OCR Text |
Show A JUDGE'S CHARGES WITH VARIATIONS. Judge Black, of Georgia, was noted for the way he got mixed in his charges to the jury. On one occasion a case was tried before him, the points of which may be briefly stated thus: Smith brought suit against Jones upon a promissory not given for a horse. Jones' defense was failure of consideration, he averring that at the time of the purchase the horse had the glanders, of which he died and that Smith knew it. Smith replied that the horse had not have the glanders, but had the distemper, and that Jones knew it when he bought. The judge charged the jury: "Gentlemen of the jury, pay attention to the charge of the court. You have already made one mistrial of this case because you did not pay attention to the charge of the court, and I don't want you to do it again. I intend to make it so clear to you this time that you cannot possibly make any mistake. This suit is upon a note given for a promissory horse. I hope you understand that. Now if you find that at the time of the sale Smith had the glanders, and Jones knew it. Jones cannot recover. That is clear, gentlemen. I will state it again. If you find that at the time of the sale Jones had the distemper, and Smith knew it, then Smith cannot possibly recover. But, gentlemen, I will state it a third time, so that you can not possibly make a mistake. If at the time of the sale Smith had the glanders, and Jones had the distemper, and the horse knew it, then neither Smith, Jones, nor the horse can recover. Let the record be given to the jury."-Exchange. HE SWORE OFF.-"Yes, my dear, I'm going to stop smoking. I'll be a slave to the filthy weed no longer. See, there goes my last cigar," and he recklessly threw a half inch butt into the street. "But George, dear, do you think you can stop?" "Stop? Well, I should say I could. I can stop anything. I'll show you what I'm made of. Nerve? well I guess I have plenty. You just see how easy it is for me to stop." The next night he came home late, had his supper, and spent the rest of the evening drumming on the table and whistling-a very unusual think for him to do. He did this for three nights. The fourth night he kicked his pet cat across the room and landed her on the bookcase, and when his wife remonstrated he tried to spread a smile over his face, but it was a sickly attempt, and proved a failure. He shortly after kicked over a chair, and said if she couldn't keep the home cooler he would walk on the veranda for the rest of the evening, and for a straight hour he walked up and down the veranda like a sentinel on his beat. When he came in the house again his wife said: "My dear, do you know it's four days now since you left off smoking those horrid cigars?" "Oh, it is eh? and I smoked horrid cigars, did I? ‘Spose you think I got ten for a quarter. It's a nice way to help a man along-keep bringing up the subject when he had entirely forgotten it. Oh, yes, you're a nice one to help a man break off a bad habit. Any one would think you owned a cigar store to hear you talk. Scat! you beast, I'll break every bone in your body." But the cat escaped this time and he landed on his back, and for the next two days he stayed down the street and never put in an appearance once. But the second night he came home about twelve o'clock and his wife let him in. "Zorry, my (hic) dear, to disturb you, but I met Dr. (hic) B- down town, an' he zed he could give me somethin' that would make me (hic) forget that I ever smoked." "Oh, he did, did he?" "Yez, ‘um, and I got it at a drug store. It's a new thing, b'lieve he called it (hic) stone fence. Hurrah! Never'll smoke ‘gain long's I live. Never felt (hic), my dear, so good before'n my life!" "Oh, you feel good, do you, and you will never smoke again, and you have taken a stone fence, have you. Well, by the way you zig-zag along, I should say you had swallowed a rail fence." And the way she rushed him to bed was a caution, and she would bet all her Christmas presents that he would smoke to morrow, or it would be because she couldn't make it hot enough for him.-Our Second Century. A DUTCHMAN, sitting in the door of his tavern, in the far West is approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot, with a bundle hung on a cane over his shoulder. "Vell Mister Valking Stick, vat you vant?" inquired the Dutchman. "Rest and refreshment," replied the printer. "Supper and lotchin', I reckon?" "Yes, supper and lodging, if you please." "Be ye a Yankee peddler, and chewelry in your pack to cheat der gal?" "No sir, I'm no Yankee peddler." "A singin' master, too lazy to vork?" "No, sir." "A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure de gal's feet and hankles better tan to make der shoes." "No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes." "A book achent vot bodders der school committees till they do vot you wish, choose to get rid of you?" "Guess again, sir; I am no book agent." "Ter ?? A dentist, preaking der people's jaw at a dollar a schnag, and runnin' off mit a daughter?" "No, sire, I am no tooth puller." "Phrenologus, den; feeling der young folk's hands like so many cabbitch?" "No; I am no phrenologist." "Vell, den, vat der ?? can you be? Choost tell, you shall have der best ?? or supper, and stay all night, free grains, witout a cent, and a chill of whisky to start out mit in de morn." "I am an humble disciple of Faust-a professor of the art which preserves all arts-a typographer, at your service." "Votach dot?" "A printer, sir, a man that prints books and newspapers." "A man vot printeth nosepapers! Oh yaw, yaw! Volk up! A man vot printach nosepapers! I vish I may be shot if I dit not think you was a poor ?? of a district schoolmaster who works for nodding, and boards round. I tought you vas him?"-Burlington Hawkeye. |