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Show THE ARGUS. 10 Short Stories. BASHFUL young man was invited to a dinner party and was paired with the most handsomely dressed lady in the room. His seat at the table happened to be in front of a roast fowl, which he was expected to carve, and a fried sole. The poor man had never done such a thing before in his life, but wishing to make the best of the situation he commenced by asking the lady very politely if she preferred anything in particular. She replied that she would take a little of the sole. He had no idea where the sole lay, so began to cut off a slice of the breast. The sole, she said. Then he tried the wing. The sole, she repeated. This time he tried the leg. The sole, the lady said, in a still higher key. He, moist with perspiration, lost all patience, stuck the fork into the body of the fowl, saying : Take it, body, soul and all, putting it on the ladys plate, from which it rolled into her lap, much to the consternation of the whole com stand? Very meek and very mild. Very well. The Chairman arose when quiet had been restored and said : Gentlemen, I am requested by Mr. Redmond to say that if anyone present wishes to ask him a question he will be glad to answer it. A man arose from the body of the and ascended the platform. meeting ' Mr. Chairman, he said, but he never got any further. He was recognized at once as a notorious Orangeman, and quick as a flash, a great, big specimen of an Irishman sprang at him and struck him in the temple like that so. The man fell like a log and it was thought he was killed by the blow. They had to send for doctors and had to carry the man out on a stretcher. Imagine the excitement all this time, continuing for a quarter of an hour. Finally the chairman dont forget how meek and mild he was tapped gently on the edge of his desk, advanced to the front of the platform with his eyeglasses poised on the end of his fingers so and it became at once as quiet as you could imagine. Then, very deliberately, the chairman said : Gentlemen, is there any one else who would like to ask Mr. Redmond a question? . ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. correspondent wants to know the difference between licensing bawdy houses and collecting monthly fines from them. The only known differA ence is the but Speak out, brethren. The Enterprise its Vera Little. congratulates itself on having the support of the entire Democratic Anxious Mother (l)The first white party of this county on this child born in Utah seems to have been more numerous than any child bom since. (2) See the Deseret News first MISCELLANEOUS. white child department. Residenter No, the City Council did not appropriate three thousand dollars to the fun and rejoicing fund at the last meeting. It will not be done before next Tuesday night. Joines, Idaho Of course not. No legislator of this State has lodged a complaint against himself for bribetaking. Men who receive bribes generally bid for them and their depravity is total when they publish their shame to the world. You are wrong. Leaguer w 1 n brake-twiste- Jubilee Committeeman (1) The pioneers crossed the plains in 1847. (2) No, Judge Judd was not with the first company that crossed. (3) He was born in the shadow of the Hermit age. Noah Little We do not recall the name of the author of Theres no fool like an old fool. But there is a s stripe of idiot who all others. He is the one who sees in everything a puzzle or a joke ; who never hears a verse from the Bible but he asks where the laugh comes in ; who never reads a sermon but he wonders who the joke is on ; who never sees an illustrated allegory but he complains of the lack of vulgarity or suggestiveness in the picture. double-discount- : In Sydney, N. S. W., William Redmond, the celebrated commoner and home-rul- e advocate, was at Centenary Hall. There was the wildest kind of enthusiasm when he had finished the great The Chairman of the meeting was a very meek, mild man, do you under ad-dressi- mass-meetin- g. ng There is no way to prevent gambling abso- 66 W. Second North St. LOCK BOX 480. FOR THE CURE OF TOBACCO HABITS, PRUNKEHHESS w NEURASTHENIA. THE XEEIiKY TREATMENT HAS DORK MORE TO HELP HUMANITY, IN ITS BBIKP TIME, THAN ANY OTHEB BEFOHM MOVEMENT HAS AC- The Keeley Treatment is adopted by the U. 8. Government for use in the National and State Homes for Disabled Volunteer Soldiers and Sailors, as also the Regular Army, and the Leg- islatures of Colorado, Louisiana, Maryland, North Dakota, Oklahoma