Show REVISING THE CENSUS ye Gives Some Results of His Expurgatory Labors SAMPLES OF IMPURE THOUGHT Vhicli He Ran Across Araone tbe Otherwise Immaculate Returns Freely Given t the PnMlc uPon Tm SnKDAT HeRD By special I arrangement with the author i My thanks are due v tho printer for advance sheet promptly received of a little brochure entitled The Literary Side of the Census the receipt or ipe rather of which i hereby gratefully grate-fully acknowledged It i a little volume of less than 200 rages neatly printed by the government ment I think I i going to be a rapid seller and a great boon I is compiled from answers on file at tho Census bu eau mainly regarding the interrogato Tfes issued by consent and connivance of government relating to incurnbrances on property and other private matters The publication of tho book reveals for the firet time the true reason for these compulsory com-pulsory answers Acting upon the hint already given by thrifty publishers and syndicates who write t eminent people occasionally asking them how they earned their first money and whether they have it yet and if so whether they would bo willing to loan some of it etc the bureau has it drawers now full of statistics as one night say and with no cost at all i going to issue th book a son a I have looked it over carefully and done some expurgating Mr Wan amaker says ho will cheerfully put it on his bargain counter if I will go through it carefully and see that it i pure My esteemed contemporary the editor of The Congressional Record has gone through it but in a slightly cursory manner 1 think and quite a number of I thnk qute impure thoughts have escaped his eagle I eye thoughts which of course might be permitted in a deliberative body but I not in tho mails Those who have Iil Toso hve happened I hap-pened t be in the postal car on n hot day when an impure thought ya i I I transit win agree with the writer that it ought to be stopped especially during the crowded seasons when the mails aro F already overtaxed with their burden of 1 business f lottery bue I I could have my way I would have appointed by the president a large committee com-mittee of mind readers t have general supervision of tho United States and the moment any person was detected haying hay-ing an impure thought tho committee should haivo power to hit him back of tho car with club and take him before the cd Tho time i surely coming when tho now lawless think retort of the great thinking word wilLhave t become be-come subservient t the laws of tho land This will be general at that tme People plo who have surreptitiously thought damn for centuries will be brought up and exposed It will astonish a good may I think It will create a complete pane No ono but the dignified and noncommittal idiot will be safe But I fear that I am digressing The book above referred to embodies some odd information regarding indebtedness indebt-edness and sheds light at times incidentally incident-ally on some points not embodied in the census regulations and contemplated by the act authorizing the taking of the census I w give a few of these re plies bearing on the mortgaged condition condi-tion of property and the reasons there for carefully eliminating names and iOn i residences On man who writes a very poor I hand says 1 have mortgaged my place for 900 to a neighbor of mine in order I t gbve my daughter good schooling and accomplish her so as she could do well iBho learnt t eat pio with a fork and play The Maidens Prayer on tho piano and then married whats called an rut Ho made an ascension lost spring and they didnt find him till last Fourth of July when a brother of hisn made an ascension at the same place and vhen he come down ho discovered my eoninlaw i a te Ho reckonized Mm before he seen him he said The widow and children are stopping at home now along with me and mother I will lift the mortgage as soon as I can if will this to It i you w keep ths yourself I Martha deal when this galdod Mrh a good del th r 3 V1I P rDUGATG THE BOOK her misalliance was made with the balloon feller and if it should all Ret into on country paper my life would bean be-an hell on earth Another man who is somewhat garru IoU SlYf There is a little incnmbranco on my place of some 1000 and interest from 1879 at 10 per cent I hope to pay i as coon as I get my pension and arrears ar-rears of sara I fact I would not have mcitgagevl lint with the hope of raising tho money long ago by that means All mortgages are given I think with something some-thing in viow which i expected to wipe out the indebtedness That is where we get disappointed and left I think do not yon yonNow Now Ive got a good deal better claim for pension than a great many people that has got their papers through all right years ago but when I present my Claim folks seem to be pleased about something and go away and thats the en1 of it I was a peculiar case but I flo not see anything no allfired