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Show a r il | | li il il i we ne ma PRAT H ZTAR Principally the Professional Funny Man, Which Easily Explains Their “Sad” Quality. Se: How are jokes made? bone of the American a oo), wel ~ > « DMANDALL PARRISH VAS KING WHEN WILDERNI dS oAuthor of‘ILLUSTRATIONS BY ARTHURT. WILLIA MSON’ Te bas ia :o as Ne Ki f cA yy Me S ¥ fhe story opens in a Confederate tent at a critical stage of the: Civil War. Gen. Lee imparts to Capt. Wayne an important message to Longstreet. Accompanied by enemy and in the darktaken for a Federal of- Gcer and a young lady on horseback is given in his charge. She is a northern girl and attempts to éscape. One of the >, Roerses succumbs and .Craig goes through with the Lady of seek dispatches, the North shelter in and entering it in the dark a huge mastiff attacks Wayne The girl shoots the brute just in time. The owner of the hut, Jed Bungay, and his wife appear and soon a party of Horsemen approach. They are led by a man claiming proves officer He to be Red to be whom orders Lowrie, Maj. Brennan, the Union girl the arrest of Wayne but who a Federal recognizes. as a spy es Samenasearntemntmasein and he is brought before Sheridan, who threatens him with death unless he re. yeals the secret message. Wayne believes edith Brennan to be the wife of Maj. Brenhan. He is rescued by we starts to reach Gen. Jed Bungay. Lee, while ayne in disguise penetrates to the ballroom, beneath which he had been imRees He is introduced to a Miss peuee and barely escapes being unmasked. Edith Brennan, recognizing Wayne, pac she will save him. Securing a pass Wwhelmed, pital, and is join the Barly. in regiment Wayne, visited by CHAPTER while Edith the (is in the hos- XXIV.—Continued. ~ -Then a hand thrust aside the canyas, and a face peered in. I caught a faint glimmer of stars, but could distinguish little else. “Boys,” said the leader, kindly, “1 wish 1 might give you better transpor‘ation, but this is the only form of veRicle we can find. I reckon you'll get pretty badly bumped over the road you are going, but I’m furnishing you all the chance to get away in my power. We shall guard you as long as aecessary, and then must leave you to the kindly ministrations of the. river.” with of restraint. throbbed; the me, and Visions pain, and my mind of delirium dreamed dreams ard: demons glouds I had me, and I knew on drifting vaguely that the through the cracks could ber @ of “y He |, ens Jp s o L oo np it was a R& iiness greatly, 1 tramped for slowly the tall, slender ored re day of battle, re pbject of wonder. Al) through those ter weeks tween I had life and in been ing be- iM\opscure ‘yoment hospital at Richmond. the door was opened to P\ of my’ | Wain, passing forth into the sought eagerly to discover Court House. swerved and der —th Virginia cavalry vould not fight mit him he vos a damned liar. I vould have hit him, but I vos under der flag of truce.” I reached out my hand to him across the table. i “T thank you, Captain Carlson,” | re- battle- said, “for both your message a light-col- goatee. but if he say dat an officer of answer. What did this well: and third, the gathering and your man the valley the condition of the and stand man fronting me, his Z hand : Warmly be- I ~ i \\ =) | 2 fl Se Lee an’ had refuse searcely fight my indignation. “T know not what you said, white with anger. zou This “Surely sunlight, itself to “but the Shenandoah.” 1 must have gave Virginia —th the South Wayne?” Philip Not 1s that in the white, for day Ae grown very Sor forward a young aide sprang hastily Yet 1 and passed his arm about me. scarcely realized the action, for my whole thought was with the dead. 1 “Do you mean they are all gone?’ able hardly tremblingly, questioned, to grasp the full dread import of such ghastly tidings. “Surely, General Lee, some among them must have come back.” , his “So few,” be responded soberly hat still retained in his hand, “so few mens. it seems not so.” my feet in an instant, crediting fire with to mit | Instant.” personally yet ears, Own may mean,” I “But I hold for accountable those | that I words, and you shall discover will fight ‘mit mens’ af back, hastily his chair He pushed to his face fairly crimson, and began Maitbut explanation; an stammer land interfered. ?” “What does all this mean, Carlson “Sit down, sternly. he exclaimed, misstrange is some Wayne—there sis take here.” if ng wonderi chair, my resumed | resolved they had all gone crazy, yet if some satupon taking instant action at once not were tion explana y istactor CHAPTER at heart the Swede, so agitated Itching find English to leave my honor uDhateful those after : now to be cast aside. — ‘The coming day was barely gray in he could | when I was awakened by a in which to ex- ‘the east not 1 vould vay. to me, Vane;/oh, no, bot it vos told e an’ ‘ a “Captain Wayne?” door, he asked. pun, right