The Daily Utah Chronicle OPINION 8 The Daily Utah -- Chronicle Editorial ASUU Monkeys With Constitution the advantages if Imagine finally replaced its officers with baboons and gorillas. Sound impossible? Not if you get out and vote today. Here's the way it could work: The Associated Students of the University of Utah have proposed some modifications to their constitution. All students will be able to vote for or against them on the Internet or in the A. Ray Olpin University Union. One of the biggest changes is a reduction of the members on the Student Assembly. The assembly currently has 64 members; the revised constitution calls for a reduction of that number to a "trim' 48. In the past, all of the university's colleges were guaranteed at least one seat on the assembly. The revision revokes this baseline seat and allows only for representative seats. We at the Chronicle applaud any reduction in the bureaucracy and officers of ASUU, a group seemingly designed to let aspir Utah Student Suffering Stages of Parking Grief Editor: According to many grief counselors, there are several stages of mourning that a person experiences after losing a loved one. In mourning the loss of "E" parking places, I have gone through denial, anger, sadness and acceptance. First, there was denial. There is only one "E" parking lot on the north end of campus. I have parked there, with relatively few problems, for the past four years. Suddenly, one week last November, by 8 a.m. there were only five or six' parking spaces open in that lot. If I arrived at school after 8:30 a.m., the chances of parking in that lot were slim to none until the afternoon. Since I was initially in denial, for a couple of weeks I still tried to park in the same lot. I would drive around hoping something would become Tuesday, January 19, 1999 Shawn Parker Bailey, Opinion Editor: editorchronicle.utah.edu Chronicle ing politicians practice ignoring, alienating and robbing the peo- Tfte Rer of tvIE World: fir Utah ple. It doesn't make much sense to employ more than one hundred people to do a job any moron could do; namely, handing out money to student groups. While this reduction is a good start, it should be carried further. Much further. ASUU could very easily be run by a small collection of elite mammals; most likely trained chimpanzees, but there is no reason to feel that other species could not be represented. With an orangutan advisor, this new streamlined group would finally have ASUU sailing smoothly. The advantages don't stop there, however. Chimps could certainly be trained to attend meetings unlike ASUU officers, who, for a while, could not even get enough members together to approve their own constitution. They also wouldn't require new couches, a new lobby, an permit allowing them to park anywhere on campus, a tuition waiver, a billboard extolling their greatness and a salary to boot. They'd be happy with a ball and some feces to throw against the window of their new and expensive lounge. The chimps might not give you much of a return on your dollar, but at least they won't waste your student fees on themselves like a bunch of people playing Model U.N. available. Of course, with all the other "parking lot vultures" around, there was little chance of finding a spot. Strangely, that same week I noticed a Primary Children's Medical Center van coming by that parking lot on a regular basis. Then, I moved to the stage of anger. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for a parking space and of paying to park at the meters near Merrill Engineering Building where my lab is located. So, one day, I parked in the nearby "A" lot not because I was in a hurry or late for a class, but simply because I was fed up. So, I got a ticket. I was not surprised and not entirely upset about that. It would give me a chance to voice my opinion about the sale of student parking to Primary Children's Medical Center employees. I was told that "parking in the 'A' lot is not a good solution to this problem." During my angry stage, I did some investigating. I found out the reason I have to endure these changes to my daily routine is that Parking Services has sold about 370 of the 467 "E" parking spaces in the "E" lot near MEB to the PCMC. They run shuttles to this lot and to two others. If only a third of the PCMC people with "E" passes arc parking here, they are eating up a quarter of the parking in the "E" lot in question. Next came sadness. When I initially called parking services to find out what was going on, they chalked it up to the fact that once the weather starts getting cold, more people Happiness Is a Concealed Weapon is intimidation. "You usually only shoot if things get emotional or after you've had a few to important thing drink," Gritz concluded with Shawn Parker Bailey Chronicle Opinion Editor " Gritz is upset. He knows Rep. Iimmy Jones, Lake City is a bill that would abridge what he considers "the most sacred of "Packin-a-Piece- lt all