OCR Text |
Show vw . j 1 PAGE THE ZEPHYR JANFEB 90 15 to the existence of roads to satisfy the congressional requirements, tampering with the very definition of the word Road, fine tuning It to squeeze roads by as "trails" and "Ways," depending on whether they had been Improved by machine and whether they appear to be used. All this labored Interpretation of definition Is to restrict mechanized vehicles and all the obnoxious and unpleasant people they bring to the public land, along with their abhorrent activities. ' So for the New Year perhaps Ill work on an acceptable new definition of mechanized vehicles, find the semantical ways and means to get them from the "Ways" on public land. A way-o- ut definition that will confound the whey eaters. Thats the way to make em scramble for their word games and weigh their OV0IT un-exclu- easy ded definitions. First, bulldozers and drill rigs have such a tasteless and thuglike Image. Lets redefine them to be "Land Enhancers. Positive and benevolent And car. Thats such a harsh word. Well call It the "personal passenger medium. There. A medium Is certainly unobjectionable. Klnda connotes a benign force that will commune through the wilderness. Then Ill the original name of the modern bicycle- -, what better way to travel along a "Way" than on a "blclrcular velocipede." Sounds ethereal, doesn't It? Like It floats right along the "Way. by john sensenbrenner re-intro- duce Why do people make New Years resolutions? I never made one In my life. But Ive been trying to think of a good reason to Join the resolvers. Most New Years resolvers arent serious anyway, but they persist year after year In making elusive promises to themselves that they know wont be observed longer than a week following the new year. New Years resolutions have to be painful It seems, punishment for the excesses of the previous year. The defendant has been found guilty and Is sentenced to be taken to a place of confinement and made to prepare Immediately a list of ten resolutions for 1990. I've never heard of one that the resolver really wanted to do. Usually theyre undertaken with an attitude of "Oh well, I'll try, but I don't think Ill succeed, at least I hope not." Why would anyone willingly volunteer to punish himself with a The beginning of the New Year should be rigorous program of self-deni-al? welcomed with pleasure, not torture. To me capital punishment Is preferable to making ten New Years resolutions. But out of curiosity and In the Interest of science, I decided to see If I could come up with a list that I could live with. Seems to me that a less unattractive set of New Years resolutions might run something like the following: 1. This year Ill accept all those credit card offered to me. Not a week passes without receiving a flattering piece of mall announcing that Ive already been approved for a new credit card. So why not? Ill sign for all of them and start living It up. Sooner or later theyll notice that I'm not paying their bills and the word will get around and theyll stop bugging me. There's no other way to get rid of them. And Ill have a great New Year until they catch up to me. Maybe next year Ill resolve from my cell not to be such a spendthrift. 2. Then Ill resolve to stop Interfering with the natural order; no more mowing the lawn, pulling weeds or raking the leaves, a kind of weed-ro- ots greenpeace movement This will not only make me happy but I'll make a considerable contribution to the happiness of the goat head and Its fellows.. They've obviously T : 'and maliciously resolved not to let me get the upper hand. v - 4. chocolate. Most of the eaters I know are anemic and unhappy, worried about eating some nasty stuff that might reduce their life span. They might under their eyes, but Ill enjoy my shorter outlive me by a few years, worry-ba- gs life more and have time to spend on Important things, like figuring out resolutions like this. health-consci- well-mean- ous self-indulg-ent 5. While Im on the subject of living longer, Ill stop having birthdays. Damned Inconvenient anyway. I could pick a nice round age, say 39, and stay there. Forever. It worked for Jack Benny. He was 39 for about two hundred years. ers 6. Then Ill resolve to Ignore all those wrinkly-nose- d, hypochondriacal and go right ahead enjoying my cigars. Their thing Is complaining about non-smok- someone enjoying something they dont If It weren't smokers It would be gum chewers or some other sinners. My thing Is making them happy by continuing to give them something to whine about And I'll try to add a new hobby for my spare time, If I can find any, something that will challenge my coordination and develop my Intellectual skills, a musical Instrument, perhaps. Maybe Ill work on the drums. And to Increase the difficulty, Ill work on drumming while chewing gum. That should make a better person of me for the New Year. 7. 8. But to really Improve myself I think Ill resolve to drink only small quantities of cheap booze, with a proportional Increase In my consumption of the good stuff. . 3. While Im on the subject of nature, Ill resolve to antagonize those ing who would restrict all the public lands Into wilderness areas, clever devils. This year Ill concentrate on rebuffing their tinkering with definitions. Those resourceful meddlers have employed the trick of being conveniently blind Im going to stop feeling guilty about eating all those great cholesterol-load- ed foods- -, shrimp, bacon, lobster, steak, and best of all, Ice cream and I 9. To Improve my moral fiber Ill resolve that when reading fiction novels, if read any In the New Year, to skip those repulsive dirty sections that are so good, or maybe read them with only one eye. u 10. Last, I resolve that I'll make no more New Years resolutions. Next thing know Ill resolve to stop watching that stupid TV setn you do-goo- ders Ken and Jane Sleight v r -- V 1 w K wrV Murphys Law is in Effect Somebody Make It Snow For reservations or information, write or call Pack Creek Ranch, P.O. Box 1270, Moab, Utah. 84532 (801) 259-550- 5. |