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Show Page A12 Thursday, December 29, 1988 Parle Record WltasadldPysi Park City's Most Complete Athletic Club ES.DI1CDW? pnosPECTon athletic clod , AT PROSPECTOR SQUARE HOTEL . BY RICK BROUGII U Mr.. . . , EST as a Jt-W Arafat at Vie Retreat? As the new year approaches, it's time once again for Whaddyaknow to present its psychic predictions for the year 1989. Our psychic this year is Ingrid Astral, who has an astounding record of predictions. Ingrid in the past has divined that a new person would occupy the White House in '89; that the mini-series "War and Remembrance" would go on for a long, long time ; and that the sun would rise in the east. Here are some of her prognostications for the coming year: Israel will recognize the Palestine Liberation Organization and agree to the Palestinian state. The long-awaited breakthrough comes after PLO head Yasir Arafat goes into Park City's Vie Retreat for a make-over an act that finally convinces con-vinces the world Arafat is ready to discard the radical riff-raff image of the PLO. "The change was astounding," says Vie's Ann MacQuoid. "We gave him a shave, a massage, worked over his face with moisturizer, and whipped whip-ped off that filthy bandanna and shaped his hair with some styling mousse. Now he looks like Ted Danson!" MacQuoid says she is ready for other challenges. "If Mikahil Gorbachev wanted, we could do something to enhance that cute birthmark bir-thmark of his that looks like the map of Australia." Early in January, the headquarters of a major Middle-Eastern terrorist organization is blown to smitereens. The New York Times receives an anonymous phone call claiming it is the work of a super-secret assassin squad made up of airline pilots and stewardesses. The group, called the Winged Avengers, will vow to strike back against mad bombers and hijackers. Soon after, Abu Nidal is found dead under a huge pile of seagull droppings, the mark of the Avengers. Terrorist groups will demand protection from the U.N. and some safety measures are leaving airplanes. But the bombings will continue. By the end of the year, terrorism will be eradicated as a world problem. Dr. D.A. Osguthorpe will continue to protest plans to run the expanded Highway 224 through his meadow. After his lawsuit the new highway is thrown out of court, Osguthorpe fences off his meadow with barbed wire and stages and stages a two-week stand-off in February against federal and state agents. Law officers who attempt to enter the property will be driven away by vicious Pit Guernseys, carnivorous dairy cattle that have been secretly bred by Osguthorpe. Police attempt to use psychological tactics to persuade Osguthorpe to give up. Officers set up loudspeakers, but instead of using loud, hellish sirens, they broadcast tirades from comedian Sam Kinison. "WILL YOU GIVE THIS THING UP?" screams Kinison. "IT'S THE DEAD OF WINTER! I'M FREEZING MY BUTT OFF OUT HERE ! I WANT TO GO HOOOOOME ! " The siege ends peacefully when Governor Norman Nor-man Bangerter promises Osguthorpe the state will install a ski lift that will take his dairy cows across the four-lane highway to their pastureland. The new system will be called Cow Connect. The heavy winter snows will lead to record spring spr-ing floods and incidentally, will vindicate Governor Gover-nor Bangerter in his decision to install pumps at the Great Salt Lake. The newly confident Governor will authorize $90 million for another set of pumps. After that, precipitation will decline drastically and another three years of drought will begin. The world-famous Deer Valley Resort will be purchased by the Walt Disney corporation, and its name will be changed to Bambi Basin. Areas on the mountain are given new titles like Thumper Run and Dumbo Hollow. One ski instructor will say, "The pay is good, but it's a little hard for people peo-ple to take my teaching seriously when I'm dressed dress-ed like Goofy." Resort representative Mark Menlove will say, "I fit in with the new regine just fine. It took my awhile, though to learn how to do the recorded snow depth reports in the voice of Roger Rabbit!" "Twins" starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito will be a major screen hit. So the studio will product "Twins H" about another pair of odd siblings. This one starts Orrin Hatch and Muhammad Ali, as two long-lost brothers who spend the entire movie trying to match hairstyles. A measure on next autumn's election ballot will ask that the state go bilingual that all public signs use two languages, English and Utahn. For instance, a highway sign would alert drivers to a "Fork in the Road" and also a "Fark in the Road." The measure fails after Governor Bangerter pledges he will not respond to the name "Narm." President George Bush will pledge full and open communication with the press, but tragedy intervenes. in-tervenes. The press secretary named by Bush, Claude Alzheimer, can never remember the information infor-mation he is supposed to pass on to the Fourth Estate. Also, President Bush is struck dumb after a severe case of laryngitis, and reporters are forced to read his lips for the remainder of his team. The former owner of Deer Valley, Roger Pen-ske, Pen-ske, teams up with Randy and Debbi Fields. The trio announce they are offering new Gift Packs of Motor Oil and Cookies, to be sent through the mail. "After you've been out changing your oil," explains ex-plains Randy Fields. "Nothing tastes better than a fresh macadamia-nut cookie ! " Rock 'n' roll fans report that not only are they still seeing Elvis, but now Roy Orbison in with him! It