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Show OFF DUTY. (rib MARK I" 3Ln -- ry. Miss Smlff Oh, doctor, do you know you look perfectly killing lbl:i evening? ltoctor Thank you, but I am not. I'm off duty, you know. SUFFERED TERRIBLY. How Relief from Dietreeeing Trouble Wee Found. Mrs. Elizabeth Woir, Bt., Tipton, Mo., says: IIE diM-jj.lin- G'JARANTtfcl bladder It a climax spring and SALT 170 ''MAIN LAMS Cl IX UTAH ft WHAT MOVED HIM. The extravagant hate which the ladles have been wearing this yew have little to recommend them, but they have at least proved a boon to the comic artists and the funny men of the newspapers. Here Is a Jen d'esprlt taken from the Chicago Tribune: The rain, which had come suddenly . and unexpectedly, waa lolling la Among the persons who had taken shelter under a frleudly awnwoing was a fashionably dressed man. "I beg your pardon, madam," said a plainly attired mau considerably past middle age, stepping up to her and lifting his hat, "but 1 want to offer you my sincere thanks. What do you mean, air?" she said. "Thanks for what?" "I never expected to see It again, he went on. "It has been nearly thirtoe-rents- W. Morgan "Inflammation reached lirnt Kidney ENTIRE holiday season and especially Y Chris! mas day. Is an occasion V'W.'A f,,r "lett.iig iliiwii the Lera'' with reference to the sjki Jr perniiiiicl of the enlisi d force of the V. S. navy. is enforced on Ordinarily pretty i lid klfc the w : i sli ips of our navy-- ms Is neeoii'ry where so in cio. e quarters many n.on are crowded tog-il- er but at the joyous yuic-tidseason the officers ure wont to nllow tin bluejackets pretty free rein for their frolics. This latitude is uiiowrd uni neiciy because ui;il turns week is universally reeepiiixed as Hu oceasluii f.r aid merriment, fully us ioiui Is lie fact that a gem ml good time at Christmas keeps Jack from gelling homesick for the sort of family ge-w- 3K8 the of - THERE ARE 100 REA60NS Why you should by your Christmas Jewelry of us. One is our RELIABIL ITY. Never mind the others. Write at once your needs and we will give you all the attention we could if you called In person. i, crrvjT77 OF- 1 suf- fered terribly. My back ached and pained so I could hardly get around and the accretions were sranty, frequent of passage I was and painful. tired all the time and very nervous. I began using Doan's Kidney Pills, and after taking a few boxes was cured and have been well ever since." Itemember the name Ilona's. Hold by all dealers. 50 rents a box. Foster-Mllbur- n Co., Buffalo, N. Y. ty yean Slow Recovery. "Is the editor out?" asked a visitor WMTNff CHMSTNAS LETTEHS TO THE SLUA'J HT HUME to the office of the lihlgevlllo Banner. "Yes, sir," answered the editor's reunion that most other people are enjoying during the closing Sam's tars small assistant, ''lie's gone out to week of December. Of course, any one of Pnt-lChristmas at home if the ship to put away a Jug of licker loft by a sub- limy enjoy an which he is attached huppens to he In a port where 1,1s parents scriber." "Do you think It will take him long or other relatives reside, but. naturally, that Is a rare continto put It away?" gency for any of the hoys In blue. The average naval seaman Naw, sir, It won't take him long Is bound to be away from home uu Christmas and lie lays plans tor put It away, but after that he arrordlngly. Many of the feutures of the average Christmas program In won't be ablu ter do uutlilu' fur a the navy indicate above all else that excess of animal spirits week." that might be expected from a whole conimuiiity of and to Mothers. milltantly healthy young men who have been cooped up Important Examine carefully every bottle of for aonie time previously. This accounts for the prominence CAUTOHIA, a safe and sure remedy for given to sports and athletic contests In the program. Infants and children, and ace tbat It Of course muscular competitions do not monopolize attention Bears the events on the on this day of days. There are other of December, not forgetting the traditional Christtwenty-fiftof