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Show JOHN HENRY BY GEO. V. HOBART". ("HUGH M'HUQH.") iBH Dear Hunch: In Paris, eh? Olvo my regards to the Afuulln Kongo, won't you? " I notlco what you sny In your letter about buying a couple of French automobiles auto-mobiles In Paris, ono of the same being be-ing for mo. I'm glad lo seo you have such n sweet disposition, Hunch, but ulx on tbo Hubble. Not for yours hastily. I'vo caught nil the diseases to date except tbo nutomoblllous fever. While walking around tho city streots I hnvo been making a deep study of whiz wagons, Hunch, but so close wns the machinery (o my outposts out-posts nt the time and so eager wns I to get out of tho woy that perhaps I am prejudiced. Tho nutomohllo Is the rich man's wlno nnd tho poor man's chaser. It keeps our streets full of red, whlto and bluo streaks all tho livelong So Close Wat the Machinery, day, and if tho weary pedestrian Is not supplied with n ball-bearing neck his chnncn of Rotting homo is null nnd void. As far as I can figure It nut. tho safest part of tho machine Is tho chauf four, because ho knows which way to Jump. Oh! how I admlro thoso chauffeurs who point the machine nt you and dnro you to got out of tho way. Wo havo no word In tho English language lan-guage which Is brash enough to sit on n busy bnrouchn and cut loose Thnt's why wo had to roach over to Paris and pull a word nut of the French. Chauffeur Is tho word wo grabbed, and I think wo ought to glvo It bnck at tho first opportunity. Did you over notlco ono of those particular guys when they try to say chauffeur? His mouth looks llko n hot waffle. Tho first careless cart wo ovor had In this country wns called tho "Coroner's "Cor-oner's Delight," because tho only man that, met It on tbo road wont back homo In sections, and, Incldentnliy, on n shutter. Tho motto of tho nutomohllo is: "Hump others, or thoy will bump you I" And tho nutomohllo fncol Canyon tlo It?. Tho nutomohllo faco Is caused by tho fact that faces can't ride ns fas as machinery; consequently, tho muscles mus-cles botweon tho Hps nnd tho mouth bocomo overtrained and loso their cunning. cun-ning. If you wish to buy nn nutomohllo for yourself nnd becomo n chauffeur, do so, Hunch, upd Peaches and I will miss your boyhh laughter nbout tho houso, and wo will sit by thq flroildo In the twilight and talk nbout what you The Automobile Face. might havo been if you hadn't gono out of our lives so abruptly. 1 don't wish to discqurngo you, Hunch, but if you hnvo a bundle of spnro coin, why don't you Invest It in n building lot In thq suburbs? a lot which rurm not bnckwards or forwards, for-wards, and which bites not llko nn adder ad-der nor stlngoth llko a eorppnt, nnd upon which no coronor can sit for any length ot tlmo without getting tho lumbago. Speaking of gasoline naturally brines us to kerosene Wo havo been getting along nicely out bore In tho country, with tho posslblo pos-slblo exception that Peaches has tried to assassinate all tho mosquitoes In tho neighborhood with almost fatal results to herself. Peaches seems to have labored under tho Impression that tbo proper way to assassinate a mosquito Is to throw n bomb at It and then cross the fingers and hope for tho best. At any sate, sho road somowhoro In n book that the kindest way to assassinate as-sassinate the moequlto is to coax, a hunch of th-m up In tho corner and throw vlt;'t In ilielr faces, which gen-orally gen-orally causes Uic, to be ashamed of themselves and makes thetn lead loss bloodthirsty lives. Well, Peaches tried thlu Idea, but it M happened thai my best pair of trim .-,' 'weiw iiai'ihiuS Til lot) krtiiifi cue ner which she picked out to work her third degree on the skeets, with the re suit thut my tmuser departed this world In greet haste, while the mosquitoes mosqui-toes put thtlr stingers up their sleeves and ran away, laughing wildly. Then I took Peaches out In a vacant lot, fur froui the bosom of hor family, fam-ily, andraxp:jiued to her the seienilflo dlfToronro betw n mosqultoos and a paid of nliin-dnllnr trousers, to nil of BbBhbI which sho listened with much pa- H tlcncc, except when I swore too loud. Hut sho was not discouraged nny! Tho next day sho rend In n paper BBBBJ that keroscno oil was tho only genu BaflTfll Ino nnd rellnhlo wny to overcome th mosquito, so she went after them b? IH tho flBYflVJ The article In tho paper didn't giv H full instructions bow to uso the kerc- lf Bene, so Peaches thought It all out BBbVI for awhile, nnd then shn poured about BbTH halt n gallon of oil In the bathtub BBbJI BJBBb I think she expected tho mosquitoes BBbB to wnlk Into tho bath-room, undress, BBBBJ grab tho soap nnd plunge into tho B keroscno oil, whero thoy would perish BBbB mlsernbly without even cutting n BBBB cbanco to throw up tbo sponge, BBbB Hut none of tbo mosquitoes in our HH houso felt thnt It was necossary to 'BBBBJ Inko n bath, so that schemo failed, whllo worso nnd morn ravenous nnd H moro pitiless grow tho hungor of the H pests which wero using us for u meal H ticket BKBKB Then somobody told Peaches that H the right way to npply keroscno oil BBbB was to put It In n sprinkling ran, then BBbB dash up behind tho enemy und flYflpJ sprlnklo them on tho lumbar region. BBBB To seo Peaches chasing n bovy ot BEBEB mosquitoes nround tho parlor with fire .BEBEB In hor eyes, n rnrpot-swoepor In her H loft hand nnd a sprinkling can full ol ''flBjVJ korosouo oil In hor right hand was a BbBbI Dash Up Behind the Enemy. sight such ns theso eyes of mlno novcr f beforo beheld, If the flro from her nyes had ovor, reached tho koroseno holy smoko! BKBB On tho lovol, Hunch, it there was BEBB nny plnco In our houso which Peaches J didn't sprinkle with koroseno it must hnvo been n few of my collars nnd cuffs which hadn't camo from tho & For two days, Hunch, It rained kero- jflftBH senu In our household. , 9BbJ For breakfast the toast was scenteu BBbJ with keroscno, nnd It floated llko a ZiV'flBflB rainbow on top of tho cuttee. V -ftBKBJ For luncheon tho codfish enkos ho- " VjVfll ha veil llko n leaky lamp, nnd the .S shredded onions lost nil their cuur- IflBBfl age nnd wanted to lenva the room. ' 9BBI For dinner tho corn bcof looked HBB llko n roast on John I). llockcfollur, VAbJ and tho dollcato bloBsoms ot tho saner " BBB kraut were nil shriveled up, nnd 'flYfll tasted llko the Ohio river near Park- VisYflYJ ursburg. BBl In tho meantime, Hunch, tho mosqul- IBB toes nro having the tlmo ot tholr lives, Thoy thought wo wero giving n flH Mardl (Iras for tholr benefit, so thoy wbVJ sent out Invitations to all their friends, '''VBB with tho result thnt our llttlo family tH lost more blood than Is spilled In a ",H South Amorlcan revolution. BBl Peaches has abandoned tbo kero- 'JBBl sctio Idea, and Is now fumigating tho 'll houso with iiomethlng which fnlls on -Bafll tho Insulted uoso llko n hard slap on 'H tho faco, so I am writing this loiter out lu tho barn. flBB My theory about tho mosquito Is flVfll tjiat ha has humanity stung, going wBB und coming. 'il Yours dono In oil, JOHN. -iflBj (CupvrlKht. I'M. by a. W. rjllllnsham Co.) |