mirthful about it myself I was like this In the fall of 63 1 was a kind of assistant commissary and j we had been ou a forced march for two lays trying to draw the attention of tho enemy from the main column and sue reefling so well that we became very iwuuJar with the southern soldiery We > sent in our regrets and then lit out but land sakes they just seemed like they couldnt lve and they didnt coudt give u up so ddnt get off on coat tails for fortyeight hours 1 havent got my breath yet to tell you the truth but that aint to the point exactly Finally the rebel horde a they were called at that time quit and after shooting shoot-ing a few of us enough for a mess probably i prob-ably they turned around and went back tomonkey with the main column which had improved the time by securing much needed rest and change of scene I The following day we camped near a deserted still which had three barrels of nice new warm whisky in it We captured capt-ured these and they were placed in charge of the commissary The troops I were very much exhausted and begged for some of this liquor but it was ex f 3rAyS atLD I WHY DOE EVERYBODY LAUGH AT ME plained to them by our colonel that the stuff was almost sure death and besides that there wasnt more than enough for the officers That night the liquor was stored in an old tobacco barn that stood on a side h and the commissary took charge of I it Pardon my going into detail this way but when I see a bureau just panting I pant-ing for private information I like to load it up and only wish that the American I people would join me in th praiseworthy praise-worthy endeavor I I The liquor was extremely rocky I guess but thats neither here nor there I The silence of night gathered about tho sleeping encampment and tired nature I I soon yielded to overpowering fatigue I All was silence along tho misty line of I slumbering forms save the near by I I crunching and grinding of provender by I the jaded horses or the distant report as I some faithful picket discharged his duty Then all was silent again Anon tho breaks and with it Aon day bre a wild mellow howl from Company G j known the Sparklingandbrightinits i also the tee i liquidlight company alo tce totlers This was calculated to be sarcastic I toter I castle because they had painted every j I southern state a bright red tarring i Texas and that was too big for their stock so they run out of paint j Well these fellers were 1 exti eel j full and they went on to state that they I were glad of it They had been heard 1 to speak disparagingly of the rebellion I I several times and t say also that if they were home again they would be almost I willing to let l the colored man break his own fetlocks in such style a he might I deem proper They said a great many things about tho inconvenience of being chased and shot at for two days running by an infuriated foe at 13 per month and find ones self I Later on we ascertained that the liquor had been secured by incendiaries I who had stolen two barrels out of three and almost out from under our noses This very naturally infuriated our offi I cers who had had only one or two big drinks out of it so far preferring to wait a day or two in order that it would have more age I tasted of it myself once so I was told by friends who held my head all the day afterward I couldnt help thinking at tho time that if this sort of liquor was general in the south piracy treason and the use of cuspidors in the sanctuary ought not to be looked upon so severely a they would where a less malignant stylo of rum was in general circulation Well to make along story short M Census Burro I was selected t guard the remaining barrel that night I put it up on a trestle locked the doors and I laid down alongside the trestle in my I blankets and waited for day I kept I awake for probably an hour though it I seemed to me like a year Then the crickets sounded further and further I away and that was a for I was tired I Oh s I was indeed very tired I wasnt doing regular guard duty recollect recol-lect Burro but sort of volunteer police duty dutyAlong about 1 oclock I should say I was woke up by a sharp pain in my person and with a shriek of agony which was heard distinctly by loyal neighbors of mine in Montreal who said that it reminded j I re-minded them of the shriek made by Freedom j Free-dom at the time when Eoscinsko fell I stood in the middle of the floor wrapped I in my own sad thoughts and an army i shirt which did not extend t the close sh te cose of the war by any means 1 As I darted away from what seemed t be the sting of an overgrown hornet such a one might run across while rambling ram-bling through Satans preserves I saw in the uncertain light tho retreating bit of I a twoinch auger Then I could make out dimly a large collection of auger holes distributed around over tho floor 1 evidently in a vain search for spirits and j below I heard the footfall of escaping