will be discovered that Elvis and Orbinson have formed a ghostly super-band including John Lennon, Jim Croce and Janis Joplin on vocals to be called the Dead Wilburys. SiMIke si Vemm by TERIORR Beware.. .the serpent is next This week People magazine called it, the year without any heros and somehow that fits. While there were memorable moments here and there, 1988 has been a year for the most part, as my friend said, "to wad up in a little ball and toss away." Since I have for years subscribed to the Chinese theory that life is like a wheel and you are never up or down too long, I thought I would consult my Chinese calender to see what followed this year, The Year of The Dragon. I discovered what awaits us is the Year of the Serpent. Shudder. What this dictates if you are a single female, is a year not to attend any oversize parties on New Year's Eve. "I refuse," said an attractive, bright, thin, interesting single lady I know, "I refuse to subject myself to one more year of wet kisses at midnight from men I don't care to know or know and don't even like." Hearing this another single, attractive, etc., woman jumped in and added, "Nor do I want to listen to the insincere ramblings of some silver-tongued silver-tongued devil who thinks he'd like to start the new year with a new arm charm. I'd rather sit at home with a video and some cheap champagne." Fair or not, since Eve's day the serpent has been associated with slimey men. Bible scholars would point out the serpent was the absolute personification per-sonification of Satan, whom no one has ever thought to be female. The Year of the Serpent, won't be official in the Chinese calender until February, when that new year traditionally begins with parades and dragons and fireworks and bright colors and festive music. But for those who mark off years with symbols the sinister creature is approaching. Starting the new year just right seems important impor-tant for 1989 and so a few of us discussed new year's we have known and loved and all right, hated. The ickky starts to a year always seem to include big groups of people, largely unknown, who feel free to violate your private space when the clock strikes twelve and the champagne kicks in. These affairs are usually held in large hotel lobbies with all the warmth of the hour before sunrise. Memorable new year starts always seem to be in smaller groups. My friend says her favorite was when a bunch of silly people got together in someone's so-meone's home to play Monopoly until past midnight. mid-night. They drank and toasted the new year but nobody made too big a deal of the whole thing. Another friend recalled when some buddies cross-county skied into the moonlight and packed a grand buffet they ate in the snow. They popped a few corks and knew it was about midnight and that seemed good enough. Twice, I have welcomed in another year in a restaurant where a big round table of us ate late and told stories and toasted our good fortune to be together again. We did this in a grand old building at Tahoe where the waitresses were friends too and it was sort of like being with a family you could choose in the oversize dining room. This year by pulling out the entertainment section sec-tion of this paper you could find any number of ways to celebrate either the end of 1988 or the beginning of 1989, or both. Parties and fine entertainment enter-tainment abound. Or you could put together your own night of playing a board game or eating out with friends or cross-country skiing into the moonlight. But if strikes a vein with me no matter what you choose we are approaching a year to beware. Coiled, Coil-ed, clever, and capable of tricks, the serpent awaits. The new year will require us to be equally as clever and somewhat cautious as we watch the wheel roll and go 'round aga in. I was taught years ago by a Chinese man that there is a sense of mystery in their culture they revere. As a people they love puzzles, the more intricate, in-tricate, the better. I think my old friend would tell me to look behind the obvious meaning of the serpent ser-pent and expect to be surprised. Maybe the snake is a disguise for something good and maybe it is not male and maybe it holds secrets that only the clever will unravel. Here's looking away from 1988 and forward to the new year. May yours be filled with new opportunities oppor-tunities to learn. MEW WEAMS JFUTME SIPECTACMjAM January 1-7 $75 Single $150 Couple & Family To help you get 1989 off to a great start we're offering super savings on all our Regular Memberships! Come in and tour Park City's Finest Athletic Club anytime between January 1st-7th and we will give you a one week pass FREE! CLUB FACILITIES '4 Racquetball Courts 4 Outdoor Tennis Courts Indoor Swimming Pool Aerobics Studio Full Weight Room Spa Facilities Tanning Massage Pro Shop Babysitting THIS IS A SPECIAL YOUR BODY CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS.' dJES 'a TEAM II 649-6670 An Official Training Center of the U.S. Ski Team . fit IT m o3 mm Ristorante and Bar More than Pasta!!! SOMETHING HAPPEN IN7 7 DAYS A WEEK! Thurs. Dec. 29-Rex Wheeler fiC Ladies Night Fri. sc Sat.-Bob Snow SC the Danger Dudes Sun, Mon,Tues.-Rex Wheeler Coming next week! PatSheedy (Thurs. is Ladies Night-Wed. is Locals Jam Night) I 1 w- . stairs inu featuring Bob Snow & the Danger Dudes $20 per person Includes hors d' oeuvres, other specials, party favors Advance tickets on Sale Now! Limited Seating 306 Main St. Restaurant open at 5:00, Bar open at 1 1 :30am Restaurant (649-5044), Bar (649-6800) Cisero's private club for the benefit of members and their guests |