there. under the skin. It spread fast got a pair of rubber gloves in order to wash dishes. Then it spread all over the left side of my chest. A fine doctor treated the trouble two weeks, but day. no good. Then I cried night and I decided to try Cuticura Soap and Ointment but without much hope as I had gone #0 long. There (Signed) soap in his shaving mug.” Beach, Redonda Selby, A. Mrs. G Cuticura h Althoug hb, shoe Calan drug: by sold are t Ointmen and Soap a samgists and dealers everywhere, will book, ple of each, with 32-page to on. application free mailed be “Cuticura,”’ Dept. L, Boston. Lazy ‘Jaded a buk. Hke A without. hed bin easy aS swearing. And very much such Very a slovenly habit as swearing. many who might, as early, speak and write English well groove their minds with slang and bad usage of the lan: at hide ner thet’s.a fac’. An’ o’ hair I sorter soft, their thoughts True Enough. ““T think of going as Helen of Troy,” a faint smile, answered: “Helen of Troy—or, perhaps, do: you think, Helen of Avoirdupois wou, her since, drifted back i be better?” Seemed Strange to Her. describing in Miss Melcher commencement exercises of a cert medical college to Miss Bungler, £ that she had felt quite awed v¥ “{ Miss surprise. likely very some of those (TO BE One of sought refuge in houses.” CONTINUED.) Life’s Mysteries. Why is it that the same remars which draws a laugh if made by ole ‘g a gure sign for a fight if made b) lanother? = Something of that. er heard think: shouldn’t I I suppose. physician toa oH, «aay want to bind himself would thing that!” like Hand Vacuum Cleaner. For use with a vacuum cleaner Massachusetts woman has invented being dust which touched “She feeling. ha indi “A hypocritic oath! fabric deeply evident in exclaimed Bungler inserted his would you think should tubes by adn) was oath the Hippocratic tered to the graduates. glove, the of a mot show “Do you think it woul’ she ended. suit me?” the Miss Eleanora Sears, surveying with young woman’s swelling contours horsemen among horse the Devon Miss Eleanora Sears was retailed. the woman, young stout very A Sears’ advice Miss story ran, asked dress fancy a for costume her about ball. old for her hunt | they” how Suitable. More At plantations along the valley?” I asked, you | | | | hardly| can Half the world don’t know live themselves.—Life. wiv Sami ES TURE ON ter you uns ‘cause [ didn’t hev nowhar : else ter go.” | “Did | | travel out except through the furrows, | glance correct, nary stick o’ it left, by gum! an’ Ma: Hain’t seed riar she wuz clean gone. neither until ruage burnt down, plum of ready "Tis made and ill-fitting expressions. More aptly, ‘tis as as easy as lying. of Ma“Bungay, what has become fae filled suddenly eyes man’s little The with tears. answered “| jist don’t know, cap,” he ther | got bum ‘“Whin mournfully. ol? cabin be may phrases so pass current most part they aré They serve chiefly One are a bore. ones do, shirk the thought process by the mode great were exceedingly Expression. Slang and rutted prilliantly used and But for the legally. not brilliantly used. the lazy mind and can, and very many ye ain’t gone an’ fergot him, hev ye?” Yet not even for love ‘heavy pounding upen the press himself intelligibly, “it vos dis ' smart-looking orderiy stood Captain insult is_a from between the fingers around the nails and all over the whole hands. I from the west, at evening to the castle By gum, you put Beelzebub pressed.’ of an’ me through a blamed hard jolt it so fur.” “Beelzebub?” “Ve bet, ther mule; I reckon as how by the excitement about him scarcely swift single convinced me he was kintry ; words there could be no rest for me i until our differences were settled by forthcoming. arbitrament of the naked, mean | the stern “Come, Carlson, what do you All prudence to the winds, no to Cap- 'plade. py addressing such language ‘opportunity of meeting him. should: tain Wayne?” “Vell,” said There ns Sy aa Si “Not a bit of it, Jed,” and I rode up “But to him and extended my hand. the you Are here? you came how guide?” yere this know thing, cap; “Sure his early | no demon like jealousy; and i distrust of me, fostered by that mad his warped | disease had apparently i could I consent and defended, in ix#il “Hight years ago I got eczema all over my hands., My fingers fairly bled and it itched until it almost drove me frantic. The eruption began with out and already looked nearly played well, ‘Very pace. our sharp from we will halt here.” With a sigh of relief he drew back, the and as he did so my eyes fell for As I live, first time upon the guide. stared I it was Jed Bungay, and when broke at him in sudden amazement he into a broad grin. as “Durn if I didn’t begin ter think me, clar fergot an’ gone ye’d how | hard, stern, revengeful, yet | have no circumstances under’ different doubt l might even have valued him highly There is friend. a or as a comrade | entire nature. never happened are the brain children ‘of jester who dotes on anec: ALMOST FRANTIC WITH ITCHING ECZEMA. huge in surprise I asked for the mounts he was man; ocean it probably wrote it. Artie chokes on artichokes And writhes about in pain; But Auntie dotes on antidotes, And soon he’s well again. Ger- with face perspiring round, around XXVI. a bad the wide and who road, we will “is that so?” A his words. The Scouting Detail. This premeditated insult, which Brennan evidently dispatched broadcast in hope that through some uwunknown channel it might reach me, changed my entire relationship with the man. | have never felt that Bren- | pan was maga- The professional funny man would ponder that a minute, then perhaps produce a rhyme like this: iin’t energy, “ve are riding too hard, ve? Mein Gott, but der horses will give out ontirely, already.” “He vos a pig vellow, mit a black } name, as 1 gathered from the convermoustache and gray eyes.” conI was sation, was Carlson, and questronéd “Do you know him?” at the fixedness surprised siderably fastened Maitland. were with which his eyes “Hig name is Brennan,” I answered of the upon me during the earlier part slowly, “a major in the Federal servThinking we might have met, meal. ice. We have already met twice in my | I ransacked somewhere before, rough and tumble contests, but the in vain for any recollection memory for hisi next time it will be with steel.” which would serve to account “Gentlemen,” said Maitland at last, Finally, | ven- | evident interest in me. as possi- ; eravely, “this is*evidently a personal tured to ask, as pleasantly A matter with which we have no direct ble: Captain Wayne’s reputation you, concern. “Captain Carlson, do ! remind | is not one to be questioned, either as so me of some one, since you regard | regards his chivalry toward women or intently?” in arms. I pledge you all over| his bravery The man instantly flushed his early meeting with this major.” his fair face at this direct inquiry. They drank the toast standing, and | “It vas not dat” (he almost stam- 1 read in each face before mea frank, speaking | mered in sudden confusion, soldierly confidence and comradeship come quite brokenly), “bot, sair, it haf of wom- which caused my heart to glow. to me dat you vos an insulter Sartuntans in an They hired dotes. YWwe Upon “1 Was on | ¢oo0t slightl}the| SRA EMA 58 1 know not; | was on 2:oe hand down the ~ Very well, his Feet this Most of the anecdotes that fll the ~ broad, with one From afloat on funny‘columns life. some thought of him again occurred to me. i knew the gentry fairly well, and had eviexperienced in the past so many dences of their stupidity, if not actual know!own disloyalty, as to prefer my My to theirs. edge of the country was thought, indeed, for several miles of party little the at all with not troopers jogging steadily at my heels, nor, in truth, was it greatly concerned That with the fate of the expedition. was but service routine, and I rode never enough, carelessly forward dreaming that every hour of progress was bearing me toward the most imIt was portant adventure of my life. me the German sergeant who recalled to the responsibilities of command. apologet ed exclaim he “Captain,” ically, riding up to my side and wiping My it is now did me pointing magazine was a marked change the second day. > cured. and so on until I was entirely pick him up hd evel The Cuticura’ Soap wy SE r — then as we go.” trent ia “Gyn..beme—ar very Peslided! advanced some distance berore te quality. My husband will use no other — to unable was answered, circulation. of English: language will ouflive the man “Where is the guide?” “Dot is him, mit der mule, ain’t it?” he } i i sells it to a weekly and ; stood sense.” or: learn of the rather heavy-weight who his horse and there as well. fully?” seen national of all in- Cowskin of forage and story in a country paper, thinks original and exclusive. He steals time suffice, you might cross over into look ike?” His at random zine London editors grab the little jest formation obtainable as to the reported consolidation of guerillas for purposes of plunder between the lines. If asked ens, bresent 4nqaheft, passing through a grove some trees, | came suddenly Gite 3 large house of imposing asp A = me wearing a dictionary This joke is duly published in the funny column of the metropolitan p? per. A magazine writer, seeing th “I do, sir; I presume I am to start once?” “Your squad, under command of Sergeant Ebers, is already waiting outside.” “Are you all ready, sergeant?” I! is} and moneyless, I set off alont sole anxiety to be once: more Withnds: and now, at the beginning Ol gec. end day, | was already beyoners- | ard. | burg, and sturdily pushing as the road man, from hasn’t at moment the = sll station of my old comradé arms, yet could learn only that fgyairy yrigade with which I ha¢merly near served was in