soldiery a they fell over each other in I their efforts to escape I The whisky was saved and in one of j the battles which occurred soon afterward > after-ward I think it won u the day for our colonel was so ill natured because of tho head ho had upon him ou that dw that before any one could pacify him > v > rushed in end killedquito a lot of tho enemy thus weakening them and turning turn-ing their Hank wrong side out which we took vantage of and it gave us the victory But I have never been the same man since I was so horribly bored I never feel sue of my victuals unless of the very coarsest character and I suffer great pain at times What I cannot understand un-derstand is that so many people regard the whole matter a mirth provoking Even quiet sensible old people who are not at a frivolous give themselves up to paroxysms of laughter when I tell my sad tle Why should old silver haired people whoso bloom has been rubbed off for many a year let off a peal of laughter because my pancreas is weather beaten and the night air whistles through my thoracic ducts i i I have put in all the testimony that anybody neod t I think regarding the J fcse andjiave sworeto everything that Ito I my attorney has besought me to sweat swea-t For six months my right hand a in the air all the time it seemed t me and my neighbors all have been real good about swearing things I have changed works with some of them that way swearing to their things you see where they was old comrades like and they swearing to mine in return Ono man Fll never forget his kindness kind-ness to me swore that he was at the auger when it struck me He gave the date and everything all the circumstances I circum-stances regarding the case and said that after midnight they had invested some two thousand auger holes in tho floor and extended them into the atmosphere above when he was called upon to t He said he took the auger with a heavy I heart but made a last appeal hoping to bore into the barrel and fill a washtub which was held in place by two sad eyed boys who had been whooping of it up the night before and so pined now for something to moisten their mouths which a they expressed it had a flavor which reminded them of a basket of pups He said he all at once heard a yell which turned the hairspring in his watch perfectly white He jerked the auger out and according to his swom testimony on the end it had a fragment frag-ment of an old army shirt and D birthmark birth-mark which he recognized saying to I those about him My God we have bored into tho commissarys assistant let n begone without delay I After such testimony as this I thought I would only have to establish my own identity and assert on oath that my vitals I vi-tals are constantly exposed to the night air and my finer feelings aro liable at I any moment to fall out and be appropriated ated bv others 1 did so state to tho commissioner of pensions who replied in the a flippant way referring me to bureau of vital statistics and stating that a friend of his had just perfected an awning to bo worn over such apertures to keep tho works of those who had been bored into in that way from getting freckles on them So 1 have mortgaged my place thinking think-ing it was perfectly safe to do so and that a beneficent government would listen to my sorrows and pity my great misfortune But the surplus has came and it has went away and 1 am left hero on my mortgaged farm trying to raise the mortgage with ono hand and hold my pancreas in with the other while you people at Washington full of fu good victuals and high purposes sit there on the woolsack as it were ready to burst with ill concealed laughter laugh-ter every time I display iny wound Dog on such a government I say and I say it fearless too Who cares a tinkers mill site for mirth and multiplication tables and mean temperature and the mortality among microbes when folks are suffering on every hand You seem I to think you are saving the great ship of I j state by asking mo to state on oath that I am in debt and not only gratify the idle and venomous curiosity of your old i senseless burro that hasnt been ablo j yet to count a single town correct since I know it but then yon must also come i and ask mo to swear to any shame and make oath publicly to my tottering 1 credit creditGo i G to you old intellectual pus cavity I cav-ity Go home you old ctirling ass and put a breadandmilk poultice on your I morbid curiosity Get out vaunt and i dont wisto anytime about it Go homo 1 and tell vou folks to bar tho dopr when j they sea the fatigued Washington fool killer Ii coming Tell them ft I said sol There are others many others that are of interest but Epace will not permit of any further at this time 1 shall no doubt in my work of expurgating find others which may be published in the press in tho future P SI already have a very flattering offer for tho u of such replies to the census a I may think best t expurgate BN |