Signature mas spread and the almost inevitable minstrel show which In Use For Over .Ml Years. Is connection with these, by the way, The Kind You Uavo Always Bought rounds out the day. It In play many of the pranks, the privithat the lege of practicing which they claim as their Inalienable right Coming to Terms. Possible Bonnier Ah, that waa a on such occasions. naval sailor dearly loves a Joke on any Your ripping dinner, and If that waa a fair display tbat sample of your meala, I should like to ocraslon and all through the year the bluejackets come to terms. propensity for playing pranks that might be expected of a body Scotch Farmer Before we gang of husky lads who combine with strenunsity tbat Irresponsl CNRA5TMAS ATHLETICS any further, waa that a fair sample blllty which comes with the romfortlng assurance it V THE NAVY of an unfailing supply of substantial food and o yer apjietite? warm clothing. At Christmas this spirit reaches Christmas in New York harbor. This means plena climax. The tars play pranks on each other; Taking the Tips. of entertainment for the bluejackets when they ty 11 hla hotel?" who on their cannot officers, "Why did Dollarby they play pranks "He wasn't making money faat resent such attentions at this time, and they are have "shore leave," and It likewise gives many of the tars opportunity to entertain fair friends enough. pretty apt to play prnnks on every body In sight. alioard and proudly show them over the floating on Christmas morn"What la he doing now?" before in start daylight They fortress. "He's luxuriating In the position of ing, when many of the boys swing head waiter." themselves out of their hammocks unusually early In order to "dress" Rheumatism and Neuralgia never could ship with holiday greens ere set akinc with lUniliu Wizard OiL the sun Is up. Wizard Oil always drives them sway the from the premise id short order. Usually the gibes for the officers are reserved for the minstrel Our Idea of heaven Is a place big show In the evening, but there enough to make It possible for people have been occasions In the history to bo without neighbors. of the nnvy when the bluejackets since" "Since what, sir? What are you talking about?" "P&rdon my emotion madam, but I used to Kve In Salt Lake City and " 1 have nothing to do with Salt Lake Chy, sir. I never was there in my life. But I was. That was my home tot many yea; s. And when I saw "When you saw what?" That hat of yours, madam. It brought back the old thrill. Its an exact reproduction of the great Mop men tabernacle, which my eyes have been aching through all the weary years to Bee once more before I die My longing has been sort laded at last, and I thank you from the bottom of grateful heart! Again lifting his hat, he stepped forth Into the pouring rain and strode rapidly down the street. Knew Hie Business. "I had always heard that New r were smart, " a young physician who had "graduated" from a village practice remarked the othet day, "but I hardly thought it developed at such an early age." He smiled reminiscently, then continued: "Just after I settled In Dobbs Coo ners a twelve-year-ol- d boy called on me one evening. Say, Doc, I guess I got measles.' he remarked, but nobody known it cept the folks at home, an they amt ll ordered that such functions shall take place on the kind of folks that talk, If theres some other day and that the men be given prac- any good reason to keep quiet I was puzzled, and I suppose I tically a free day for their own amusement It Bluejackets K'ho do not attend as participants or looked " Aw, get wise. Doe, my small visonlookers the Christmas athletic program may often be found on tha Holiday reading in some un- itor suggested. What will you give frequented corner of the ship, wri- me to go to school an spread It among Uppin ting to loved ones at home, play- all the kids In the village?1 ing cards, or mayhap exchanging cotts. Christmas geetlngs with friends on She Did as 8he Was Told. other ships of the fleet by means "Now remember, Mary, the teacher of the picturesque wig-wa- g system said