camp SOMeW Appomattox -voman, — moustache say?” rejoin an \ lOoNSa yy win- | death now tattered you dozen eager voices. The Swede gazed at them in manifest astonishment. I say 1 knowed notting about der attempt nothing our did to words. yes- sol- yme that what anxiously his the & sentence using the words ‘horse sense.’” Johnny wrote: “One night pa forgot to lock the stable and he A guide will accompany your party, antl you are to avoid contact with the enemy as far as possible. Your men earry five days’ rations. You under- fiers, gazed at Me curio ‘they mistook me for the @ Sime my fiead comrade; and I d pale face, yet bearing the xrint pf pain, with the long, u Vhair Iraming it, and the 4ained, regged uniform, the samé //, that Gerce all to fold about him comprehended 4 as onwarf No “And Directly opposite me, at the long and rather scantily furnished messtable, was seated a captain of, infantry, quite foreign in appearance—a ate s have I must but imi s. | Ung valley. flags with honor. » early spring. Birds wer ~ le ling: ing in the trees lining “mts”? traveling. to to mained Pow a et «0st a bright, seeking evident sir?” “No,” with great tenderness, “your yet mother, I believe, remains well; the words I must speak are nevertheless sad ones, and must prove a severe There is no —th Virshock to you. ginia.” “No —th Virginia?’ I echoed, scarce able to comprehend his meaning, “no I beg you to explain, —th Virginia? ! looked about me sir; surely’—and upon the various uniforms of the servyet not has war present—‘the ice ceased-—we have not surrendered?” hero old the boy,’ and my “No, reverently bared his gray head in the by 3 O ” now the tooked if we diawill and on. He comes to the word “ltorse.” That reminds him of “horse sense.” So he frames the following little Johnny and teacher anecdote: . “Johnny,” said the teacher, “write him warmly for his thoughfulness. “Not another word, Wayne,” he insisted. “It is not much, a mere scout: ing detail over neutral territory, and will prove dull enough. I only hope it may help to divert your mind a trifle. Now listen—you are to proceed with twenty mounted men of the escort west as far as the foot-hills, and are expected to note carefully three things: First, the condition of forage for the sustenance of a wagon train; second, what forces of Federal troops, if any, are along the Honey- me.’” speak, so deeply did his words affect me. he conWayne,” “| fear, Captain tinued gravely, yet retaining my hand bring “that I must his own, within you sad news.” Instantly there came “Sead news?” widowed to me the thought of my trust, mother. “Not from home, ! wagon ‘ then, merciful = y = “ted 4 am grasped my For Major the and day before in He see mit ly opens utes of my receipt of this communt cation I was with Maitland, thanking nel Maitland truly believed he looked d upon a ghost when you first accoste him.” sav- distinguish in Richmond battle was. made to conceal our weakness, nor to disguise the fact that we were It was making a last desperate stand. fight every crude beginner at the joke trade usual- active service. Please report at these quarters immediately, fully equipped for the fleid.” fe Glad! It was the very medicine } most needed, and within twenty min- He! says, ‘He insult a voman, an’ vould not funny begins to look for words to make puns ranged to send you at once upon some to see if he vos der hound vot I vanted to horsevip.’ ‘Vel,’ I say, for it made Me much mad, ‘maybe you like to horsevip me?” ‘No,’ he says, laughing, ‘it vos a damn pup in der —th Virginia cavalry, named Vayne, I am after.’ I say, ‘Vot has he done?’ ogy for this poor reception, but you were reported as killed in action | I doubt not Colo many months ago. rec: -mé, framed of rides down both hie own, «-% bio leis Q1IY tween face lit up instantly with a rare smile. I cannot tell you Wayne, “Captain how greatly I rejoice at your safe reWe certainly owe you an apolturn. tad crept back through the darkness and passed his strong arm gently beneath my head. I heard him shouting in his deep voice to the driver for something to drink, but was unaware at any response. All became blurred, I thought it -eonfused, bewildering. was my mother comforting me. The faint gray daylight stole in at last over; I _ dark face He was a from stone. “Ve vos, captain.” ages chanting in horrid discord stuck my frenzied body full of blazing wrands. At:times I was awake, calling in vain for water to quench a ‘thirst which grew maddening, then | lapsed into a semi-consciousness that drove me wild with its delirious fan- ties. kindly conduct Captain Wayne to my headquarters, and see that he is furnished with a uniform suitable to his rank. “Phe —th Virginia? You were a captain? Surely this is not Philip Wayne?” So deeply surprised was his tone, so uncertain. his recognition, I scarcely knew what to answer. Had I lost my 1 for the will you aide upon my