human rights." Jones' bill would restrict concealed weapons in public schools and churches. Unfortunately for Gritz, 90 percent of Utahns would ban concealed weapons from public schools, according to a Dan Jones poll. Near that many would ban them from churches. Jimmy likes to carry a very big firearm. He doesn't hunt nor does he have any rational reason to think any one would want to harm him, let alone kill him. "I have to defend my freedom," he often says about his constant desire to tote a concealed weapon. When asked if police officers aren't sufficient protectors of his freedom, he laughs. "I especially don't trust the police.. .with all their authority and safety training. They are just another arm of the man," Gritz said, becoming slightly impassioned. "I long for the days of the old west," he said. "I'm sick of the liberal, mentality that is pervading Utah. We need to return to the days of true law and order, the day when the law was a fast hand and good eye. That was a day when a man could feel like a man. I'm not necessarily talking about shooting people; the most a faroff look and a faint smile. "Oh well, I s'pose those days are gone. Even so, they'll have to pry my gun from my cold dead hand. Charlton Heston will back me up on this!" I used to think a person who had to carry a gun to school should seriously consider a new major. And I used to think someone who had to carry a gun to church should seriously consider a new religion. That was before I met Gritz. He helped me see there was more to this issue than the safety of students or pre- serving the sacred nature of churches and temples. Those are the things on which Rep. Jones and 90 percent of all Utahns would have you focus. They don't want you to see all the advantages to being able to pack some heat at school or church. large concealed weapon could improve the higher education experience of any student who isn't afraid to point it at people. How many times have you arrived on campus late for class after a slow morning commute only to find absolutely no parking anywhere near your first class? And what can you do when another person, perhaps in a bigA ger or faster car than yours tries to steal your spot? This is a perfect moment to show the other driver the barrel of your Colt .45. He or she may also be packin', in which you case you had better duck. But chances are, you will see nothing but tail lights as you park your Geo and head to class. Guns can also play an important role in the classroom. Let's admit it, some professors assign way too much homework. And others just don't know when to stop talking. Without adding a gun to the equation, the power to grade gives them all the leverage. Just imagine how things could be different: Professor: "Please take out a number two pencil to fill out your exams." Armed Student: "I don't think that will be necessary, Dr. Whoever. Now slowly put down those Scantrons and nobody will get hurt." Guns could also come in handy during book buyback time. You might finally get the full value of your books back! And what about U athletic events? Nothing punctuates school spirit like twenty thousand guns being fired into the air. Guns can also give any religious person the edge when it comes to sincere worship. It seems like every religion has a few followers. These are all the same. They think it's their right to judge you and gossip about your life. What better way to tell them to get out of your business than with the butt of a handgun? self-righteo- semi-automat- ic There arc other church situations that can easily be cleared up with a little fire power. Tired of all those babies crying during services? Remind parents to take their children out of the chapel with your Sunday-bes- t Magnum .454. those cryThey'll be babies out of your And don't forget to use the gun liberally to add your own emphasis to a high-steppi- ear-sho- t. good sermon. Nothing says "amen" like the sound of a bullet through a plate glass window. There arc many advantages to being able to carry and use a concealed weapon. Let's hope our state representatives don't ruin this with some stupid law. Editor's note: Jim "Packin'-a-Piece- " Gritz is an overdrawn fictional character. The pending legislation however, is the real thing. gun-contr- ol Unsigned editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Daily Utah Chronicle Editorial Board. Editorial columns and letters to the editor are strictly the opinions of the author. "Letters to the Editor" is an open forum for the community of the University of Utah. Letters of an indecent or libelous nature, or those which demean or threaten any individual or group because of race, sexual orientation or religion will not be considered. Letters must be brief. Letters will be edited for style and space. Author's name and phone number must be submitted with every letter for verification purposes. letters to editorchron-icle.utah.edor drop them off at Union 240. u sec grief, page 6