just before the school exercises, of flag signaling. "If you forget some of the words when Lou are singing your song, don't stop, The Business Instinct. keep right on. Say A email Detroit boy was given a or something like that and drum for a Christmas present, and the words wlllcome back to you and was beating It vociferously on the will know the difference. Now nobody a nervous neighbor sidewalk, when don't forget." A CHRISTMAS ARGUMENT appeared and asked: How much On exhibition day little Mary did jour father pay for that drum, morning la the now the llelly- aad the Mlnle-t- ue her audience with my little man? " and she wore a wreath of Met. aad ntralghtmar lele nrgnaieat the? frill "Twenty-fiv- e was the cents, sir," Aad the Holly la hla pride hla very hardrat tried roeea, around her tummy-tum-tum.reply. To a lion he wao hy far the greatest swell. Will you take a dollar for It?" You Cant Beat Her. Oh, H'a folly, folly, folly! rrled the Mlaletee te "Oh, yer, sir," said the boy eagThe Ideal wife to the one whe Holly, Ma said she hoped Id sell erly. "To site oarer If the allly afro yaa dot her husband tells everything It for ten cents." Kor mo'll very auoa gad sat that the world, with, The exchange was made, and the her. oat a dooht, t'uald get aloag guile aleely without you. drum put where it wouldnt make Circumstantial Evidence. any more noise, and the nervous A witness In a railroad case at Fort Ah, I kaow, I kaow, I kauw!" said Holly to tko man chuckled over his stratagem. !H lair toe, Worth, asked to tell In his own way But to his horror, when he got how You've uo ravloaa ao ever yea raa br the socldent happened, said: home that night, there were four you're rroaa aad aagry very, Vaaac yaa Ole and I was walking down "Well, haven't got a berry drums beating In front of his the Rrd, aad round, aud bright and beautiful, like and I beard a whistle, and I track, house, and as he made hie appearme. ' off the track, and the train went got the ance, leader stepped up and Answered Mlaletoc then, lungklngt and I got hack on the track, and Why, of said, cheerfully: These are my by, eourae you're only rkalBug. I didn't see Ole; but I walked along, I've a krrrry too, ao pure aad wklte aa mow. cousins, sir. I took that dollar and soon I seen Ole's hat. and Kvrry Christmas time they dad me. aad they take bought four new drums. Do you and pretty me la aad blad me than I seen one of Oles arms, and want to us for $4 give them? Jaat above the door, ae very well you kuw, The nervous neighbor rushed In- then another leg, and then over one M hat a silly tale you're telllag! scoffed the Hoi to the house in despair, and the side Olee head, and I says. My Ood! ly, proudly awrlllag, drum corps Is doubtless beating Something muster happen to Ole! For esc of you thry11 use a dooea of me. lou're oa laferluplag perooai aad you oaly grow, Everybody's Magazine. yet In front of hie house. hifi wvnify mi Th braarhra Devil's Tail a Good Thing. Mnt Iter kill ef tree. Doctors Venue Lawyers. Now, to children. I'm the symbol of the alghta "Papa, said a youngster, "haa the whea Most lawyers take a keen delight devil got a tall? Illlod-Uao- 'a Huff,' and aueh gnmea keep them "Some folks say so," answered the out of bed trying to confuse medical experts Aad the pluopuddlog at in the witness box In murder trials, father. or I'm a slnaer, and often they get paid back In "That must be nice." Alwayo haa a sprig af holly la hla head." their own coin. A case Is recalled "Nice? and why? Thra the Mlnlrtoe snld, wlaklagt There's Jaat aas where the lawyer, after exercising "Because he can tie It to hla little small pnlat, I'm thlaklug. all the tangling tactics without ef- boy's cart and pull him along." In That yea have altegethrr felled te aeei fect, looked quizzically at the doc- lependenre, Kansas, Reporter. If at Chrlatmaa time lm mlaalag, why there raa't be ear kleelag! tor who was testifying and said: At Last a Cure. Se tha palm, yea maat admit, brleage ts mm" "You will admit that doctors There be less dyspepsia In would sometimes make New the