personal staff.” I turned away, the Major leading me as if I had been a child. I walked as. aman stunned by some sudden, unxepected blow. When I finally joined the mess upon the following. day, clad now in fit uniform, I had regained no small measure of self-restraint, and with it came likewise -enewal of the military spirit. My welcome proved extremely cordial, and the conversation of the others present soon placed in my possession whatever of incident had occurred since that disastrous day wander. while’ whirling Holmes, standing red face as impassive as though carved all terrible danced before to came, Major longer What have you man?” “Compliments of Colonel Maitland, chief of staff, sir,” he said, handing me a folded paper. “Dear Wayne:” the private note read, “Believing you would be glad to have the detail I have just ar: a step nearer. My tortured fever. gripped began too remain name. my ‘ |" all lost here. not “That is my 1 vould haf him to know how it all vos. It vos two months ago I go mit de fiag of truce into de Federal lines at Minersville. You know dat time? 1 vos vaitin’ for answer ven a Yankee rides oop, an’ looks me all ofer like | vos a hog. ‘Vel,’ I say, plain like, ‘vot you vant? He say, ‘I heard der vos Reb officer come in der lines, an’ I very identity? was this all a dream? “Iam Captain Wayne, Troop D,—th but endless. I knew we had reached the lower valley, for the road became more level, yet the slightest jolting mow was sufficient to render me erazed | must in tall, slender man, wearing a long gray moustache, and I no sooner viewed his face than I recognized him as having been one of those officers present in General Lee’s tent the day |! was sent out with dispatches. He glanced at me curiously, yet with no sign of recognition, but before he could pass I accosted him. “Colonel Maitland,” I said, “you doubtless remember me. I[ am seeking my old command; would you kindly inform me where it may be found?” RYinucinia.”? interminable, while each long mile we traveled brought with it new and greater agony of mind and body. power mérves them have not strength. .“Surely,” he said gravely, ‘I have seen your face before. To what regi‘ment were you attached?” “The —th Virginia Cavalry.” The buzzing of voices about me instantly ceased, and General Lee took pain through, my tortured body. May the mercifis God. ever nres-<° me from such.a ride again! It seemed were scatter my regiment.” closer about me, and was Zone. I caught the words of a sharp, ‘Short order, and the heavy wagon lurched forward, its wheels bumping over the irregularities in the road, each jolt sending a fresh spasm of followéd only For the present he will serve as extra terday, Somewhat that wonder- I had better address—for could recognized none of the faces fronting me—one among the group turned suddeniy, and took a hurried step in my direction, as though despatched upon Hospital He reached in, leaning down from §is saddle to do so, drew the blanket The \hours and wilderment; but my words had already reached the ears of the others, and before he had found an answer another voice spoke sternly “What is all this? Who are you, sir? What masquerade puts you into that parody of a captain’s uniform?” I turned and looked into the flushed, indignant face of General Lee. “It is no masquerade, sir,” I answered, instantly removing my hat; “it is the rightful uniform of my rank, greatly as I regret its present condition.” “Where are you from?” “I was discharged from St. Mary’s battle over- Brennan. them He stoppéd instantly at sound of my voice, and stared at me, in odd be- g rough the lines, they are confronted by Peenaa who is knocked senseless. Then, ers Edith adieu, Wayne makes a dash ae Ey He encounters Bungay: they ae the Lee camp and are sent with rea Pets to ee Fan at an errand of importance. while Wayne and My are left alone. They a hut You gazing -we other commands. But you yet fully recovered your e the is moment, ing whom Craig, an old army scout, Wayne on his mission. They get within the lines of mess Wayne that : Sergt. starts group of Confederate officers stood in converse beside the gate leading into the open driveway, and as | paused a The people demands pleasantries deliberately make up jokes that. will tickle us? The main source of newspaper jokes {fs the professional funny man. The funny man works in various ways. A ce | CORMRIGHT 2D’ ACME CLURG ECO. SYNOPSIS. new day. .The doctors say that our phragms must be tickled or we die. How can anybody sit down | cl oth thousand ! | WHO DOES WRITE THE JOKES? | through drawn in its palm, a@ a while small the between brushes are provided fingers to smooth down the nap of any the suction raises. Keep to Old Custom. At the 600-year-old Audlem church, is in Cheshire, England, the curfew regularly rung, after which the date of the month is tolled, a survival of the~ times when no almanacs existed. |