near virtual death from virtual alcohol poisoning. Your blood alcohol count is an astounding 37 (virtual). A LifeFlitc chopper whisks you away to LDS Hospital in Salt Lake, where you make a slow but complete recovery from your virtual brush with death. Later, you're interviewed by Randall Carlisle on TV's News FOUR Utah, because no Utahn has ever been that virtually drunk before and lived to tell the virtual talc. Randall wants the scoop. But you shock the live television audience when you try to touch his hair and discover it's really virtual vermicelli pasta. rs ds of the was almost run over by a crazed biker last week, the first near-miseason, so I know that Spring is here. The weather has been delightful, so I know I can in the near future. I am not a biking aficionado, and expect a lot more know little about the technology that goes into them, but I have observed a certain futuristic look to some of these wheeled monsters that had not previously caught my eye. I also saw, for the first time, a biker equipped with a cellular phone. He had it in a small pack on his back, right between the squirt bottles. 1 was impressed. Obviously this was a man who, at the very least, knew his limitations, knew he would do something stupid up there on the Slickrock Trail like break his leg, and did not want to inconvenience his fellow bikers. If and when he did or augured in to solid sandstone, he could simply call the the dreaded crotch-spl- it Grand County Search & Rescue Team on his cell phone...if he was still conscious, that I ss near-miss- es is. find much of this new technology to be absolutely frightening. The first time I heard the word 'cyberspace I thought they'd said ciderspace and assumed it had something to do with the storage of fermented apple juice. And yet I keep hearing that the new technology is here, that it's here to stay, and that if I expect to survive in the 21st Century, I had better get with the program. I believe that 1 have mentioned before that I I'm not completely I have a computer now of my own. know how to push 13 buttons in different combinations to produce copy for the Zephyr. But that's it. My computer even has a fax machine built into it, but I don't know how to use it. 1 paid good money for that damn machine and yet I'm too intimidated to push the buttons that might make it work. Beyond those 13 button combinations, I am lost in ciderspace. Still, there are certain aspects of this new technology that intrigue me. I am particularly interested in the "virtual reality" concept or vurt. I realize that the system is in its early stages of development, but it may be the answer to my prayers. There will be a time in the future, I hope and pray, when a trip to Moab will be as simple as strapping on a pair of goggles and slipping on a pair of gloves. In fact, I believe we can build our entire economy around vurt. Imagine, if you will, the Virtual Reality Trip to Moab for the Weekend. And imagine us, the citizens of Moab, plugged into the same system, ready to greet the Moab-boun- d traveler... You tourists and your loved ones need to do little more than move the kitchen chairs into the living room for the ride of your lives. Engage the system and you're on your way. The virtual trip to Moab is a breeze. Their virtual Saab Turbo gets you to Moab in three hours flat. A virtual cop at Soldier Summit makes a futile attempt to pull you over for speeding but you virtual travelers leave him far behind in a virtual cloud of smoke. As you make the long descent into the Moab Valley, you see for the first time, Moab's new virtual tram rising majestically behind the virtual uranium tailings pile. 1 anti-technolo- About now it's time to take off the goggles. And all you can say is: Wow! What a weekend getaway! Look at all the fun you had. You out ran a cop, you were sexually harassed at a Moab restaurant, you injected much needed cash into the Moab economy, you ate too much, you partied too long, you trashed the Sand Flats, you peddled your butts off, you almost died, and you discovered the secret to Randall Carlisle's weird hair-dAnd, best of all, you never left your living room. Back here in Moab, our virtual profits for the weekend hit an high. We, the virtual recipients of all that virtual cash, pay our bills, feed the kids, and buy more o. all-ti- yuppie toys. And in the world of virtual reality, all you Zephyr readers even paid for your newspapers! My coin tubes are virtually overflowing! I'm rich beyond my SUBSCRIBE NOW TO THE CANYON COUNTRY i ZEPHYR THE ZEPHYR P.O. BOX 327 MOAB, UTAH 84532 (801) 259-777- 3 publisher & editor Jim Stiles Write to: The Zephyr, P.O. Box 327, Moab, UT 84532 One year (11 issues)...$15 Two years (22 issues)...$28 Three years (33 issues)...$40 contributing writers S. Jane Jones Cherie Gilmore JoelTuhy Mary Grizzard Scott Groene I lank Rutter Dan O' Connor Mike Marooney historical photos food editor Herb Ringer Willie Flocko ROVING REPORTER Name Robert Fulghum subscriptions & grounds maintenance Jan Peterson circulation Address Neils Adair editor Jessica Berry THE ZEPHYR, Copyright 1995, All rights reserved The Zephyr is published monthly (11 times a year) . The opinions expresed herein are not necessarily those of its vendors, advertisers, or even at times, its publisher Its always something. If it isn't one thing it's something dee." Rwnhm RtBMBiudinni Renewal New Subscription |