meral ef thla etery Im If yea're larlleed mistakes, won't the world If the hole In the doughnut te glery you? la year ewe Importance, you are Bare fa dad were surrounded by nothing "Oh. yes; the same as lawyers, That la ethrrs1 rallmattoa yoa've a leas Important was the cool reply. Mutton, It Looks 8erious. "And doctors' Aud la argameat yea may get left behind. mistakes are "The duke and hla fiance don't buried six feet under ground," was apeak. the lawyers triumphant reply. Just a lovers' spat, no doubt Yes," he replied, and the law this It more serious. Their No; often In the yers' mistakes swing quarreled. Kansas air. Philadelphia Public Ledger. lawyers have City Journal. yule-tid- e Eng-lander- s red-lette- h keen-witte- d iMrotwini.n kini MurlM. to R?,,raS,ra Itovta 5,rrT liiinktllr. UHthplimr mir, ll Ui)m ill druiwtai fee uil fee bum? !, At It'a one thing to run Into debt and another to crawl out. OmrtljMtliiii eft tirm Hud tcrtinjily Mnwitct miijr oIhhumi. ll Is llemiwlilj mml hy iir. Httree'fe NIfm 'iluy mihuhuiusI khuuIm. Better a ioor man rich man In Jull. at large than a vos tVixivSewm CLcomscs Vt System tjJccluaWy. Dispds cois QRanca&aalrcs dwoo CowsYxyuVvow; Ads taWaWy, acsnty as aLaxaVwt. Bgs nxi-yo- Jot NcaJVbwvfcu and OU. uu played decidedly practical jokes on superiors In connection with the Christmas dinner. For instance, at Shanghai. China, a few years ago, a delegation of the enlisted men got ashore almost as coon as the ship dropied anehor In port, and having forestalled the wearers of gold braid they proceeded to corner" the ll:ufttd market of turkeys. Thus they had plentiful slices of the light and dark meat at their spread, while the ward-roomess had to put up with a not altogether satisfactory substitute. The high prices paid for fowl on this occasion constitute but one of many Illustrations that might be cited to prove how lavish anything their than ir witch are the bluejackets In their expenditures when It come to providing ammunition for the proper observ- ance of Christmas. The mischievous nature of these boys grown tall crops out In the character of ninny of the contests that take pWe on Christmas after noon. There are boxing, wrestling and fencing contests that are In deadly earnest, but there are also such merriment makers as egg races, potato races, three-leggeraces, sack races, etc., and Anally there are ludicrous contests and similar stunts. A time honored Christmas prank aboard Yankee lighting ships Is that wherein a procession of fantastically garbed sailors visits the captain's quarters, carrying a bucket of whitewash, and petitions the commanding officer to literally or figuratively wipe out all scores or demerits standing against members of the crew for minor Infractions of the rules. If the master of the crart Is not utterly lacking In that tact and discernment which makes for popularity In the navy, he hastens to take cognizance or the spirit of the day by granting this request for universal clemency. The opportunities for enjoyment open to our American bluejackets at Christmas have been materially enhanced by the present policy of paving the warships, whenever possible spend the holidays In some populous port For lasts nee, the plan, at this writing, Is to have the Mg battleship flret spend g To Ys bencj'xclol cJJccXs. always bey Ike Genuine,, gel unikclwW by tk CALIFORNIA Syrup Ca Fig SOLO BY one ALL LEADING DRUGGISTS oaf only, regular price 50 per bottls. BfoHSabjndBcItforMLer VLl I list CURE UKM gOWSDS TO to laks sad has fms cpilc. It (oatkn sad beak ibe ackiiwthioat sad uwreiialfU and child. sight! to both All seal Dnwtoi SS oiW eleo-trifle- d " e lr, A Time to Give, Wasnt Certain. Every boy and glfl should make So Arthur proposed Btbel last something to give to another at night? Did you accept him?" Christmas time; there Is scarcely Maud T was so awfully excited I anyone who Is not able to do some- don't know whether I accepted him thing to make another person hap- or not. If he comes tonight I did, and season of the year. py at this If hs doesn't I didn't" |