Territory lutely. It should be controlled and Minnesota, and Wisconsin have recognized it by the enactunder constant surveillance of the po- ment of inebriate laws for the sending of worthy indigent patients to Keeley Institutes at public lice. The daily papers could do a 6ZD6Q86 PRESIDENT ANGUS M. CANNON says of : I thought it impossigreat deal towards making it an un- the Keeley Treatment ble for one man to do what Dr. Keeley has done popular pastime by publishing every scientifically in counteracting the terrible evils of His treatment strengthens morning a list of those in each game menintemperance. physically, mentally and morally. Under they are given another opthe night before, something after the these circumstances portunity to become men amongst men. Is there a man who loves his fellow beings that order of hetel arrivals. Houses of can fail to say : 1 view Dr. Keeley as engaged in most commendable work. I trust his good might also be required to keep awork may continue! a register for public reference, with INQUIRIES STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. the penalty for forgery attached to the signing of fictitious names. This is not a motion, only a suggestion, and does not need a second. ill-repu- At the five-ocloc- k Max Orell tells this 1 insmoit te rake-of- f. That young man was never invited Taxpayer The OMeara contract Moto a dinner party again. Spare referred to by Mrs. Griffin in her diments. vorce pleadings was that for streetand not the one for city accom- sprinkling It was on the jail purposes. modation on the Boston and Maine. W. C. B. We agree with you in He was a green brakeman greener than grass at this time of the year discrediting the charge of bribery and it was his first run over the road. made against certain city councilmen At Sommerville he woke old Spette-gre- in awarding the sprinkling contract. out of his every afternoon nap The amount stated is above the and a market price and no business man Chelsea by announcing little later, when they stopped at East would have made such an offer. Everett, he paralyzed old lady Petti-johAnxious Inquirer No, neither John by proclaiming Prides CrossBut the climax was reached Lucerne Taylor nor the editor of the ing! when the train arrived in Lynn. Salt Lake Herald is a member of r on the Alfalfa Club, no matter how sugWhen the veteran the front platform threw open the gestive their names may be. Deve-reau- IKS COMPLISHED IN CENTURIES. pany. door with a bang, and with a familiarity borne of years of experience, rattled off, Lynnl Lynn! Change cars for East Lynn, Swampscott, Phillips x Beach, Beach Bluff, Clifton, and Marblehead ! Lynn ! Lynnl the brilliant idiot on the rear platform poked his head in the other door and shouted, Same here ! Harpers Magazine. Noah Little Such a fool may Grecio-Turkis- h r wrestle the paragrapher Turkey and Hot Greece. seems to have the vita- scopic concessions. The Tribune has had its joke, the Herald specialist has dished up Turkey and Greece in palatable patties, and the Deseret News has plucked an occasional feather of fun from the tail of the sick vulture. Here are a few for occasional use through the coming week at the end of which we will try and find them some more Big Stock of Second-Han- d Household Goods To Select from at 207-209- -2 11 State St. : Xlltab When Greek meets Greek, the Turk Shirts made to of war begins. order. WHITE FLANNEL SILK, If Greece gets too obstreperous will Turkey gobbler? Should the Greeks repeat Marathon WORK the Mohammedans will think Hellas GUARANTEED . Room 22, Morlan Block. broke loose. No wonder Greece got mad. Turand A. Fisher key has a most Brewing Co.'s way of Beer onDraught. treating her neighbors. that Turkey King George 71 W. Second South St., is a fowl spot on the map of Europe. JOHN Salt Lake City. Greece has over-ruthe border and SHEA. the Turk is hot.. Which part of the Turkey will you & have, Mr. Czar? A clip of the wing and a slice of the neck. All right. Just pass your plate. Opposite Cullen Hotel. SMrt factors Pabst-miwauk- ee in-Sult- an . n THE OXFORD ENZEN$PERQER BROS., Props. Ephraim Enterprise: We pledge ourselves to support no man or woman for the legislature hereafter who will not pledge himself or herself to support such measures in reFisbiooible Tailor lation to newspapers as are just and Gents' own material made up. Will clean and right. How many other papers in press gentlemen's clothing for $1 per month. the State will take the same staid? All work guaranteed. 60 E. let So, A. f. R05ELL |